When someone is pressuring you to move faster or further in a relationship than you want to, you do not have to give in to that pressure. Hopefully, having a clear, honest conversation with your partner will establish boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you can say something like “I’m not ready to have sex yet. I’m only comfortable hugging, kissing goodnight, and holding hands.” If you are waiting until marriage to have sex, let your partner know. A loving response is kind, respectful of your boundaries, and willing to do only what you feel comfortable with when it comes to physical intimacy.
The reason it’s so important to be clear about physical boundaries is that not doing so can lead to sexual harassment or assault. Sexual assault happens when someone touches you sexually, or has sex with you, after you have said no. If you did not give consent when your partner had sex with you, or you were unable to consent to intimate touching when it happened, there is support available to understand sexual assault and how to heal from it. If you do feel safe talking about boundaries with your partner, but are unsure how to do it, a counselor or mentor can help you find the right words.
In a recent survey, 61% of all teenage girls say they are being pressured to have sex with their boyfriends. Guys are also pressured to have sex with their girlfriends.
Listen to this call I had with Justin. Justin’s friend asked him for advice. His friend wants to stop having sex with his girlfriend, because it goes against his religious beliefs. But his girlfriend disagrees with him.
Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another.
Many of those who are pressured into having sex give in to it mostly because of the overwhelming fear of losing the person they care about, if they don’t agree to have sex. I find that very often people who end up having a sexual relationship are simply doing whatever they think needs to be done to hold on to their bf/gf. In the end, some bargain away their bodies in their attempt to keep the relationship going. But in the process, they lose their self-respect and gain the very real possibility of unwanted pregnancy, diseases, rape, bad reputation, and of course, a broken heart.
Becca has learned this the hard way, “I was recently violated by a guy who I thought was a really great guy, but then he started pressuring me and now I hate him for it. We aren’t even talking anymore. If you’re a guy and you read this, can you please take this seriously and please respect the girl that you like and please don’t violate her! It can really make a big difference in anyone’s life.”
If your boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex, it’s time to talk to him about consent. What is consent? Consent is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and respectful relationship. When you consent to something, you’re essentially agreeing to it, but it goes beyond a simple, one-time “yes.” Consent should be an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement to participate in any form of intimacy.
If you don’t want to have sex, but you say “yes” because your boyfriend has repeatedly pressured you, that’s not true consent because it wasn’t voluntary or enthusiastic. If you thought you wanted to have sex, but you changed your mind, your consent is no longer ongoing—that “yes” became a “no,” and your partner should respect that at all times.
It may be a terrifying concept to sit your partner down and discuss boundaries, but if you’re feeling pressured, it’s imperative that you communicate. Tell them how you’re feeling. Tell them what is and isn’t acceptable for you right now. For example, “We can kiss and hold hands, but I’m not ready for more than that,” or “We can make out, but I want your hands to stay on top of my clothes, never under them.”
Without a very clearly communicated boundary, it may be that the pressure you’re feeling from your partner is a misunderstanding about where your line is—they may be happy to respect what you ask for once they have more information! If your partner argues with you or pushes back on the boundaries you set, that’s a major red flag you can’t ignore. They don’t respect your right to have ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary consent when it comes to your own body. Are you sure you want to be in an intimate relationship with that person?
And remember, consent goes both ways. If you have the unequivocal right to issue and withdraw consent at any time, so does your partner. Even if you and your partner have had sex before, you have no right to assume that means they want to again, nor do you have a right to express frustration or push back in any way when they tell you “no.” For a healthy relationship to work, there has to be trust. Trust can’t exist when one or both partners feel like they’ll be manipulated into changing their minds or punished when they communicate a clear boundary.
Talk to your partner about consent today, and ask someone for help if you feel your boundaries are being violated.
If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag. Below are four thoughtful responses to the pressure – both to realize for yourself and to explain to your boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. Know where you stand in your convictions.
Most people with strong values have a clear understanding of what they believe and are far less susceptible to giving in to things they don’t want to do.
Do you want to be a person who waits until they are married to have sex? It’s important to define for yourself why this is important to you.
Are you aware of the power sex has to arouse deep emotions? Are you willing and able to bear the responsibility of a child?
Without strong convictions, the person you date could push their value system (or lack of!) onto you. Before you start talking to a guy or girl, make sure you know what you believe and why. This will be extremely helpful when you’re being pressured.
Juli wrote: “It is easy to give in and say ‘yes’ but we have to prepare ahead of time so we can say ‘no.’ If you just wait until the moment, you easily cave in. My boyfriend pressured me so much and I gave in. I wish I hadn’t, and I won’t again.”
2. Talk about your decision to save sex for marriage.
Explain your desire to wait to have sex with your bf/gf. Tell them that it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings or your level of commitment. You like your boyfriend or girlfriend so much that you don’t want to ruin a great relationship by having sex. This conversation takes a lot of courage because your pressuring partner may refuse to understand what you are saying. They may take it personally or get mad and walk away. Nonetheless, the person who can talk things out is far happier than those who keep things deeply hidden.
Madison said, “My boyfriend keeps trying to get me to do stuff with him, such as kiss him or have sex. I made a promise to God, my mom, and my family that I wouldn’t do anything with a guy until I got married. My boyfriend always thinks that the reason I don’t want to do things with him is because I don’t like him, which is so far from the truth.”
If your boyfriend is really “a keeper,” he will understand and respect your decision.
3. While waiting, learn what real love is.
The term “love” is one of the most misunderstood and abused words in the dictionary. Sometimes, when a guy says to a girl, “I love you,” he is saying, “I don’t love you; I love me and what sexual favors you do for me.” Love never demands someone to do something that would violate another. Love does not trash someone else’s deeply held values.
God is the creator of love and here is how he describes it:
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” and doesn’t fly off the handle. (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)
In other words, love is patient and is willing to wait for the right time and the right person. Love always looks after the other person first. Love is never selfish. When a guy loves a girl, he will do everything he can to protect her.
God also created sex as an expression of love between a man and a woman. Sex is a beautiful gift from God when used in the right way.
Mandy wrote: “[When I have sex,] I feel loved and wanted, that’s why I give in. Hoping that something will come out of it and it never does. If I can feel wanted, even if it’s in a sexual way, I like it, but yet on the other hand, I don’t.” For the relatively few brief moments she is having sex, Mandy somehow feels loved. But after it’s over and she is alone again, those empty words leave her unfulfilled and searching for more. Mandy is confused about what love is.
Someone once said, “Love can always wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get.”
A lot of guys will say they love their girlfriend and think that if she loved him, she would have sex with him. Either he doesn’t know what love is, or he’s lying about loving her. It’s easy to believe a lie when you want to. It is not easy to face the consequences of believing that lie.
4. Know when to move on.
If the pressure for sex does not let up, get rid of him or her. If you are being pressured to have sex, realize this is a huge red flag that something isn’t right in your relationship. It is far better for you to lose your relationship than to do something you will later regret.
Alli wrote, “Three days into the “relationship” he started hinting that he wanted to make out with me. Then 6 days into the “relationship” we made out and then he started talking about sex. He tried to pressure me into it. He kept trying to do stuff, and I told him to stop. I didn’t give in, but I ended up breaking up with him the next day.” Allie is smart. She knows that if your boyfriend is really “a keeper,” he will understand and respect your decision. Remember, most pressured relationships are not love, but rather, they are just uncovered needs, fantasy, confusion, and selfishness.
Heather wrote, “[My boyfriend] knew I was insecure and vulnerable. I think that’s why he pressured me so much. He made it sound as if it was my obligation.”
Some people won’t go into a relationship unless they know they will be able to have sex. Be prepared to be rejected. Just remember you won’t die, and in the end, the respect you will have for yourself, and the pain avoided, will be well worth it.
You don’t ever have to do anything with your body you don’t want to do. Sex is not an indicator of love, or even of your level of commitment in a relationship. Sex is not an obligation. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. May God give you a boyfriend or girlfriend who deeply respects you.
Is your relationship healthy? Many do not realize they are in an unhealthy relationship. Ask yourself these questions to find out.
val says:
Hi this post was really helpful. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he kept pressuring me to have sex. Now while him and I was in a relationship we were intimate but I started feeling convicted. We started to go to church together regularly and I was praying and reading my Word more and I could not keep getting close to Jesus and sinning. He thought I didn’t love him or I wasn’t into him. And it wasn’t the case. I just choose to serve one master and that is God. So thank you for posting this.
Shenaye says:
Val I in the same boat I went to chuch with this guy and he was a good guy well I thought he was but when I went on the one of the wedsday I thought he was going out to have lunch but no he whated to have sex and i hate sex i like to hangout at the movie or go out to lunch but no I get sex 🙁
Yolanda says:
I love the text,now what i need to do is talk to my boyfriend and tell him that i can’t obey him and disobey GOD,cause GOD punishes and my boyfriend is just a boy, he is not GOD because no one in this world is GOD except the LORD himself,thank you,it really helped, i hope you help others too and keep on doing what you are doing:D
Rhys says:
I boy and my girlfriend shy Nefer Lisan to me way shy lack it I hat I fell so up set shy toucan ofer my leaf shy 18 and I am 18 son
Shy Nefer hat sex be for bat I hat it shy keep asking for sex wot sot I do I love her bat I don’t won’t sex in my leaf yet
Aari Brea says:
Wow…i can say that i truely can relate to everything that i just read. And im a 16 year old girl in high school wanting to go to college. But i almost threw all of that away dealing with my 19 year old ex boyfriend who was a crook. All he talked about was having sex and having kids. And i mean sure it all felt good to hear those things but i dont want kids. And I never told him that cause i was afraid.
Aari Brea says:
And plus having sex with him meant disobeying my parents. But he just always wanted it to be about him. He even said that I should come live with him. My parents would hate me for that. And I didnt want to lose him but I also love my family first. So anyways I just broke up with him a couple days ago and its killing me inside. He promised he would never leave me no matter what
Aari Brea says:
But he threatend to leave me if i didnt have sex with him. So i chose to leave because I tried to convince myself that i would not disrespect my body, my family, or my beliefs…but im really hurt. I do miss him and I do love him…and sometimes I still have regrets about leaving him while the other part of me says that I did the right thing.
Garima Yadav says:
Same happened with me,my boyfriend broke up Bcz I refused for sex.But I miss him a lot…:-(
Resoluteman says:
never regret, you have done what you had to do. Bear in mind that if anyone leaves you because you don’t want to have sex with him before marriage which is pretty understandable and the best sign of integrity and self-respecting , he has never truly loved you, he loved your body and wanted to take advantage of that as a tool to satisfy his daily pleasures. Don’t worry you’ve made the right choice for your future.
mooka says:
my boyfriend is 17 and im 16 and he dosent make me hae sex with him but hes not realy wanting to have sex i want to o why lol
Emily says:
My boyfriend of two weeks was constantly putting his hands on my breasts and other places. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready (I am a virgin) and he would get very mad. In the end I let him do some stuff (not sex) and I felt dirty. I stopped going out with him.
Shirley says:
My boyfriend and I broke up. He’s frustrated because I won’t get intimate with him. So basically I said if I don’t hear a response by a certain time because he stated I treat him like a dog when for the past couple of dates I been paying everything..
..he said he pay me back by taking me out. He at one time offered to take me home after oral surgery. … I didn’t trust it because I know he wanted to touch me. I know that it was me thinking I’m supposed to trust ppl so that’s that . I have a feeling he was seeing someone else or something I’m done with him
Stella says:
It was the second time that we met when he started making out with me, i tried so hard to stop his hands from touching me but i failed. I told him I was on my periods but that didn’t stop him from touching me, god i felt so helpless. After that day i refused to meet him and well i still can’t bring myself to say that i wanna end whatever is that, that we have..I’m a coward!
Bella says:
I have severe depression and anxiety. My ex boyfriend pressured me into having sex when I was suicidal (because my dog was gone) four months ago, he kept pressuring me and said it’d help my depression fast. I’m only 16, he did it when I was 15. I’m giving them up for adoption for their best interest and mine. He knew I had depression and had been molested as a child, so my family says he took advantage of me, I believe it.
Rhys says:
Help me my girlfriend love sex but I don’t
She say sex is meant to happen
But I love her
Josh says:
Do the same thing applies when you have been in the relationship for quite a while? I think my girlfriend thinks I’m pressuring her about getting intimate after 6 months of dating, and I feel hurt that she thinks its like that. Everytime I say anything about it she just totally ignores it, says “ew”, or she always says, “she’s just not ready” and she “doesn’t know when she will be ready, it could be weeks or years she said. Am I in the wrong here? Please help, I do so much in this relationship and I just want to take that next step.
Dylan says:
I’m having the same issue. Would someone mind answering that please?
Janet says:
Josh me and my boyfriend are going through the same thing we’ve been dating a year. It’s very stressful when the person you love won’t respect your feelings. It’s like they just want to do it no matter how you feel. It’s hurtful. I am very close to breaking up with him because he has tantrums about it and says that it’s not pressure.
Amber says:
I’m only 13 and so is my bf but all my bf talks about is sex. Then one day we were all alone so he took me somewhere where no one would find us and started making out with me. Then he touched me all over the place. Then he took me to his house and started pulling off my clothes and started taking off his clothes and then he started having sex with me. Can you please tell me what to do to make him stop having sex with me. he tries to have sex with me every single day after school and we are only in middle school
Brittney says:
I wish I read this before I gave in…
Dodge says:
I was only 16, she was 18. All she talked about was how having sex was healthy and that because we were girlfriend and boyfriend it was something we were supposed to do. I didn’t want to have sex when she asked so I said “no I don’t feel that we are ready” she replied by asking if it was because I didn’t really love her, I told her that I did and she said that I had broken her trust and that I could only prove it through sex. I hated it. I left as soon as I could, I felt wrong, I questioned myself and couldn’t sleep or talk to her for days. I finally found the courage to end the relationship. All I wish for is closure, that day haunts me and I just want someone to confirm my thoughts that even though I said no and did it anyway that it wasn’t me at fault. I blame myself for not stopping the whole situation from happening and standing my ground. I feel like I can’t tell anyone not even those closest to me…
suzie says:
Hi Dodge, I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience. It sounds as though you clearly told this woman that you did not want to have sex. She put pressure on you, and used emotional blackmail/coersion by the sounds of what you say. No-one, guy or girl should be pressured to have sex. Consent is only consent when it is freely given. You have done nothing wrong and the blame is not yours to carry.I’m glad you found the courage to end this relationship. I hope you are able to get support with this, maybe by confiding in someone you trust or with a counsellor. It sounds important that you find someone to help you process all of this. I wish you well.
Kelly says:
It’s very refreshing to hear a young person having such strong convictions. It’s very important to take your time when it comes to having sex because of the possible consequences. And so many of us young and old don’t take our time and rush into something we end up regretting 🙁 You should be so proud of yourself! And those who are closest to you, who truly care for you will be too, don’t ever be ashamed.
Dante Strife says:
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and she has been pressuring into sex. When I say no, she’ll she will guilt me into it by talking about how good her exes were at sex or sending me nudes telling m that I’m missing out on “something amazing.” Now, I don’t mind making out with her and a kiss on the lipscheek and holding hands but that’s it. Every time we make out, she climbs on top of me and try to stick her tongue down my throat (It doesn’t feel good.)She’ll give me unwanted hickeys in which I’ve had to lie to my grandmother about. She’s even tried to get me high on drugs( which didn’t work cause I know when something is laced. I watch a lot of crimeforensics shows.) Sometimes I want to relax listen to music and sketch but I can’t do that without her wanting to watch Netflix and “chill” which is just her trying to make me have sex with her. It’s getting to a point where I just want o give in.
TheHopeLine says:
I am really proud of you for staying strong. It sounds like your girlfriend has mixed up ideas about what love really is. You are showing her respect by not giving in. If you want to talk with someone our HopeCoaches are available online 24/7 https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
Kae says:
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in God and I do
I wanna wait to have sex and I haven’t really made that clear to him he keeps telling me how much he wants to “bang me” and keeps talking about where we would have sex and I just sit there dumbly and not saying anything
We have made out and stuff but I always feel like he wants me to do more like he will try to put his hand in my pants and I will say no
He has a bad temper too towards others he got in a fight over a few small comments made by his friend
I asked him if he would ever hurt me and he said of course not
But he can be really sweet and funny and I just need some advice
TheHopeLine says:
It sounds like you are noticing some important things about your boyfriend – he doesn’t share the same beliefs, he has a temper, he is pressuring you to have sex and uses the phrase “bang” to refer to sex. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who shares the same beliefs, doesn’t pressure you, doesn’t anger easily, and who views sex as something beautiful and precious rather than calling it “banging”? You are worth more than that! Please contact a HopeCoach to talk more about this. We are here for you 24/7 – all chats are free and private. https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
We also have a free eBook about self-worth. Sometimes when we choose bad relationships it is because we don’t believe we are worthy of something more. The book has real stories and practical advice – http://info.thehopeline.com/selfworth-ebook
Remember, you are worth it! 🙂
TheHopeLine® says:
Today we published a new eBook about dating. The eBook is FREE and it has true stories, videos, and practical advice. http://info.thehopeline.com/relationships-dating
Yovani Alvarez says:
Can I make a comment ? Know your man’s needs we have more testosterone than females yes we are different obviously some guys yes they go to far I agree on that but I’m stuck in a relationship where sex only happens once every so often and you know how that feels it sucks yup really sucks makes me sad empty not wanted makes me think the relationship is not fair because don’t you think man do sooooo much things that girls want ? That they might not want to ? Can man control themselves yes but think about the things that you do for man that he wants (rush) I think sex should be talked in the start and during the relationship
Kelly says:
You two should definitely talk. She may feel uncomfortable doing it and just isn’t saying anything. And if that’s the case then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for either one of you.
tiger lilly says:
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half and he has a pretty high sex drive and sometimes I do but sometimes I don’t. And I’ve gained some weight so Im not as active as I used to be, so after we get done he wants to do it again and I don’t. So then he gets upset and is like ” but baby please ” “I’ll be gentle” and most of the time I give in cause I don’t want to hear him complain anymore. Cause then I will have a talk with him and tell him he needs to respect what I want to do and then he is all like fine, then I guess we won’t have sex ever again or some stupid shiz . I really love him and want to marry him… We have talked about it . How do I get him to realize that I don’t want to have sex everyday 2 times a day, it’s tiring and I’d rather just hang out or cuddle
Elise says:
When I was 17 my boyfriend pressured me into have sex with him. I went over to his house with every intention of doing so but once I got there I just couldn’t do it. It was my first time & I didn’t feel like it was right. Upon telling him this he forced himself on me. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t say no, I could hardly speak… All I remember is how much it hurt. It took me a few months to realise what had really happened & that was it. I dumped him.
TheHopeLine® says:
I am so sorry you were violated like that. I am thankful you were strong enough to break up with him. What he did was so wrong.
Elisa says:
I left my boyfriend of 3 years a couple of weeks ago because I was being really pressured into having sex with him. The first year of the relationship, we both had sex and enjoyed each other’s intimacy A LOT. But soon then, I lost my father and got myself closer to God. I then vowed to not have sex because I needed to fix myself for God and for the sake of my late father. He never understood it. At one point, I gave in & we had sex. But I hated it (even though i’ve had sex with him multiple times before aka 1st year into the relationship) but I just felt dirty and felt like I was betraying God and my late father. I also stopped drinking but he couldn’t accept. I’m so devastated but I feel a lot better now that I finally pulled out the plug! So girls, please. If he’s pressuring you into doing something you do not want, LEAVE! HE’S UNWORTHY! Sending all women lots of love & light, xX.
Xtina says:
I walked away from him one night after he got physical. Such a highly respected and charming guy – but he would continually sabotage my boundaries and take me to isolated places. It always hurt but he would another me with gifts and not allow me resonate soace to even think about leaving. That was for a whole year. From the first date he violated me. I started to think I was to religious and the pressure was immense – I didn’t even know how to tell anyone…they all thought he was wonderful. He would lie on me or hold me and not let me go…..tickle me until I cried ….. Force me to put my hands on him and touch him. I fell in love with him but now I doubt he even loved me. i hate that I even let him in my life. It still hurts to have to see him around – he just moved on like nothing is wrong. Yeah, shoulda left him in the dust from day one but stupidly trusted him and believed his sorrys. Just leave! Forget the continued sorrys! That ain’t love. It’s plain selfish ambition.
Venuspride says:
My boyfriend gets very angry during sex, it hurts sometimes., I ask him to stop and he just gets angry. Ill tell him you have to get me in the mood first and he says he doesn’t like to beg for it. I was also had sex with really early like a week into meeting him, I became vulnerable. I wanted to stop after the first time because I said it felt rushed abs we shouldn’t have sex, he then replied “it’s to late for that isn’t it”
TheHopeLine® says:
Thank you for reaching out and being so honest. These are not signs of a loving healthy relationship. If he is not respecting your boundaries this can be considered rape. At the very least he is being abusive and manipulative. Please chat with a HopeCoach about what to do – https://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/ I am concerned for you and want you to be safe and genuinely loved. We are here for you 24/7. Chatting on TheHopeLine® is private and free.
SUP says:
Respecting and loving others is about doing what will make them happier in the long run, even if that meant challenging their unhealthy beliefs
Isabella says:
Im 16 going to be 17 soon and i started dating this guy he keeps asking to sleep with me and toch me and see my body i keep saying no and he keeps pushing. He seems to think we will be together forever and he keeps telling me what my life is going to be like and its like he is planing my life for me its freaking me out and idk what to do
Veronica Briseno says:
You are very young and you have a lot to look forward to. One thing is for certain, no one should be assuming what your life should be like, but you and God. You have to please Him first and obey what He wants you to do; you shouldn’t jeopardize what you believe in for a guy who is not willing to respect you as a young lady and wait. The word pressure is hard to pass because in a relationship you shouldn’t have to feel pressured. If you know deep down that this guy doesn’t want to respect your beliefs than he may not be worth the headache. I have learned that it is better to always be up front before dating that way there are no surprises later. I can tell you first hand that I wish I would have waited until having sex. Once sex is initiated, it seems that sex becomes more of lust that love. Love can wait and love respects.
Payton says:
I’m a freshman in high school. They’re was this really cute senior who showed interest in me. Me being a dumb freshman invited him over to watch a movie with me. During the movie he started feeling me up. Eventually things started to esculate. He eventually started to finger me and told me I had to go down on him to “repay him”. I this 14 year old virgin am too afraid to say no, so I do. I eventually spoke up and said that I was feeling uncomfortable and I wasn’t ready for this. He acknowledges me but continues to rub on me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel as if I brought this upon myself.
TheHopeLine® says:
You definitely did NOT bring this on yourself. He took advantage of you, manipulated you, abused you, and disrespected you and your wishes to stop. Please chat with a HopeCoach. We are here for you 24/7 – simply click the “Chat now” button or go to this page- https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
jackie says:
Me and my boyfriend (I’m 20 and he is 23) of almost 2 years were taking a quiz thing on the Internet and one of the questions asked if you’re partner stopped offering sex would you look for it somewhere else and he said if I completely stopped giving him sex he probably would. It really upset me cuz I don’t want to think that that is all our relationship consists of. Recently he made sexual comments towards one of my friends while I was sitting right next to him. On the other hand he changed his birthday dinner location that has been the same for the past 10 years to my favorite restaurant just to make me happy, and he has done other nice things like this. So I don’t really know what to think also my parents don’t like him my mom especially. Could someone please offer some advice on what I should do?
Paris says:
I’ve never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone and of course every girls dream is to be loved and follow the trend of being in a relationship. A guy recently popped up on my instar am and commented on one my picture through DM, usually I ignore people and have my in stages on private but for some reason I had a connection with this guy. We’ve been speaking for 9 days now and he said he loves me at first I knew it couldn’t be true but I still say it, I don’t whether I’m saying it because I’m new to starting a relationship with a boy. After speaking he made sexaul comments towards me and says word which make me special. We once spoke on the phone that we were do into it that we took things further (which requires me touching myself). From when I did that I felt so ashamed and sort of disgusted in myself. I told him that I didn’t want this relationship to be based on sex and I even told him I’m a Virgin. But today we spoke on the phone and he asked me to touch myself, I didn’t want to but I ended up doing so. I don’t want sex I want to wait but apart feels like I’m going to fall in that trap & I don’t want to, I refuse to but deep down I’m scared that maybe I will. And the thing is I’m turning 17 in January and he is turning 16 this month. I like speaking to him but to be honest I sometimes feel uncomfortable and he made it clear that he wants sex and disregarding my idea of waiting and not wanting sex. We’ve only spoken for 9 days and I feel like this relationship is wrong, we’re not even together and he already said he loved me. I don’t trust me but I sort of want to. I need your help
muun says:
Stay strong and do not let him push or pressure you into sexual action of any kind. He is moving all too fast and doesn´t seem to be interested in you as a person. To me it sounds like he is taking advantage of your innocence. You are worth so much more then a guy who mostly is interested in your body and sexual things. You have a lot of value and are a prefect person who need to find someone who will treat you as you deserve and like you for who you are,not for what you can do for them.
Rossy says:
same in my case…he pressured me into doing it again and again…but repeatedly he failed(because the place and timing wasmt right) …and then finally he did it…it was a kind of rape…i was telling him to stop but he didnt…and then after he got what he wanted he left me after a few months…
Vellex says:
Rossy, have you told anyone you trust about this? This is not something you should be dealing with alone. He is a predator, and this wasn’t your fault.
Anon says:
my best friends boyfriend isn’t pressuring her into sex but says that if they have sex it’ll make the relationship stronger and make them last longer. I’m telling her this isn’t right and that sex shouldn’t measure love or trust in a relationship. Please help
Lechu says:
Same happend to me too…he broke up with me cause i didn’t have sex with him.Within 2…3 days of break up he found next gf.And i’m here thinking of him,loving him and missing him.😥
lala says:
talk to him about exactly how you feels. If his responses are disrespectful then maybe its time for a break up
Brandon says:
My girlfriend died, and she was everything to me. I won’t go into any details about us, but she was good to me, and respected my wishes when I said no to having sex. Two years later, I’m a junior and I have a senior girl flirting with me, despite me showing that I’m not interested. Eventually she convinced me to get ice cream with her, and come back to her place. She guilted me into having sex with her, saying she was lonely and asking what was wrong with her when I said no. I, having been sexually abused as a kid, gave in fairly easily and she convinced me we didn’t need protection. Fast forward 2 months and I find she’s pregnant. And she wants me to help raise it. I hate that this happened and I hate that I said yes. I never wanted a child, and if I were to have one, I would have wanted it with the girl I had loved. Now everything is falling apart, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I’d rather off myself than meet the kid because I’m scared I’ll be like my father. She tells me if I wasn’t in love with her I wouldn’t have said yes, and if I didn’t like the sex that I wouldn’t have came. I don’t know where else to go for help. Please help me figure out what to do.
TheHopeLine® says:
Brandon, that is so many burdens to bear and a lot of confusing emotions. Please chat with one of our HopeCoaches. We are here 24/7 and it is free and confidential. It really helps to talk to someone who is objective. Click the “chat now” banner on our site or download our mobile app – https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.payoda.hopeline&hl=en or go to this link on our sight – https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp We are here for you and we care about what you are going through right now.
Brandon says:
Thank you. I didn’t know if you’d actually reply
TheHopeLine® says:
You have been through so much. We really do care and want to help. Remember HopeCoaches are online 24/7 and it is totally free and confidential.
Kaylie Williams says:
I’ve always wanted to wait until marriage but I’ve been dating this guy that I’m crazy in love with for 7 months and keeps talking about it. He doesn’t try to force me but he makes me feel bad for him. He says “I want to respect your wishes, I really want to but we’re still so young! Imagine if we end up dating for 5 years or more until we get married? Do I have to be in a sexless relationship that long? You must realize that I’ve had sex before and on top of that I’m a guy, that’s extremely hard for me. I don’t think I can do that.”. So, now I’m at a loss, I don’t wanna give in but every male friend I have tells me I should do it because torturing the guy like that is wrong. What do I do?
Vellex says:
Your male friends are awful friends. You’re not torturing him—this is your MORAL and BELIEF. That’s a big deal. It has nothing to do with him, because if it were any other guy you would still feel the same way about wanting to wait till marriage. Don’t EVER have sex with someone because you’re afraid to lose them. If he doesn’t want to wait till marriage for you, then he is not the guy for you. It doesn’t make him a bad person, either—he just has different wants. And if you both have different wants, it’s not going to work. This is not something you should have to compromise on. You have sex because you’re ready and you WANT to. You don’t want to. You’ve said it yourself in your post. So don’t have sex. If you lose him, he wasn’t the one, I promise you that. Love yourself FIRST before any man. Your relationship with yourself (and with God, if that’s what’s driving you) is more important than your relationship with him. Don’t compromise what you believe in and who you are for another person.
anon says:
I made a very stupid mistake. I basically left my ex for my current boyfriend. He invited me to his house and needless to say things happened. I honestly was terrified, but put up no resistance because I felt weak.
For a while we often had sex but now that it’s been a year I’m not interested in sex with him anymore because he pushes for it by saying he misses the ’emotional connection’. I’m pushing him further away because of it.
I’m having a hard time deciding what to do because when we started talking (at school) his mother was in hospital and later died. He’s extremely emotional, has depression, anxiety and is suicidal. His past lover was mentally and physically abusive.
He’s also told me that his step father has said that he ‘wouldve left me in the bin by now’, which makes it difficult for me to go to his house. If his mother were still alive it’d be fine, but I hate his house a lot. I’ve told him this and also told him I’m not comfortable going to his house but he still tries to get me to go.
He’s tried reassuring me that he won’t do anything or try to have sex with me when we’re at his but I don’t trust him because of how desperate he’s been.
Also if it’s needed for reference I live in the UK and I’m 17, he’s 19.
Please help me
MusicallyCrafty Gamer says:
I refused to have sex with this guy and were only dating for 2 months and he got pissef off because he wants sex and i dont what should i do?
MusicallyCrafty Gamer says:
I told i would have sex with him but i dont want to and i believe that its my choice and not his
Klb28 says:
Hi everyone I am actually older here I’m 28 and married. I really don’t know what to do as I am so very lost right now. There have been several times now where I have told my husband no that I didn’t want to have sex or that i didn’t want to do anything, yet he would use things against me like, we’ll I just did this for you, or I just built this for you, or we never do it anymore (which most of the time he is correct) so then I feel like I have to (as his wife).
I don’t know what to do. Please help.
TheHopeLine® says:
It sounds like you have been clear, but that he is not respecting your feelings. There may be underlying issues for both of you that need to be talked about. It can really help to have a safe person to talk things through with both of you. Have you considered meeting with a pastor or a counselor together? If you chat with a HopeCoach we can give you a referral to a trusted counselor. HopeCoaches are online 24/7. Chat is free and private. Thank you for reaching out. Click this link to connect with us – https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
Meghan says:
I’m in about the same situation as well. My fiancé and I live together. Well there are several times that he wants to have sex and I don’t (it’s late and have to be up early, I’m tired, just not in the mood). And he usually gets mad each time. Last night he wanted to and I didn’t he actually stormed out of the room and slammed the door. And even slept in the living room.
Rita says:
Omg thank you. Thank you for this I needed it. The guy I thought I loved cut me out of his life because I told him I don’t want to have sex with him.
E says:
My dilemma is this- I really like this guy, but he is different faith and culture (Hispanic Catholic). He constantly asks for sex whether it be phone sex, nude photos or nude videos or sexual fantasies. On the one hand, I understand how difficult long distance relationship can be. It has been a while since we’ve been in the same country and gone to the same college. He is respectful of me just getting out of a seven year relationship with a Christian man. We broke up two years ago due to long distance relationship and incompatibility.
So, I’m hesitant to go anywhere with bad sexual experiences despite it being important to the Hispanic Catholic man.
What should I do? We are still in the early dating stage, though he did say ldr was difficult for him. So, he attempted a break and is now back and knows my feelings, experiences, and thoughts about this subject. I’ve made it very clear, but at the same time don’t want to lose him. We are trying out being friends now, though it seems difficult for him to take sex out of the equation. I don’t know him well enough to tell if he’s a keeper or not and my track record with guys isn’t the best.
TheHopeLine® says:
Thanks for coming here and opening up about your situation. I am concerned for you that you are dating a sex addict. The constant need for the nude photos and videos are signs that he has a problem. Here is the definition, “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.” Like a drug addict they increasingly need more and the only thing that matters is when they get their next fix. I am also concerned for you that if you have sent him video and photos what he potentially might do with them, share with friends or on social media. Please protect yourself.
Christine says:
This was honestly really helpful and self assuring that I’m doing the right thing here. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for only around 6 days. In these six days we have gone fast but I don’t feel he pressured me to. I know that my boyfriends grade is a but sexual. So I’m getting prepared for the question to come. This article helped me work out a good response and plan to how to handle this situation when it comes : ) I like my boyfriend a lot and don’t want to loose him so I really want to make sure he understands where I’m coming from!! Thank you ; )
TheHopeLine® says:
I am so glad you found us and that this helped you. Chat with a HopeCoach anytime you want extra advice on this – https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp
Miss anonymous says:
I miss him. I miss him so much. He left me because I told him I wasn’t ready for sex yet (virgin) and he said he couldn’t wait. barely a month into the relationship and he couldn’t wait. It’s not even like I told him to wait till marriage or anything. I begged him to give me just a little time to get my mind ready but nope sex is just too important to him and he he’s already tired of waiting and can’t wait any longer. I should hate him for doing this to me but i just can’t. I still love him and i miss him dearly. He has probably already moved but that’s okay i will move on eventually and i will find my peace soon. But he will never know that I’m dying inside because he broke my heart like this. I will never give him that satisfaction. Sometimes I regret not giving him the sex but then I remind myself that I wasn’t ready and if he truly loved me, he would’ve waited, no matter how long.
TheHopeLine® says:
What you said is so incredibly true, “if he truly loved me, he would’ve waited, no matter how long.” When you meet your true companion one day you will be so thankful that you did not give in. Stay strong!
emily says:
You should be so proud of not giving him what he wanted. I wasn’t as strong as you and trust me, the guilt that comes with caving into the wishes of a sadistic monster like that is so, so hard to cope with. It’s like you were his cattle and he branded you and it will never go away. Be proud that you were strong and do not have to carry around the scars of a toxic relationship <3
Kim says:
Right now I am going out with this guy for 4 dates and he just started French kissing me right after first date. I was so uncomfortable but I was like it’s ok but then he took me to his apartment and started to hug me. I thought it’s just hug and then started to fondle me. I said no I don’t want to do this now and it’s way to early for it. He was like but I love you, I told him it’s easy to say love these days and sex doesn’t define love. Then he was not very happy but let it go. After our 4th day, he invited me for dinner and I had this back of my head something is fishy. I went to eat dinner at his house and then right after dinner, he started again with sex stuff love. I wanted to get out this situation. So I blurted out I can’t with safety and he nonchalantly took out condom. I was surprised. I said NO. Let’s not do it today and made excuse to go home early because of busy work the next day.
I am going to break up with him. I hate the pressure. I will do it if I am ready for it. It not now.
TheHopeLine® says:
So proud of you for standing strong! That took a lot of courage to stand up for your beliefs and defend your own wants. You are a great encouragement!
emily says:
My ex would pressure me. He would make me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to have sex. I asked him if he would still date me even if I never let him touch me in any way; if just being with me would be enough for him to stay. He said no. I continued in the relationship. He pressured me into letting him finger me. Then one night, he came to me without asking. We were in bed, I was about to fall asleep and he tried to penetrate without even asking if he could. That was only the beginning of the horrible, emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. I feel so dirty because of him. I broke a promise to myself, to God, and to my parents. He eventually dumped me because he said he couldn’t see himself marrying me, or at least that was one of three excuses. I think he was cheating. He then moved to another state (military) and now I will never be able to confront him. I emailed him and poured out my soul, telling him how badly he hurt me. He blocked me from all social media. Sending the email helped me get over him, but nothing will ever help me get over the pain and shame and filth that I feel every day. I’ll never be able to stand face-to-face with him and confront him, and that will haunt me the rest of my life. Because of him, I am scared to ever love again.
Vellex says:
Emily, above all else you need to have love for yourself. And part of loving yourself is forgiving yourself. You are not any less of a person because you had sex with someone you loved. I know this guy hurt you badly, and he most definitely did not deserve your love and commitment, but this is not something you should blame yourself for. You said it yourself—you were manipulated and abused. You weren’t in the right mindset to choose what was best for you. And that’s ok. That happens. We’re human. We’re never going to make the best choices in life every time. It’s impossible. We need to love ourselves enough in those times we don’t choose the best option to forgive ourselves and move past it. You are still a beautiful person. You are not damaged. You are not any less valuable. Love and sex can still be wonderful for you. And it WILL be when you forgive yourself.
Once you do that, set strong boundaries for yourself so you don’t have sex again before you’re ready. If you’re a person of faith, I would suggest making sure any man you date in the future is also a person of faith. And if you want to wait till marriage (which you can STILL do regardless of your sexual history), I would also suggest making sure any man you date in the future also wants to wait till marriage. Dating someone who has your same morals and values, especially in regards to intimacy/sex and faith, is going to make your relationship much more compatible and easy.
Charlotte Hall says:
So before about 2 years ago, my partner had (still has) a drinking problem. We would argue in the evening as he was argumentative, adament he is always right. Complete nightmare. I’d go to bed. He would come through a bit later, creeping. He would be like I’m sorry I love you etc etc. Trying to kiss me, hands wandering all over. I’d say no, not in the mood. He kept promising he would get help and stop drinking. He would end up on top of me really really trying to get what he wanted. Not by force especially but by attempting to be really nice and make me feel special. I didn’t. Only being nice after previous arguments to get what he wanted. Anyway I’d try facing my legs to stay shut so no access. How ever he was stronger a bit of force used at this point. I was also tired and pissed off. In the end I gave in so it would end quicker and I could go to sleep. He was always a lot rougher when he was drunk and it would hurt too. Anyway this happened a few times. Then we got our own first home together. Everything was supposed to change then. Bits did bits didn’t. We we’re happy for a good year in the new house. Into our third year together, second year in the house it started to get bad again. I currently live in a 1 bedroom house with my partner 2 dogs and my 4 year old son 4 nights of the week. Last night I was tired, half way through having my son (he was in bed) it’s right next to my bed. The other half was drunk and got into a ramble kept repeating him self. Saying I didn’t get him (it’s like he has a split personality) I do get it as I live with it daily. I went to bed as I knew I would be up early with my son. He came up stairs eventually and kept kissing me. Not like a good night kiss, kept snogging in a way where he was trying to make me want it. I made it very clear I wasn’t in the mood at all. Was tired my son was right there. He was like just kiss me. This type of full on kissing that was very one sided went on for twenty mins. I may as well of had sex cos I would of got to sleep quicker. He got on top of me the usual wandering hands. I said he was winding himself up no means no, respect that. He hasn’t bin interested in ages. Even though I had got all dressed up ready a week before, hair, make up, leather black dress… Not even one compliment. Anyway he ended up saying I like it your a challenge. I said no I’m not I’m telling you as it is, you won’t win. I have give in to many times. I was so tired, cross with him and my son was asleep right next to me. I managed to push him off of me and he still kept trying from beside. Eventually I got more firm and he quit trying. But he turned nasty. Your not right for me (cos I’m a nag about his drinking even though he begs me to help him) anyway he carried on getting louder didn’t wake my son luckily, but he was very cross with me like huh you just wait till you want it next time, never again… Etc etc. This morning I’m still very bothered about trying to help and be their support the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. It would be so much easier and life would be easier if I left, but I didn’t want to give up, he wanted to get sober sort him self out, and when he does we would be perfect. But it seems like all words. I have bad depression as it is. Should I start focusing on me and my son and leave the door open for him if he wants to know if he ever sorts him self out. Last night effected me a lot more than the previous times that I gave In. I just don’t know if I am moaning over nothing? Please some one comment. Thanks
Jan says:
My boyfriend and o had sex today and I thought it was right after we did it I know it was wrong and now I done know what to do do I stay with him or leave he was the first guy I had sex with since I was raped and now I hate myself and I’m thinking to myself why didn’t I say no and I did in a way I told him I was scared and I think he knew I didn’t want to do it but he never stop then half way through I know I had to stop it so I stopped and started getting dress and told him I had flashback of being raped and I want to end it but I feel like it’s wrong to end it can someone help me I don’t know what to do
Kim says:
Can someone please respond? Couple months back I met this guy while working as a bartender. On the second day he kissed me off guard, and sadly I gave into the kiss. Soon right after that he had his hand in my pants, but before he did I’d warned him that I don’t want him to touch my body, still during our kiss he quickly carried his hand in my pants. I was not ready for it, but the feeling suddenly came into me, but before it went any further I told him to stop, which he did. I am a virgin, and I told him right there. He seemed to love the idea that I was a virgin, and I taught it was a good thing that he did. Fast forward to a couple weeks later, I was in his bed, making out with him, to which he started to want to advance to sex. I stopped it by telling him a lie, that I was on my period, and it end there that night. We met each day after that, but nothing sexual would happen between us, we’d just kiss and talk. Then one night he asked me to stay over at his house. I did, and we did make out, and during making out he started to finger me, that was when I realized I didn’t Want to do this, that I didn’t want to have sexual intercourse with him, quickly I told him to stop, to which he stopped. He made me gave him promises that night. Like for one, he asked me to stay in a relationship with him, to build a family with him, to live with him, to marry him. I promised on them, and when I did he seemed very happy, very pleased. And we went to bed from there, cuddling. Then for the next couple of days he would try to touch my private area, to which I’d fought him off, and he’d get angry. I would say no! That I do not want you to touch me on there again until you propose to me, he’d never propose by the way. I’d stopped giving him benefits, I did not make out with him again, neither did I allowed him to touch my private area ever again. I told him that I want to remain a virgin until I marry, buy he’ll get upset, saying that I won’t allow him to have his way with me. But from that time he’d finger me, I just didn’t want him to touch me there again. Then came the time I had to leave where he was, because I’d gotten a work in another town. The only communication we have was over the phone. We’d talk almost everyday. But the problem was that he’d tell me how much he wants to make love to me….etc. And I’d change the topic. However it took being away from him for months to realize he was manipulating me! I’d stopped calling him, and whenever he’d call me I would ignored him. But it has not been easy for I am in love with him. I’ve been reflecting a lot, and what my gut feeling is telling me that this guy is only with me for my virginity, and the moment he gets the chance to have sexual intercourse with me, he’ll go away! Still I’m scared that I’ve given away too much of myself already, I let him see me naked, I let him made out with me, kiss me, out his hands on me. So why don’t I just give him my virginity then? But my senses came back to, I knew he’d gotten some of his way with me, but the one thing he has not gotten as yet is to have sexual intercourse with me, and when I remind myself of this I feel encouraged. I was so encouraged that I got the strength to send him a break up text. I told him everything in the text, of how much I found out who he really his, a manipulator, that his only intention was to bang me from day one. That he had no good intention concerning me, that how much I’m glad I met him, because he help me to realize my worth, my self respect, that I won’t settle for his abusive behavior anymore! He called me many times from after receiving that text, to which I did not answer him. Until one day he called me on another number: I told him that it does not make sense for him to be calling me, that I’m done with him, that I forgive him, that I wish him the best. He however had gotten defensive, asking me why can’t he call me anymore, he says that despite my text that he still cares about me, I told him to stop caring, to never call me again. He’d gotten angry then, saying that after he hangs up, he’ll delete my number, and that I will never hear from him again….. I won’t lie, apart of me wanted to tell him not to delete my number, not to stop calling me, but then I remembered who I was, that I was a virgin saving herself for the right man God design for me…..and so I took a breath, and told him again that I wish him the best, and he interrupted me then, saying that he’ll be good, and happy without me, I think he wanted to disrespect me but didn’t know how to, because I’d bested him to his own game, and so he hanged up, never to call me again. Did you think that I made the right decision? Did you think that I might have possible chase away the right guy for me? I can’t stop thinking about him, sometimes I even have to stop myself from calling him, and to make sure that I’m not tempted to call him, I deleted his number……
Rebekah Bowman says:
You did the right thing!!!!! Hang in there
Tandy Greek says:
I do not like the attitude, “identify why you don’t want sex.” I don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why I don’t want sex. Other help sites suggest “if you’re not ready, go on double-dates.” People do not have a right to refer to people who do not want sex as “not ready,” attitude assuming that at some point they will which indicates they are not listening to you and are not taking the decision seriously. Angry Rhett Butler movie scenes, “Rhett, I don’t want to have more children” and a tirade about some other man, her “precious Ashley” behaviors. Not letting me do anything because, if you have the energy to bathe, you have energy for sex. If you have energy to maintain your sanity, you have energy for sex. People “dying” and “can’t wait” to “get you into bed.” I will not tolerate people who gang up as if they are the males testicles, silent treatments, “nothing to do” in the community, being alone, people being obnoxious to deter making friends and people being stand-offish because you won’t have sex in their community. Therapists who think, “we have to find out why and fix it,” “can’t wait to get you into group,” “we’ll loosen her up,” “the right man and the right amount of coercion is all it takes.” That view by professionals is sexual abuse.
Kat Cam says:
While pressuring someone to have sex may be morally wrong it is not legally wrong so long as they don’t pressure through violence. But just as one person can decide they don’t want to have sex in a relationship the other party has every right to express their desire to have sex be a condition in their relationship. It’s up to both parties to communicate their desires and see if a compromise can be made. If not then while it may seem painful sometimes then the only option is to end the relationship. Sometimes one side can persuade the other side but that doesn’t mean the person wishing to engage in sex should be criminalized for their attempts at seduction/persuasion. Sex is complicated and lots of people get very immature when they desire it, hoping to change another person’s mind. So the best thing to do is try and stay true to yourself but recognize your partner is being true to themselves too when they desire to engage in sex, and are capable to express their desires even though they do not align with yours. The make of maturity is finding away to constructively talk about what both your needs are and how you can best meet those needs without compromising autonomy and agency for the both of you. And sometimes it works out and sometimes that is when the relationship has to end.
Chim says:
We don’t have label yet and we known each other for about 1month we are comfortable for each other and then he already want to have sex because he wants to make sure that I won’t leave him. I keep saying I’m not ready. it’s too fast but he always get mad and saying that he will leave me so I said ok we will do it but I’m really not ready for it. I lied to him that I’m sure but I’m not. What should I do? We will meet tomorrow 😞
Miranjana K says:
Actually my boyfriend loves me and he wants to do sex. But the problem is that I don’t want to. He also said that pls don’t leave me becuz I am telling u to do sex with me. But he wants to do it with me. I mean i said no but still he is begging me. What should I do?? Pls help me !! Should i get rid of him or should i continue ??.
Pratibha says:
Leave him..
Kimberly says:
I’m not a virgin. I only had sex once and with my ex boyfriend. I’m two months into my current relationship and my boyfriend really wants to have sex. I’m not ready honestly. Merely the fact that I had sex means I know what it is enough to know I’m ready to wait until I really want to do it again
Pratibha says:
Leave him……….as soon as possible..
Bovyyy says:
What if iwaited ofr 6 months but now i cant control should i leave her cause she tells me that shes ready but she doesnt wanna have it clearly so idk?? Any suggestions ??
Scarlet French says:
I’m a virgin. Dating a guy four years older than me ( its a new relationship that started a month ago) and he’s ready to have sex with me and I’m ready to have sex with him but we’ve decided to wait until I’m a bit older then we will have sex but I have a friend who’s already had sex and she’s the same age as me so when ever I look at her I feel pressured to say screw it and have sex with him. We’re at the stage at our relationship we’re we are going to have our first kiss together and I feel like the next step after that is sex. Is it bad that I want to have sex at my age and feel like I’m ready for it?
thehopeline says:
Scarlet, It’s good you’re really thinking through this, because what you do now will stay with you for the rest of your life. You are a virgin and you will always remember your first. He’s 4 years older than you and that’s a red flag. Is he really the one that you want to remember as your first when your older? Does he really care about you? Are you ready to give away a piece of your soul to him? Because you’re giving away something that is really important. You are not the first to feel this pressure and if he really cares about you he will understand if you want to wait. It’s only been a month. Please give it some more time. We don’t want to see you hurt over the decision to give away your virginity to him. Ultimately, it’s up to you. It is your choice and not his choice. You are valuable and you are worthy and you should be treated like this by whoever you are in a relationship with. By not rushing into sex, you’ll have the time to really get to know him and build a relationship on more than physical intimacy because sex alone is never enough to hold a relationship together.
cindy says:
I wish I had read this before noe its late and I can relate to all this pressuring from my ex hevtold me that he loved me and to trust him that he wanted to get married with me but all the time that we talked he was just pressuring me and wanted nude pics I never gave in on the pics I madebout with him once and later he wanted to see me only little did I know he wanted tobhave sex and I told him to stop but he didnt hes a few years older than me and I thought he really loved me but he lied and O hate him becaus he knew I was waiying till I got married am 24 and he took my virginity and left me . I hate him asked God to forgive me and to help me cause I dont know what to do I felt dirty.
Leda says:
Hey sweetie, I’ve Been down this road .. and it’s so hard … do you have anyone you can just share your heart with …? That’s a really huge way to get free from the pain and emotional torment ! I’m so sorry this happened ! You’re not a failure !!! If you need someone to talk to please feel free to txt me!!
sumi says:
hy leda…i want to share my story with youh😢
Shirley says:
Hi , I’ve been with a guy for about 14months , but truly I saw the obstacles about 2 months in .. violating me into having sex , pressure everyday , he’s also 7days a week drinker .. then I realised I’m living with an acholic, it’s been hell on Earth , I’ve got put into my own flat .. but he’s left me broken .. trying to put me down .. saying he loves me all the time .. but after reading through some of your emails I’ve realised he was just lying about the word love .. he used it to make me think otherwise so he could get sex … just a control freak .. yet he thinks he can go round telling people lies about my character.. I’m staying away ..
Ijidai says:
My boyfriend left me for his ex because I don’t want to give sex in the relationship this is the second person now, what do I do help me
Ella Beyb says:
All you have to do is walk away and never turn your back. You have to respect yourself. If a man truly loves you, then he would be patient enough to wait until you are ready. You don’t need to validate your worth by having sex with him. It is NOT your responsibility to satisfy him sexually. It is your body and you have the right to say NO. It’s better to be alone than to compromise your virtue. If someone left you because you refused to have sex, then he’s not worth your time and your body. Go forward with your beliefs and your dreams. Be happy and be patient because God will eventually send you the right person at the right time. YOU ARE PRECIOUS. Always remember that. 🙂
*PS. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Shazia says:
Hi I’m dating this guy for almost 6yrs but we only meet each other at my home for a few minutes and that is only wen he feels to have sex with he don’t take me anywhere he doesn’t do anything for or even buy me anything he always promise to marry me every year but he don’t also he promise me every week he will take me somewhere for lunch o we will do something nice together but he doesn’t. If I don’t want to meet him to have sex with him he starts fighting with me and want to break up with me. Plz help
Jaska says:
Shazia, I’m in the exact same situation as you. Except it’s only been 4 months for me. My guy is the same as what you said though, he has never taken me out anywhere or given me any of his time… the only thing he really ever does with me is have sex either at my house or his. He also promised me that “when he has time” maybe in a few weeks he’ll take me somewhere, but never does. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don’t because I don’t know what to do either. Maybe someone else here has some advice, hopefully. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
Kim says:
Thats not a relationship that sexship. If he can’t see the importance of getting knw each other & experiencing new things together, it’s not worth staying. Try to talk ro him about it first. If he doesn’t show that he respects what you say..then i would advice you to go
precious says:
Am in a relationship with this guy it barely two month and he is already pressuring me for sex…. But I think in am not ready for it now cause of my previous relationship wia I was betrayed….
now how do I know that this guy truly loves me as he claims
Am confuse I want to give love another chance in my life am just 21 and he 30
Christy says:
Reading all this comments is giving me hope that I can do it…cus I av really been pressurized…I avnt enjoyed any relationship all becus I dnt give in to sex
E Texas says:
Love can always wait to give. Lust can’t wait to get
THANK YOU for this and for the other clear and practical points, so gently and compassionately presented.
I think it is true that people trying to understand normal behavior by learning from our culture can honestly be mis-educated about what love is. But it is also true that all of us generally have mixed motives for our choices. And it’s easiest to believe in that whatever suits your own immediate interests.
Thank you so much for this post. I will use it to motivate myself, to formulate what I say to future dating partners, and to fortify myself in remaining broken up from my most recent relationship.
Pia says:
Hy, I’ve been dating this guy for 3years now but the last year was really rough. He kept ignoring me, not responding my calls and messages, giving me cold mono replies, always avoiding me. At a point I had to cry and literally beg him to tell me what I did wrong. Just recently, he came around and his eyes showed real love. I was shocked to see he still loved me. So I confronted him. He said he didn’t have enough courage to face me until he had to forgive himself. That he noticed that I didn’t want to have sex and his body, wouldn’t let him be. So he went out to get it cause he respected me too much to disvirgin me. That but he still loves me and would even like to marry me. I’m sure I love him too. Pls, I’m confused. If he loves me, he should be able to wait for me. And also, isn’t it because he loves me that he had to go out? He felt so guilty he couldnt even face me. Pls help. It’s eating me up
thehopeline says:
Pia, First, what he did was wrong. Second, it is good that he felt guilty. You’re right, if you loved you he should be able to wait, but he can be forgiven by you. He is human and made a horrible mistake. For your relationship to continue to work trust, communication and respect is a must. You must be able to trust him again and he must respect you enough not to step out on you to have sex with other women. Both of you must communicate with each other better especially after a 3-year relationship. Being open and honest about sex is important in a relationship too. If you feel you want to continue this relationship then talking to a counselor would help. Both of you talking to a counselor as a couple would be even better. We have a partner that will give you a free consultation and help you find a counselor that fits your needs in your area. This page has all of the details. https://www.thehopeline.com/partners/focus-on-the-family/ Ultimately, the decision is up to you. It’s important that you take care of yourself.
Bruce says:
I’ve been dating this girl going on 6 months and was intimate with her 5 times. Each of them 5 times, I felt regret because I really didn’t want to have sex with her but felt pressured to do so so she wouldn’t feel bad and like I’m not attracted to her. Explained that I’ve been abstinent for 4 years prior to meeting her and realized the mistakes I’ve made in past relationships before my 4 year “dry spell” and really learned to take things slow. The last time we got into it, she said she was disappointed that I stopped and told me she got disappointed that I kept “pulling back” and asked if I was attracted to her. Of course I am but I told her that I’m scared of getting her pregnant (she’s on the IUD but still have my skepticism on any form of birth control, strange things happen everyday lol) and because I was by myself for so long it’s gonna take me time to feel comfortable feeling intimate with any female and it’s not her at all. I felt bad because I know guys are supposed to be on top of the world after sex but for me, I’d rather take my time before I get intimate with anyone just to be sure this is the person God want to spend the rest of my life with.
Anonymous Lady says:
I think you should tell her that her value is outside of the sexual attention she gets from men.
I’ve noticed a lot of girls struggle with mens desire for them being a big factor in how valuable they feel. Allot of girls will think something wrong with them if guys don’t show a clear sexual desire for them. It’s our own insecurities they say that, and I think you need to really reassure her that it’s not her, that you want to go back our God first, she she shouldn’t be reliant on your sexual affection in order to feel okay.
Anonymous Lady says:
*that you want to honour God first
Livia Rich says:
I just started dating my boyfriend two days ago, but we have been building up to a relationship for about a month. He’s a really great guy and my parents love him too. I’m a virgin and he isn’t and he said that he wouldn’t do anything if i didn’t want to. My last boyfriend tried to pressure me into physical stuff and I’ve been violated before. Today I went over to my current boyfriends house and he began touching me. We were both wearing clothes, but I still wasn’t comfortable with it. Afterwards he asked me if that was ok and I said it was, but it really wasn’t. Now I’m scared to be alone with him because I’m scared that I won’t be able to say no. I really like him, but I keep flashing back to things that have happened to me before. What should I do?
Zach says:
You need to be upfront with him, tell him it made you uncomfortable, tell him you don’t want to do anything sexual right now, clearly state your boundaries, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to tell him that you have had problems with an ex in the past and that it was hurtful. Your boyfriend is one of the closest people you have in your life. It’s ok to be open and honest with him. After all, you’re being open and honest to me and I don’t even know you haha. He asked you if you were ok with touching, which sounds to me like he cares. I would talk to him. If he cares he will listen and respect what you are saying.
Arohi khan says:
On the 1 St day my boyfriend start to talk about sex and done oral sex to and he was also asking to give my mutes pictures to him but I ignored and said I can’t do this anymore and I blocked him from everywhere and then he started to call me WhatsApp me from other number and massagged me that I will not do this anymore but I don’t think so
So, please suggest me fast what to do
Tolu ilesanmi says:
I just started dating my boyfriend for two months now…. Before we started I told him about my rule… No sex before marriage… He knew about it but when we started he wanted us to do oral sex which I didnt like and I told him…. He stopped… No he’s telling me that he is having those sex talk with other girls… What can I do? Should I break up with him or what?
..... says:
If u respect your self break up with him he’s not worth it if he is having sex talk with other girls he should enjoy that n u should move I’m sure u can find some one better than him someone who respect your feeling n who respect u
Tamara Komarova says:
I’m having trouble with my boyfriend. We have been on and off a lot not officially dating. However, we are really good at the moment and he said he loved me as I do him. We would start to touch and he would beg me to do things I would say no too I have given in before but had a firm talk saying when I’m pressured I don’t enjoy anything we do sexually. He agreed however started saying things like ‘wow now I’m such a terrible person’ and so fourth. 4 days later he’s pressuring me again saying ‘he just wants to do something new with me’ it resulted in an argument and we aren’t talking as I didn’t want to do it. What is any advice on this situation
Liona says:
if u r not ready to do some thing that u don’t wnt to do then tell someone like your parents a teacher or someone u trust
Travis Codner says:
I was just in a relationship and without realizing I was pressuring the girl I was with. At the time I had no idea. She didnt even tell me that it was bothering her and kept it to herself. She told me that she did those things only because I wanted too do it when we broke up. I feel horrible for hurting her. I do feel she should of communicated with me better about it but I also feel I should of known. Its eating me alive. Am I bad person.
Anonymous Lady says:
When that happened to me, I remember the guy at the end of our “relationship” 😒 ask that if he had “moved slower” it could have worked out, and he asked me when I “knew” that it wasn’t going to. I told him like within the first month I could tell because I saw we didn’t have the same motivation or standards.
He was like “man I’m so stupid… Wow I’m stupid.”
And even though I hated him so often for some of the things he did and I felt super disrespected, I remember thinking and truly believing that he wasn’t stupid. Yes, I said he was a jerk and entitled and disrespectful and didn’t listen. But everyone has reasons behind why they act the way they do, and though it’d be hard for me to believe that he was unaware of how he made me feel even though I told him so many times, I can’t say that he’s or that you are a worse person than the next, because we all fall short of the glory of God and of perfect holiness. It’s just that I feel my pain foremost.
It’s good you feel sorry, so you just ought to reconcile yourself with her and then learn to forgive yourself. You can recognize that how you acted offended her and really forsake that way of behaviour and then forgive yourself. Don’t allow those thoughts to hover over you and define you.
Scotia says:
No it’s alright, happens all the time. Hopefully you guys are on good terms.
Anonymous Lady says:
I was “friends” with this one guy who I felt violated by. One of the first nights I had any alone time with him he continued to touch me and mess with me. I told him over and over again that I wasn’t interested and then eventually told him that we should just be friends.
As our “friendship” progressed he would continuously make moves and I feel like I repeated myself so many times. I told him I didn’t want him. I stopped talking to him multiple times but then he would kinda stalk me by showing up at where I would be unannounced and then get really upset or curse at me if I told him I was busy or uninterested. I didn’t realize it then but I see now that I had fear of him and that really affected the way that I acted.
Whenever I complained about him doing something he’d just get so angry and I eventually got to the point where I wouldn’t say certain things because I didn’t want to hear his mouth or anything.
He talked about sex way too much and I told him he needed to get it out of his mind because I decided to not have sex ever again until I got married due to being a follower of Christ Jesus. And I constantly told him that we needed to be friends and then I even said that a friendship wouldn’t work because he couldn’t even respect those boundaries. I feel like I was manipulated and I told him no soooooo many times and I shouldn’t have had to repeat myself that much.
There would be days that if we fell sleep in the same room I’d wake up and he would be on me. If he was ever in my room I would open the door and then he’d yell at me and accuse me of thinking he was a bad person who only wanted sex.
I only put up with his BS for two months but I had a lot of regret and even months after this situation, I still see hatred in my heart heart towards him. I used to want to forgive him, but now it’s like every memory I recollect brings out the hate inside of me.
I remember asking him once why “guys didn’t take girls seriously when they say no or stop,” and he was like “well she can say no, but that” I didn’t even finish listening because I was so upset. And I told him that he had the mentality of a rapist and he shut me off but didn’t get angry as usual.
He ended up apologizing to me later on for “putting me in uncomfortable situations,” but I told him he needed to be more specific, because I hated when he touched me and was disgusted by him so often, but sometimes I’d go along with it simply because I was scared to speak up.
I was so angry with myself because guys I’d dealt with like that in the past I shut down quickly, but I should have with him after the first time he was inappropriate but I didn’t. I was so mad at myself because I was weak and believed him when he said he’d stop making advances. I know now that I hate him, and I wanted to see a counselor about it because I just feel disrespected and I’m hurt because I know that if he’d even listened the first 5 times I spoke up I wouldn’t have experienced such trauma.
Tan says:
Iam in relationship from about 2 1/2 years… I was pressurized to have sex with him for the first time in the name of trust and also said that without getting physically attached i might not take you seriously. In the fear of losing him I’ve accepted and lost my virginity. After that whenever he asked me i couldn’t refuse since i hav already done it. When tried to make excuse he gets mad at me and talks to me in different way like sarcastic way. He takes care of me gives me surprises everything was fine. But he used to control me like whenever he asks me to sleep i should sleep. If i hangout with my own family he starts behaving in different way. At first i thought to change myself to make him happy. But even after making such efforts he always gets mad at me for every thing. When i started questioning him about it he used to fight with me. He scolded me using many bad words n also pointed my character and later tells me that i was in anger and didnt mean any of that. When i question him about that he talks to me in such a way that in the end i feel guilt about it. I always feel that iam cheating my parents. I couldnt take the guilt anymore that i told him about it and asked him to wait till marriage. He got upset and later kept calm. I thought he respected my decision. Then after few days he started asking me again for that and one day indirectly he said that you are being selfish thinking about your parents what about my parents and my feelings. I am not able to control it. I want a girl who can be mine totally i cant live like this.. These are the words he said to me. According to my view getting physical is not everything. It is just an expression. Emotional bonding is much important. He is blaming me now for staying physical for 2 1/2 years and denying it now. Yes I’ve made a mistake i should have waited till marriage but it took me this ling time to get courage and tell him. He felt cheap for getting rejected and broke up with me now. And also said that he was raised in such a way that he cant change himself now. He left me even after begging him I know that iam being controlled from how to talk to what to talk. Yet i am unable to decide whether to leave him or try to get him back because iam that attached to him. Iam just struck here crying with flashes of our good memories running in my mind. What to do??
Scotia says:
Oh no
Hope you’re in a better place now sis ❤️
John says:
I just dumped a woman who was pressuring me to have sex. It was only our 2nd date, and I made her dinner at my place prior to going out. Well, she didn’t want to go out, just wanted to stay in and make out. I told her I would like to know her better before having sex. I only have sex in committed relationships. Well, she gets all upset, accuses me of not liking her and being gay! I asked her to leave and she did. She called me and apologized, and I did set another date because I do like her. Well, the same thing happened. She said real men ALWAYS have sex by the 3rd date and usually on the 1st! I told her I might be old fashioned, but I do not have sex until we know each better and have made a commitment to be exclusive with each other. Well, after insulting me again, I took her home early and left. I told her not to contact me again, and I would not be contacting her. It’s been a week and she’s blowing up my phone, but I’ve blocked her and will not go out with her again. Her loss. I would rather be single than betray my values.
phim heo says:
Nice post. I learn something new and challenging
on blogs I stumbleupon every day. It will always be
exciting to read content from other writers and use something
from other websites.
Pam says:
Is there someone I can talk to about this? But privately, maybe through email? I don’t want to leave a comment and I’d really like to talk to someone.
thehopeline says:
Hi Pam, Yes, thank you for asking! You can chat privately with a HopeCoach at https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/. It’s free and they will listen and help you through your struggles. We also have email mentors available. It would be a woman that you can email back and forth with for as long as you like about what is going on in your life. To sign up for an email mentor go to: https://www.thehopeline.com/emailmentors/