If you’re considering forgiveness, ever, good for you. The fact that you would even think about showing grace, love, and kindness toward someone who’s done you wrong is a sign that you have great empathy and strength. It can be extremely difficult to forgive someone, especially if what they did to you had lasting repercussions, and that’s certainly the case when we’re abandoned by the person who’s supposed to love and support us above all else. So again, if you’re reading this because you’re wondering about forgiving a parent who left you, take a moment to be proud of yourself. Now, let’s talk about forgiveness.
Yes, you’ve probably heard this saying before, but here it is again, because it’s just, quite frankly, true: Forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person. It’s about lifting the burden of that pain from your heart so that you have the emotional time and energy for other more joyful things. It’s not about ignoring the wrong that’s been done or negating the pain you’ve felt, but it is about making room for something better in your future by tucking the past into the back of your mind where it can go dormant.
The first place to start when it comes to forgiveness is empathy, and as we’ve already established, you’re connected with your empathy just by virtue of considering this act of forgiveness. And what’s empathy? It’s placing yourself in the other person’s shoes for just a moment and doing your best to understand the thoughts and feelings that led to their decisions. If you can at least try to understand where your parent was coming from when they made the decision to leave you, then you might be able to see a path to forgiveness.
So, what does go through a parent’s head when they do something as drastic as abandoning their child? If you have access to information about your birth parents, or if someone in your family might know what your absent parent went through before leaving you, do some digging. Ask questions. If your remaining parent is willing, and you trust them to be honest with you, sit down and talk through what happened. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know the answer to “Why did my parent leave? How could they do that to me?”
If you don’t have any way to find out your absent parent’s specific story, there are quite a few reasons that people have abandoned or separated from their children. While this list is not exhaustive by any means, here are a few examples for you to think through.
These are vague reasons, so it’ll be best if you’re able to ask about your parent’s story specifically. Every journey is different, but bottom line, abandonment is almost always rooted in deep, all-consuming fear. Whether that fear is being fed by love or selfishness, the actual abandonment isn’t really about you, the child, because they couldn’t possibly know who you would become and thus did not reject the person you are today. If you can mentally separate your experience of the abandonment from their act of abandonment, it may help you to relate to their choices enough to see your way toward forgiveness.
Even if you’ve been able to understand why your parent left, that will never undo the impact it had on your childhood. It’s important to acknowledge and review what a child goes through when a parent leaves, because ultimately, that suffering is the real source of your pain and the real burden you need to lay down in order to forgive.
The above struggles can lead to depression, addiction, eating disorders, and many other lasting health problems, so let’s not pretend that if we’re thinking about forgiving someone whose behavior was the source of major trauma that we can also ignore the fruits of that trauma. If you are experiencing difficulties coping with your own child abandonment pain, reach out for support. There can be no forgiveness without some healing.
Notice that none of the reasons above mention letting someone off the hook for something they’ve done. Consequences are real, and you have to trust that your parent has and will experience the consequences for their mistake without you monitoring to make sure they do. The reason to forgive is not to free them of their responsibilities but to free yourself from the pain of the past.
Go easy on yourself because this is not easy stuff. It’s never as simple as flipping the switch from unforgiven to forgiven in your brain or heart. Seek out support, lean on trusted friends, and confide in a professional counselor as you process these big life milestones. If you’re not sure where to begin, you can always reach out to us at TheHopeLine, where we’ll be happy to chat about how you can learn more about grace and forgiveness.
Forgiving someone who has hurt you could be the greatest challenge of your life, but also the most freeing and healing. Here are 6 steps on how to forgive.
Kathryn Azzara says:
I have called my mother recently because I miss having a family. However, what she says to me caused a 2 day meltdown, there is so much pain and dysfunction that I can’t fix. I wish the empathy worked both ways but it doesn’t. It’s all such a waste and tragic. It was probably the last time I will talk to her before she passed away. She thinks because she had all the sacrements it covers up everything. My family hates me because I became a Christian. The ones who actually loved me have been gone for so long now……