I have written many blogs on the subject of cutting. We’ve discussed what it is, why people do it, the consequences, and some possible solutions to the problem. But, today, I want to talk specifically to the friends of cutters.
Help, my friend is cutting.
This can be a hard subject to talk about and it can be a very sensitive subject to the cutter, so it is important to keep the following things in mind when trying to help.
Someone recently wrote to me and asked: My friend is cutting. How can I get it into my best friend’s head that cutting is not good at all?
She’s right cutting is not good at all, and I appreciate her desire to help her friend. However, there isn’t a simple answer to this question. We can’t just throw out facts and figures and think a cutter is going to be instantly convinced to stop. As I wrote about in Why People Cut, cutters are usually covering up a deeper emotional pain.
Therefore, when talking to a friend about cutting here are some very important things to remember.
- Do NOT come across as judgmental. You may not be aware of the personal struggle they are facing which has led to self-harm.
- REALLY listen and seek to understand. Often someone who cuts feels like no one understands them. Do NOT be one more person that says why would you do this to yourself? It doesn’t make any sense. Rather, ask some probing questions with a genuine desire to understand. Such as: Why do you think you cut yourself? Do you cut to cover up other pain? How do you feel after you cut? How do you feel the next day? Help them to tell their story…if they’re ready. You don’t need to have all the answers. Just listen!
- Encourage your friend that you BELIEVE in them. Tell them you know they will have the strength to stop when they decide to and that you will support them however you can. Offer to be their accountability partner, if they want. You can be the person they call to distract themselves from cutting when the temptation arises.
- Refer them to other resources on the subject of self-harm and read more about it yourself. We have created a link with many helpful resources available all in one convenient place. You could simply text or email your friend this link and say…”When you are ready…” or share it through social media. You never know when sharing information could impact a life. TheHopeLine Resource Page
- Most importantly PRAY for them. God is bigger than cutting!! He can help them overcome the addiction. Pray that God gives them the strength and desire they need to stop cutting and find HOPE.
If you want to know more about breaking free from self-harm. Read this blog that our friend, Amanda Turner, wrote about her personal story.
Thanks for caring. You CAN make a difference in someone’s life.
Spyder says:
Here is the thing, I don’t cut I strangle myself, cut of the air for a short time. Why do we do this, we do this because the physical pain is far better then the emotional pain. Those that haven’t experienced will never know how hard it is to not do it, the pull is to great to just walk away. I know this sound ridiculous but think about
it, ask someone that cuts, I am sure they will tell you the same thing
Natalie says:
Hello, whoever is reading this! I have been needing to talk to someone with the power to help for a while. Okay. My friend and I both starting self-harming at roughly the same time, though we didn’t know it. I was so sad when I found out that she cut too. It wasn’t surprising, because of her depression, but I didn’t think she would cut. Anyway, that was the beginning of last year. A few months ago, I started to really improve. I am on medications, and in a program for models, and I have even stopped self-harming. I haven’t relapsed in a while, and I am very proud. But my friend…not so much. I’ve talked to her, written her letters, supported her, everything. I really know what she’s going through. But we won’t be in the same school next year, and she is really sad about it. She feels awful about her body, personality, and basically everything about herself. She’s in and out of mental health facilities, and I thought maybe that would help, but I saw her legs last weekend and it’s much, much worse. She also has developed a binge-purge habit, and bulimia is a horrible, horrible issue to fix. I just don’t know how to help her. There’s only so much I can do. I’m sixteen, and I’ve been through my own hell. But I’m still here. I want her to be able to say the same, but I’m worried that I might lose her. Please help.
TheHopeLine says:
Natalia- I am so proud of you for working so hard at healing and for how much you care about your friend. She is blessed to have you in her life. Please encourage your friend to call/chat with a HopeCoach. We can offer real ecnouragement, hope, and resources for your friend. https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
Christeen Sameh says:
I just knew today that my best friend cut herself for the first time 2 weeks ago. She says that she won’t do it again but I’m scared she will. She even wrote in her diary that she wants to die. She is saying that instead of seeing her own blood she sees videos of other people’s blood which make her feel relaxed. I don’t want her to see those videos or cut herself or think about killing herself. How can I help her?
TheHopeLine® says:
You sound like a really caring friend. You came to the right place for help. You can chat with one of our HopeCoaches about how to help her. Just click our “chat now” button. It is free and totally confidential. We also have a free eBook about self-harm and cutting – http://info.thehopeline.com/selfharm Keep on being a compassionate and caring friend and let a trusted adult know what is going on.
Becka says:
I used to self harm a lot. It’s been three years of this and I’ve been able to start recovering. I did relapse earlier this month but before that I had been clean for 4 months. Anyway I’m trying not to cut. However, the other day I noticed a really bad cut on my best friends ankle, I asked her what happened but she brushed it off by saying she didn’t remember. Of course having self harmed for three years I already knew the truth but I could tell she wasn’t ready to talk about it. I finally got the chance to bring it up to her again today ABD after asking her a few questions I asked if she did it to herself. She said “no”, then in a shy voice, “yes”. I talked to her a bout it a bit but noticed she kept avoiding my biggest question which was why she did it. I don’t want to force her to tell me but I would like to know so I can help her. She told me she wouldn’t do it again, but knowing how cutting works I feel like she will. I don’t know how else to help her I already said a lot to her about it but idk if it helped or not.
Marley Johnson says:
I just found out my best friend cut herself…and last night I almost did and almost did again today. She said she wouldn’t do it again and she said instead she will use markers as an alternative…..but I’m still scared and shocked. If I told my parents they would yell at me and so would hers.
Anonymus says:
Today I just found out that my best friend for 5 years running has depression, and that her dad makes her want to cut herself. She smiles when I bring it up and it is really frustrating because this is a serious subject. I found out through a note that I was not supposed to even see, and she told our other friend not me even though they only met last year. I am worried and she won’t talk to me,I feel like a terrible friend for not realizing anything was wrong. Honestly I never saw this coming and I feel bad for not knowing.
Anyone got advice?
Stacia Gagnon says:
My friend cuts herself, and I tried talking to her, she had drawn a picture on her hand (I already knew she cut but it was still a shock) when i pulled up her sleeve to look at the drawing i saw cuts all over her hand near her thumb. I cried that night, because it really hurts me that she hurts herself. So when I saw that i said “Why do you hurt yourself,” and she said “that’s not an answer I want to give,” so I said “Just know that I think you’re amazing and that I love you,”(we were dating at the time) and i really do, we aren’t dating anymore, but we are still close friends. So I want to talk to her, I know she doesn’t do it for attention, but she seems to joke about it a lot to hide the pain. And I want to help her but I can’t really explain the way that it is. I’m almost scared to bring it up again, because it was really awkward when I asked her, and she clearly doesn’t want to talk to me about her. But she doesn’t understand how much she means to me and how much I love her and care about her (as a friend)
Kae says:
Hai, my name is kae. I have a boyfriend. He cuts himself alot, many times a day. He has depression and P.T.S.D. he goes to therapy and takes medication, but it seems like its not working. He’s had a pretty bad passed and i dont know what to do. I try to help him by supporting him and listening to his problems. Ive tried to get him to see a different therapist i hope maybe someone else could help him. It hurts my heart to see him this way. He’s been like this ever since i met him, but i was hoping that i could help him through. I love him so much and i would do anything for him but i just cant figure out what to do. I need help.
TheHopeLine® says:
Kae, We have a partner that will help your boyfriend with self-harm at http://www.doorofhope4teens.org. You could even contact them too for help on what to do. Check out their website or email them at doorofhope4teens@gmail.com (answered in 24/48 hrs) You can also text them at 1-803-570-2061 (Alternative No. 914-393-1904) Texting is available Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday 8:30 – 10:30 EST
Monse Arellano says:
My friend has cuts all over his arms, he has very bad depression and the only reason he’s cutting himself is because he wants me to like him otherwise he wont stop cutting himself but i want him to see that there are people who love him but he won’t listen im very scared i dont want to lose him but he wont stop cutting until i say i love him please help
TheHopeLine® says:
Monse,
Thank you for reaching out about your friend. We have a partner that may help him self-harm.
• You can text them at at 1-803-570-2061 (Alternative No. 914-393-1904) Texting is available Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday 8:30 – 10:30 EST.
• Their website is http://www.doorofhope4teens.org.
• You can email them to doorofhope4teens@gmail.com (answered in 24/48 hrs)
If you ever feel like your friend is suicidal please call:
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255
• Or Chat with them at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
• Or Crisis Text Line 27/7 by texting “Start” to 741-741
• Here is a list of additional suicide prevention resources https://www.thehopeline.com/suicide-prevention-resources.
Take a chance and reach out to Door of Hope for help. You will be glad you did. They have helped many teens and young adults we have sent them overcome self-harm.
natalie wittmack says:
i have just figured out that three possibly for of my friend are cutting. they have told me not to tell anyone but i am very worried about their health and wellbeing. these friends don’t know our school family social worker and are not close to any teachers or coaches. i don’t feel comfortable tell my parents, and i don’t feel it is my place to talk to their parents. I feel that going to our family resource worker would be the best way to go. what do you think???
thehopeline says:
Natalie, Thank you for your comment and your heart to help your friends. They are fortunate to have you as a friend who sincerely cares about them. We think gong to your family resource worker is a good place to start. If you want to talk to someone first about this, we suggest you reach out and talk to our partner that helps with cutting too. They will be able to guide you through the best way to get your friend’s help. You could even give your friends this resource too. You can email, phone or text with them for help. Here is a link to our partner page with “Door of Hope” for info:https://www.thehopeline.com/partners/door-of-hope-4-teens/ Y
Lily says:
I need help. Two of my friends and I were supposed to be doing a project. One of them wasn’t helping and I got upset. I apologized and we cleared things up. Then we all went to our next class and her other friend told me that she saw cuts on her arm as well as her digging her nails into her arm. Now I’m really scared because she threatened to cut herself more with a knife or scissors or anything and I don’t wanna lose her! Please help…
thehopeline says:
Lily, WE are sorry your friend is cutting. Thank you for caring enough about her to reach out for help. We have a partner that can help you help your friend that is self-harming or if your friend is open to it, give her this information for help.
You can text them at at 1-803-570-2061 (Alternative No. 914-393-1904) Texting is available Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday 8:30 – 10:30 EST.
Their website is http://www.doorofhope4teens.org.
You can email them to doorofhope4teens@gmail.com (answered in 24/48 hrs)
They have helped many we have sent them overcome self harm.
Alana says:
I have this friend and she recently told me she has started cutting herself to relieve stress. She comes from a family with a bad father and a kind of abusive mother her step dad and get mom are always accusing her of things but sometimes they have the right to. She has done things that lead people to wonder what else does she do. She doesn’t want to talk to her parents because they will make her feel bad about what she is feeling. She told me to not tell anyone but I am worried. She says she isn’t doing it to die only to relieve stress. She told me that she feels like the world is crashing down and she is the only one who can save it. I don’t know what to do!!
thehopeline says:
Alana, Thank you for reaching out for help for your friend. We are here to listen and help. We have a partner that will help her with the need to self-harm. You can contact them as well to ask how to help her too.
You can text them at at 1-803-570-2061 (Alternative No. 914-393-1904) Texting is available Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday 8:30 – 10:30 EST.
Their website is http://www.doorofhope4teens.org.
You can email them to doorofhope4teens@gmail.com (answered in 24/48 hrs)
Kanteera says:
My friend is cutting in class. She was using a box cutter to make cuts on her arms. She cried the whole lesson. I told my friends about it and they told me that she does it all the time. I’m worried about my friend.
Mia says:
I have a friend that cuts and I was wondering if you think it would be okay to encourage her to stop cutting by rewarding her with candy or something everyday that she is clean of cutting.
thehopeline says:
Mia, Your friend is lucky to have you. That is a really good idea. How about contacting our partner that specializes in cutting and self-harm to get their suggestions on how to help your friend stop cutting. You can text them at 1-803-570-2061 (Alternative No. 914-393-1904) Texting is available Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday 8:30 – 10:30 EST. Their website is http://www.doorofhope4teens.org. You can email them to doorofhope4teens@gmail.com (answered in 24/48 hrs) We are here if you need to talk too!
Mia says:
Thank you so much I appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and actually replying back.
thehopeline says:
You’re welcome, Mia!
Anonymous says:
Hi hopeline, I am a previous cutter, (but I have stopped), so I know somewhat what someone might be feeling when harming themselves. My problem is that I was talking to my friend the other day and I saw cuts on her wrists. I only saw three, but they looked pretty uniform. I’m confused as to whether these are cuts, or whether she’s just getting cracks in her skin because it is winter time. I’m worried, but I don’t want to awkwardly bring it up if she just has dry skin. I only saw a little of her skin because she had a coat on, and I don’t see her that often. How do I help without accusing her of cutting or seeming really extreme or worried for no reason?
thehopeline says:
Great question and we understand your concern. Perhaps you could tell a bit of your story in a conversation with her about how you used to cut. Sharing your story and being transparent with her may help her to open up to you. Maybe start with talking about an anniversary. “It’s been ____ months/years since I used to cut and I am proud of myself and the recovery I have accomplished.” If you need additional help please feel free to contact our partner that specialized in self-harm.You can text them at 1-803-570-2061 (Alternative No. 914-393-1904) Texting is available Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday 8:30 – 10:30 EST.
Their website is http://www.doorofhope4teens.org. You can email them to doorofhope4teens@gmail.com (answered in 24/48 hrs)
Aimee says:
I have a friend who has been cutting for a few months now she has talked to me about it but she hasn’t stopped. I’ve tried to encourage her to stop but she doesn’t think I understand that well. She has now also stopped eating and she’s lost a lot of weight. I don’t know what to do as I feel like it I tell someone she’ll feel betrayed. I’m worried and I care about her. What should I do?
Sicily says:
me and my friend made a deal that if i stop cutting he will too but we’ve been on break and i forgot about the deal a couple days ago and cut im afraid my friend is gonna ask if i cut over break and start doing it again if i tell him the truth what do i say???
thehopeline says:
Sicily,
First of all, it is good you have a friend that you can trust and that you both want to help each other. It’s important that you come clean and tell your friend the truth so that you don’t break this trust and so you both can start recovery. Please know you both are valuable and worthy and we are proud of you for trying to overcome your addiction to cutting. We have a partner organization, Door of Hope, that specializes in Self-Harm and has recovery coaches available. We hope that this resource can help you and your friend. Please visit http://www.thehopeline.com/partners/door-of-hope-4-teens/ for more information about them and their number to text to talk to a recovery coach.
Sicily says:
thank you so much
Hannah says:
I was sitting in class next to my best friend today and we were joking around and then we started doing our work and she rolled up her sleeve a bit to itch her arm and i saw multiple red lines on her arm that looked like cuts but im not completely sure because i took off my glasses so i couldnt see properly, she put her hand under the desk and quickly rolled up her sleeve when she saw me looking and started to change the subject but she wouldnt look at me. She often seems upset and depressed and i heard from other people in my class that she was crying in the bathroom the other day and she didnt come back to class for the rest of the lesson. Shes really close with her grandad and he recently fell fatally ill. Shes been upset about it for a while now but im concerned because if she has cut herself im not sure what i can do, i dont want her to do anything bad and i dont know what id do if something bad happened to her. She recently went to the hospital and this morning at lunch i when she was getting her textbook from her bag to show me what we have to study there were some weird pills in her bag, i know its none of my business but im still concerned because she hasnt told me anything about whats happening but i know somethigs going on. I need to know how i could help her, please.
thehopeline says:
Hannah, Your friend is very fortunate to have a friend like you that cares. Trust your instincts with your friend. If you’re concerned about her and feel like she is cutting it’s important that you talk to her about it. It’s probably hard for her to open up about it and she is emotionally distraught because of her granddad, however, she needs to know that you are there to listen and that you care about her. We have a partner resource that specialize in help with self-harm. Please feel free to text them to ask how you can help your friend too. You could also give your friend this information if you are able to get her to open up about the cutting. To find out more about our partner, Door of Hope, go to this page: https://www.thehopeline.com/partners/door-of-hope-4-teens/
Elizabeth McGee says:
My best friend named Sammy has been cutting herself. I was at her house one time when she said she had to go to the bathroom. I just waited in her room until I heard a soft cry from the kitchen. I came into the kitchen and hid, and I saw her with a big knife and cutting her wrist. She noticed me and said she just cut her self by accident. I knew she was lying, and she recently told me why she has been cutting herself. Her ex-boyfriend, Maxx, has moved on and wants nothing to do with her but Sammy still loves him and she says she’s not good enough to live if he doesn’t love her. I notice lots of bandaids on her arms and she tries to hide them now. She NEVER wears long sleeved shirts until she started cutting. I am so mad and sad and confused and I wonder why she doesn’t think of her friends when she does this. She knows that I hate that she’s cutting herself but, she continues to do it. No one knows but me. WHAT DO I DO??!??
thehopeline says:
Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for reaching out for help. You are a good friend to Sammy and we want to give you a resource to contact to find out the next step to help her. We have a partner organization, Door of Hope, that specializes in Self-Harm and has recovery coaches available. Please visit http://www.thehopeline.com/partners/door-of-hope-4-teens/ for more information about them and their number to text to talk to a recovery coach. A recovery coach will help you with the next steps to help your friend.
Litzy says:
I have a friend named gia shes been cutting she has family problems and recent deaths in her family we was cutting in school and me and some friends noticed and tried to stop her I ended up having a deep conversation about it and I made her cry bcuz I can relate with the family issues and the school counselor’s have talked to her but they re no use I really want the best for her bcuz she was crying and telling me everything she only tells this stuff to the people that are not gonna care but I told we I care alot about her when she was crying she kept telling me I’ve been doing this since I was 4 when is this pain going to end I feel so bad bcuz shes my friend and shes tried to commit suicide and honestly idk what to do I told her I’ll always be there for her but I feel like it’s not enough her parents dont really care I guess . Shes been through some really rough times and so have I so I can relate but I just want her to get close to God and ig kre her parents bcuz there is always sunlight after a storm always she wants it to end but she says its addicting idk what to do besides give her shoulder and my everything but if I tell someone close like the school that her parents are threatening her that 8f she tells someone about their problems that they are sending her to a mental hospital but they are wrong and idk what else to do
Emily says:
My friend has been cutting himself with a knife and last year he tried to commit suicide. I want to help but I don’t know what to do. Somebody wants to help me. So pls help!!!
thehopeline says:
Emily, Thank you for reaching out to help your friend. We have a partner organization that specializes in self/-harm. They have recovery coaches that will guide you on what to do to help your friend. Go to https://www.thehopeline.com/partners/door-of-hope-4-teens/ to find out how to reach them by text or email. We also have hopecoaches available that can help you with this. Go to https://www.TheHopeLine.com/gethelp to chat online with one.
Daniel says:
My friend who i trusted so much and told her about my cutting, did not support me, told me to stop a couple of times and didint mention anything at all. Now, sje says ” I will tell your parents the next time I see them, I hope you know this.” I feel extremely betrayed and upset at her considering she never showed me any kind of support to help while others at least tried. What should I do.
Anshika says:
My friend has been cutting himself with a knife the worst thing is that we’re online friends . I want to help but I don’t know what to do. Pls help i rlly wanna help him
Rosy says:
Hello! So my online best friend has been cutting herself everyday. She just told me I really don’t know what to do. I want to help her but I don’t know how cuz we’re online friends. I told her brother who lives really close to her and he said he knew and is still trying help her. But he hasn’t told anybody else. Please help me.
thehopeline says:
Rosy, Thank you for reaching out to help your friend. We’re glad you told someone that is close to her. We have a partner organization that specializes in self-harm. They have recovery coaches that will guide you on what to do to help your friend. Go to https://www.thehopeline.com/partners/door-of-hope-4-teens/ to find out how to reach them by text or email. We also have hope coaches available that can help you with this. Go to https://www.TheHopeLine.com/gethelp to chat online with one.