I thought I’d blog on a topic few ever talk about, much less practice, but is incredibly important to our sense of peace and happiness. Let’s talk about how to seek forgiveness when you have hurt someone. When we hurt someone, we undoubtedly cause a broken relationship. Broken relationships are not healed without someone seeking forgiveness.
Alex wrote me about a horrible situation she got into, one that leaves her craving forgiveness, even if she’s not sure what will happen if she asks for it: “One night I made a mistake that I can never take back and it is killing me. I slept with my boyfriend’s twin brother and I am now two months pregnant with his child. I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend because I don’t know if he will be able to forgive me and I love him so much and he means the world to me.”
Most people never attempt to heal broken relationships because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, and it forces them to come face to face with their own pride. It’s hard to admit you have done something wrong and put yourself at the mercy of others. We’ve all seen people try to squirm their way out of a difficult confrontation about something painful they’ve done. The most insecure people use denial or blaming others to escape from having to wake up to their own failure. Being humble is the key to experiencing forgiveness and healing.
Humble yourself; it’s the first step toward being forgiven.
Vicki wrote this story about needing forgiveness: “Early in my relationship with my current boyfriend I cheated on him. I immediately felt awful about it and regretted doing it. Not too long after it happened, I told him what I had done and how I felt about it, and he was very understanding and he forgave me. Looking back on this two years later, I realize that we were (and are still in) a very loving relationship because forgiving someone after betraying them is VERY hard to do, but he was willing to do that for me and work on keeping our relationship strong.”
1. Admit to yourself you have hurt another person. As painful as it is, you have to come to the place where you admit you’re guilty, no excuses. Asking someone to forgive you requires a broken heart and a willingness to repair the damage you have done. It’s not just saying, Forgive me if you think I happened to have done something wrong. You need to understand the amount of pain you have caused, and accept responsibility for it.
2. Talk to God. Ask him to forgive you for what you’ve done and to give you the strength to talk to the person you’ve hurt. God is very interested in you seeking forgiveness. Jesus said something very powerful about the urgency and the need to seek forgiveness: If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God. (Matthew 5:24)
3. Ask for forgiveness from the person you hurt. If you are going to meet in person, you may want to write down your apology, and then practice saying it out loud until you are completely comfortable with it. What to say? Be honest. Don’t apologize just to make an uncomfortable situation go away. You need to clearly explain what you are sorry for, without making any excuses. You might need to find a third party to help you, especially if it’s difficult to talk face to face. You may need a peacemaker who can help bring some objectivity to the conversation. Don’t expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize.
4. Let the other person respond to you without getting defensive. You may need to give the other person time to sort out their feelings. Don’t expect him or her to immediately jump up with joy (or forgiveness) the moment you apologize. It is important, if possible, to make sure the person you have hurt says Yes, I do forgive you. In so doing, they are saying, I’m not going to keep bringing it up or hold what you’ve done over your head. Sometimes when you seek forgiveness, a lot of people will then turn around and seek forgiveness from you.
Even if the other person refuses to forgive you, you’ve done your part to clear your conscience and show you want to change. In time, they may come around and forgive you. The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior. But you did the right thing by seeking forgiveness, and your new attitude and actions will be the best way to prove you are truly sorry for what happened.
The best way for you to respond is to show yourself as continually trustworthy, avoiding opportunities to slip back into the wrongful behavior.
Let’s go back to Vicki, who concludes this topic very well: “When I look back on how thankful and lucky I was to be with someone as thoughtful and caring and understanding as my boyfriend, who had the strength to look beyond my stupid mistake, it makes it easier to give other people a second chance if they hurt me because I want people to feel how I felt, because it feels wonderful to be forgiven.”
For more help with forgiveness, read my blog on what happens when you don’t forgive.
Check out this free eBook from TheHopeLine on Forgiveness!
Jennifer Pruitt says:
I do have a question: what if the person you want to forgive is dead? How would I go about that?
hannah says:
you can still forgive them even if they have passed on
Sally says:
Forgiveness in this situation, is for you more than the other person…and for your relationship with yourself and God…
If the thought came to you, that means God is giving you a chance at forgiveness…may God restore and guide
Lorraine Lipinski says:
go to the grave site of this person with another person as a witness maybe two witnesses and ask for the bones of the deceased to forgive you for your offense of not forgiving them when they were alive. by doing this, you are acknowledging to yourself, God, and two witnesses of your wrong in what happened between you and the now deceased.
Harene says:
I seriously hurt my friends feelings, when she was already in a hard time and I made it harder for her. What can I do?
zainab says:
I broke a promise whith my friend on monday she’s gonna ignore me .
what should I do?
DRAYA says:
LOOK I HURT MY FRIENDS BEFORE CAN YOU GIVE ME HELP!!!!
seeking forgiveness says:
3 months ago i met a wonderful caring man, and we have talked everyday since. Until 2 weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything from him since. I know I must have done something wrong, but I don’t know what I’ve done. Since we are both professional drivers , its hard to know where he will be. I’ve tried calling, leaving messages, even texting I’ve apologized and asked forgiveness even though I don’t know what I’ve done. What do I do now?
anonymous says:
Let him go
Rodney Marshall says:
So I have really hurt my wife and I don’t know what to do at all I was looking online at women and she found out and a huge fight broke out and I don’t know what to do to make it up to her she doesn’t trust me anymore and says she doesn’t want to be with me anymore I love her so much she is my world does anyone have any advice?
TheHopeLine says:
At TheHopeLine we have many resources for both you and your wife to find healing and hope. HopeCoaches are available 24/7 to chat online or through your mobile device. There is hope! https://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/
Angel M says:
I hurt my fiance by being critical, unaffectionate, & withdrawn. I was in a dark place I had depression of my own. I hated where I was at in my own life and I took my frustrations out on him. I grew distant, withdrawn from our relationship, & critical. He broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. We still see each other but I can’t seem to get him to commit back to our relationship. I know he is hurting cause he uses opportunities when I’m being kind to hurt me. He reminds me often that I have hurt him. I love him so much and I’ve realized how I treated him over being frustrated with a move I made, my home, and my job. My heart is broken and I feel so incomplete. Idk how to get him to forgive me and trust that I will never hurt him that way again. What do I do? I can’t lose him!
Larry says:
I hope someone has a answer, I just did the same ,and I didn’t even realize it
Bernice says:
I lied to my boyfriend that I’m pregnant and not him alone but his friends and his mother I’ve tried asking for his forgiveness but he hasn’t said word to me for a month now I don’t know what to do cuz I’ve done everything to say I’m sorry but he is not talking to me … What do I do
krysten says:
I had another friend come to a party and she brought some younger people and I told her to tell them to lie about there age to other people so my one friends wouldn’t have to leave and somehow my friend throwing the party found out and he kicked me out and is very mad at me..
Steve says:
You need to keep trying. Forgiveness is not an easy task for anyone. Tell him why you did it and acknowledge that you were wrong. Let him know that you agree with him on how awful your mistake was and make sure he knows it’s not something you’ll ever do again
Enoch Rodney says:
someone said something to me that hurt me really badly, i have forgiven him but before i was able to do that i poured out my emotion and anger. By the time i realise it the things that i said have hurt someone else’s emotion. God forgive me for being so selfish and speaking out of anger.
Enoch Rodney says:
someone said something to me that hurt me really badly, i have forgiven him but before i was able to do that i poured out my emotion and anger. By the time i realise it the things that i said have hurt someone else’s emotion. God forgive me for being so selfish and speaking out of anger
Kelsey says:
I hurt my husband really bad and he’s staying so we can work it out but I am so sick of myself idk what to do to gain his trust. I said this would never happen to me but God showed me otherwise
TheHopeLine® says:
That is wonderful that he is willing to stay. We are all capable of making mistakes, but your marriage can turn out even stronger as you work through whatever deeper issues may have caused this to happen. You can chat with a HopeCoach anytime 24/7 if you need help processing your feelings https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/
Alicia says:
I hurt my best friend a few weeks ago at a disco and ditched her for my boyfriend I know that I was so selfish but she forgave me and then her friend keeps bringing it back up to her because she doesn’t like me and then she is hurt all over again what should I do
Merlynn Koh says:
I slap my classmate this morning and her mom is very angry with me and I know I had no right to slap my friend Valerie. I wrote a letter to her mom and I sent it to her I’m not sure if her mom has seen it. I just called earlier and her mom picked up and hung up on me she said she didn’t want to talk to me my classmate has forgiven me and the school is investigating the case.
Jessyka says:
I made a huge mistake. And I feel like a really bad person. I slept with my stepsisters boyfriend and he’s the one that made the first move. But he was a really good friend and I would never want to get him in trouble. He is way older than me and I did consent. But she found out somehow and I lied and said I didn’t. So she hasn’t talked to me in weeks and everyone I know knows I “lied” that I did have sex with him. I am in the middle of writing an apology letter to her. Am I doing the right thing? I just want her to forgive me
hannah says:
jessyka, it will take time for your sister to forgive you. But you have to sincerely apoligize and really be sorry for what you did. hopefully if she sees how sincere you are her heart will be softned
Pop Chox Escanilla says:
how can i ask forgiveness from the parents of my wife that i had cheated?
Alia says:
I really made a big mistake. I hurted my classmate who’s my Bff too. She has a crush. I wanted to know who he is so I could check on him if he’s kind or something. I tried to look at my Bff’s facebook account and saw him there. I memorized his name and told him in our group chat.I spreaded it and i wad wrong. It’s the boy’s older brother. She got angry at me and she saif that its easy for her to forgive me but hard for her to trust me again. I’m crying right now and.don’t know what to do. Please if you see this please respond. Thanks😊😊
heavensent says:
I confessed to my girlfriend the one I want to make my wife that I cheated. I didn’t know she was going to be so hurt coz of I knew I could have kept it to myself…I started loving her to the point I thought she was a person I can share everything with. when I told her about everything all she did was crying and told me to leave her life..but we are back in school again and she gave me the opportunity to talk to her
saved/broken by THG says:
I hurt my boyfriend because of my depression. And the most horrible thing is that I made him believe that I don´t care for him. I forgot some of the thigs we agreed when we retook our relationship and as a way of punishing myself for doing so I stepped away from him and that made it even worse, of course. I explained it and apologise but I don’t know what to do to make it up for him
saved/broken by THG says:
I hurt my boyfriend. I am dealing with depression and so he is for my fault, I forgot some of the agreements we did when we returned. I still tried to be more loving ad caring because I was not in the very begining of or relationship and that was one of the things that made him hurt. The last thing that hurt him happened a couple days ago, I broke one of this agreements but it wasn’t anything big so I did apologised but doing it but I didn’t apologise for hurting him and as I usually the one who makes the mistakes, I’m always seeking him but I wanted him to look for me too and he did but I kind of punished myself for hurting him so I stepped back and I made things even worse. The day after it, we talked about it and he undertands what is happening to me but he is still hurt…
irma says:
i’m going through a very similar situation and im not sure what to do. keep being persistent or just give him space hope the love is still there…
C.Gonzalez says:
I hurt my boyfriend too he is moving out and he said we need time apart to wash away all the hurt. And hopefully in time Jesus will bring us back together. I pushed him away for so long because I thought he wasn’t what I wanted and now I fell in love with him and he’s all I need. I’m hurting so bad I feel so broken and not to mention we work together as well so we would drive to work together which is a reason why it’s making this more difficult.
Jerome says:
I stole my girlfriend’s money to smoke crack and now she hates me and I hate my self for it because I can’t control my urges what should I do
Sally says:
Appreciate your honesty….
I’d say…get really honest about the root cause of the problem….
Get into recovery- any 12 step recovery group…that way you’ll have urges as well as these things dealt with in a healthy way..its a support group of addicts in recovery or those who are struggling..they will understand
Novemae Pasco says:
I have a bestfriend, he’s a gay. He’s very mad at me right now, as in super mad. How to approach him if he’s still boiling out of anger? I know I did a mistake, super big mistake. How to approach him if he’s currently mad?? Please? I really need it right now. He even texted me and told me that he don’t want to see me. Please. Thanks!!
Caitlyn May says:
I hurt my mom’s feelings really bad and when I apologized to her it made things worse. I’m trying to keep it together but it is killing me that I can’t get her to forgive me. I’ve wrote her letters of apologies and said it in person. Idk what else to do. Please help me to figure it out.
Lauren says:
I hope you’ve figured it out.. But I would say… take a step back… and try to breathe… and figure out why you hurt her. It’s important to know what your reasons were. and then you can talk to her from a perspective of self knowledge.
Hope that helps.
Lauren
Prįncéss Prę says:
its been hard for me to apologize to my mother for what i have done to her i have stolen money from her and its really hard for me to apologize im afraid of what she is going to think of me im afraid she wont look at me the same
TheHopeLine® says:
I know it is hard, but it may draw the two of you closer together. Have you downloaded our free eBook on forgiveness? It has helpful insight. http://info.thehopeline.com/forgiveness-ebook
Lauren says:
I hurt my best friends. And now it’s be over 5 years, and I still feel the pain of not being able to talk to them. I wasn’t ready to talk. I had nothing to say. I was afraid to say what I wanted to say. I was very sheltered, growing up. And now. I realize, that I’ve hurt them, and that’s why my life is going astray. You can’t build on misfortune.
Any help would be much appreciated.
Lauren
$234875418 says:
Due to my best friend not telling me to knock it off with cute knicknames or poems i wrote to him (while married) even though we never had any hardcore talks about if we even were fancying one another, but it just felt right. He never pushed me away and when I thought I was bothering him through text or email, I always asked him. He doesn’t want to hear this. For the past 3 weeks I have been blocked from email, FB, cell… any technology; rejected! Or he could be just ignoring me, i wouldn’t really be able to tell because even when we were friends and things went well, he would ignore me. So i can’t tell but … I know for a fact for FB he blocked me. That’s easy to tell enough. Right away I apologized. I hurt his feelings, insulted his wife, insulted his integrity, his intelligence. Most likely everything to push him further and further. I haven’t figured it out, why I would do this. We had mutual friends. His good friend is my husband. I know I know, what a freaking mess. There are just two regrets. The two probably why he is not speaking to me or texting or emailing me. One I insulted sort of his wife. She told me months ago when she was angry at him how she felt he was in love with his sister and how his sister well the same… i thought that was distasteful and disgusting.. and she should never have told me that because when i was mad at him for settling with her just because they have been together a long time but he is not in love with her because he has hinted i thought i would be the honest friend, but that was i know a NO no. Friends don’t do that. I took for granted our friendship. He allowed me to say anything in the beginning without saying anything to me. I am sure he lost respect for me. My other regret is me emailing him my feelings for him. Yes he liked me, so I thought he wanted to hear me say I wanted to have – – – with him. I can’t believe i typed that to him. He def. wigged out and it all exploded. I am broken. Broken because that is not who i am as a person. I am 39. I have never acted this way and never done anything like this before. I am married and his best friend is my husband. I know its so freaking insane and I don’t deserve anything but he led me on many times that I know is on him, but he doesn’t want to hear it. How is it I can forgive him for leading me on and not stopping me from “texting him late nights” and when I asked him if I was inappropriate by writing him a friendship poem, he said no, and if I was ever nosey or too involved. HE said no … So why is this all on me 100%.
He flirted with me. I am not the type of girl to flirt with a man, but subtly I did because of him. I thought he wanted to hear me say what he couldn’t say. I was wrong. But 3 weeks of just blocking me. I know he must not want to hear from me and it is the only way not to hear from me is to block me. Is this normal for a man to do? Should he be just confronting me?
Karen says:
I really hope you stopped worrying about him. About him blocking you and not talking to you. This is a good thing he did so because you both are MARRIED to other people. You should probably be looking for a separation or divorce from your husband. If you are truly in love with your husband as you should be no amount of flirting from another man will pull your eyes away from him. That’s love. Instead of worrying about this man who is blocking you (for good reason) you should really be worrying about your relationship with your husband and where you stand now. This man may been flirting with you but he probably didn’t think you would take it that way. So stop thinking about him and start worrying about your family. It’s done. Leave him alone.
CCC says:
I have a best friend and I love her but she has a boyfriend that lives in a different state after moving 2 years ago and they’re still together and I’m happy for her. I tried avoiding to admit I love her but she ended up figuring out. It was all good we were we still talking to each other but about 2 days ago we got in a little arguement and now she won’t talk to me I tried apologizing and keep talking to her but she says she’s not mad but she clearly is and I don’t know what to do.
Sukrit Thanalerdwong says:
I really do bad and wrong to them. I wronged them. So now they are following me and take it back or give it back to me. Please forgive me.
John says:
Hard to tell of the world I come from love the movie I can only imagine relate to it and so much more sadness tried to die to much pain to live but Jesus saved me out of a jail cell been homeless deal with a horrible disease of diabetes 50 years was able to forgive my father and mom talk to brother first time in four years still so hard to forgive yourself I have done many bad things Love Jesus praying he will forgive me
Beloved says:
That has truly blessed my heart. Thank God I can feel this persons acceptance for my forgiveness.