GIVE NOW

Why Do People Lie? – Reasons for Lying

Most Everybody, at One Time or Another, Has Lied

Tell the truth now: that includes you and me. In fact, some people, sad to say, lie almost all the time.

Psychologists call these people compulsive or psychopathic liars. They tell lies even when they don’t have to. Even the youngest of children will lie, especially if they think by doing it, they won’t get punished for something. When children first learn how lying works, they lack the moral understanding of when to refrain from doing it.

Because lying can have such destructive and harmful consequences to both the liar and the one being lied to, I’ve written several blogs on this topic.

There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. It seems so many people I talk to have a problem with lying whether it’s their own, or someone else’s.

While maybe everybody lies at some point, few understand how destructive it can be, why we do it, and how to stop it. So, let’s answer those questions.

Let’s begin by defining what lying is:

Lying is saying something with the intent of creating a false belief or impression. It’s an attempt to get someone to believe something that is not true.

Lying – Self Evaluation

  • How many lies do you think you have told this last week?
  • Who did you tell the lies to?
  • Why did you tell the lies?
  • How do you feel about the lies you told now?

Sometimes a lie might seem unintentional, or it may have been told to save someone else’s feelings. For example, someone may say to another, “That sure is a pretty dress!”, when the person knows it’s ugly. We all have the capacity to lie.

Why Do People Lie?

FEAR

It was Tad Williams who said, “We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.” People can be so afraid of what might happen if they told the truth. Maybe they have done something wrong and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, so they lie to cover up what they did. As is often said about political scandals: It’s not the crime that gets you in trouble, nearly as much as the cover-up.

MANIPULATION

Lies are typically motivated by a desire to get other people to either do something or not do something, or to make a decision in the favor of the person doing the lying. Someone might lie to get something they desire such as sex, money, status, power, love, etc. Lori said: “I’m young, but I realized quickly lustful people know how to get what they want, even if it means lying to you about how they feel.” Probably the word love is used in more lives than any other. How often a guy will say to a girl (or vice versa), “I love you”, simply to get the other person emotionally stirred up, so they can be more easily manipulated.

PRIDE

Many times, a person will lie because of pride. They use it for nothing more than a tool to create a favorable image of themselves. This leads to exaggeration, which is a form of lying. Often people will create fascinating, yet completely false, stories to improve their image.

Bottom line: We deceive other people because we think it serves our purposes in some way. And it’s easy!

What’s the Big Deal About Lying?

It becomes an addiction.

When you get away with a lie it often drives you to continue your deceptions, and in the process, we ruin relationships, hurt others, lose our integrity, and lose our peace. Truth becomes a feared enemy of the liar. It’s a sick and tragic cycle that doesn’t ever have a happy ending.

Lying may seem simple and harmless at first, but just like any addiction, you’ll soon find yourself trapped and entangled more than you could have ever imagined.

Liars don’t have peace

 Lying is extremely stressful. It causes you to be constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering who might be finding you out. You’re always running through the lies you’ve told in your head, trying to keep track of what you’ve told to which person, and what’s the next lie you need to tell. When you’re honest, you don’t have those worries or the negative consequences of your lies.

Roselyn commented: “I can say that not lying is a very relaxing way of life.” The fact that you don’t have to worry about remembering old lies or getting in trouble later on when the truth comes out (because it always does) puts a lot more relief in your life. Even when it’s hard, telling the truth always has a better outcome than a bunch of lies.

Lies ruin relationships

 People are constantly looking to see who they can trust and who they can’t. People are actually much more perceptive and aware of who tells the truth and who doesn’t. Over time, honesty shows itself as a trait that is beautiful and deeply respected.  Liars are not respected.

This is true in all our relationships whether it’s dating, family, friends, or at work. Macey put it so well: “It’s always best, to be honest. It makes any and every relationship strong and healthy.”

Someone commented about the value of being honest: “I used to lie a lot. I would lie only because it was easier than explaining the truth. And I have finally grown to realize that it’s easier to [be honest]. Being honest and open has actually gotten me further than lying. My parents trust me, and I feel good about myself. And when you feel good about yourself then you know that everything is okay.” This person has come to realize that when we tell the truth and live it, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger every day.

Telling the Truth Increases Security

It stands to reason that if you are not always working to stay one lie ahead of your last lie, you will be more at peace and have greater security in your relationships with others.  The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, understood this well. He wrote, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.” Proverbs 10:9

God speaks of the dangers of lying often in the Bible. In fact, “Do not lie” is one of the 10 Commandments. God understands how much pain lying brings to both the liar and those being lied to and so He tells us not to lie in order to protect us from pain. The Bible also says, “For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.” Luke 8:17

Here is more of what God says about lying – Verses of Hope for Struggling with Lying

Following God can offer so much security in many aspects of life. For more on a relationship with God read Learn More About God

Honesty Challenge

I want to offer up a challenge to all of us. Would you be willing to commit to a life of honesty and integrity? If you’re up for this life-changing challenge, please write me a comment below, and tell a friend about your commitment too.

Has lying become a part of your everyday life? Need more help? Listen to Dawson’s Podcast, How Can I Stop Lying – EP -19.

  1. When I met a friend, this past school year, who I thought was the friend I would have for the rest of my life but, she was just manipulating me or “testing” and “acting” as she called it. She told me in text that she was acting and that I might get to meet the real her next school year, if she felt like it. I felt like I lost a part of me and I couldn’t find it because it was gone. My happiness had turned to sadness and anger as it fell from the sky like a bomb and exploded in my face. When I learned that she was manipulating me I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her anymore and that I wasn’t going to put up with her manipulating me. It is going to be very hard to find a new friend because it is going to be hard for me to trust them.

  2. husband has gambling addiction i thought he was getting help from. Noticed this last year he changed a lot and became very addicted to online gaming all night long every night from like 9pm-2am. But, every tuesday night he was still going to his Gamblers annonymous meetings. I found out in July he had not been to them in 6 months and yet– every Tuesday night he would time it just right…come home at time the meeting normally ended. Tell me the meeting went great. Drop the first names of some of the people who were there. He would come home with a half eaten box of cookies stating they had extra food and he was allowed to bring some home to us. for 6 months he lied about going to his GA meetings. I caught him in a total lie–saw his car not in the lot of the meeting one day. Called him to say HI, he says–“Oh I will be home in 10 minutes, I am just walking out to my car now, the meeting has ended,” I said: “Really bc i am in the lot and I don’t see you here at all,” He says: “You caught me…I didn’t feel like going tonight” and hangs up really fast. What he doesn’t know is I talked to one of the regular meeting goers who tells me they have not seen him in like 6 months and have been worried about him. I am really puzzled bc every Tuesday for 6 months he’s coming homs at time meeting ends, with the cookie box, telling me it was a good meeting. AND!!!! because I notice no money missing from our accounts I often say to him:”I can tell you are not gamblling–good for you–do u think you still need those meetings every Tuesdau?” He always tells me yes, he still likes going. So, now I confront him with the lie. He tells me he hasn;t gone in a few weeks. Didn’t feel like going and was at Barnes and Noble reading magazines every Tuesday. I say- “Really, so you haven’t been for like just a few weeks?” I ask him many times this ? and he keeps saying YES. THEN I say– “Well, I talked to the people and they have not seen you in 6 months and are worried about you. What is going on? If you didn’t want to go anymore I kept telling you I could tell you were not gambling and maybe you didn’t need to go anymore. Why would you lie about going somewhere for 6 months and go through so many steps to lie- the cookie box half eaten…the exact timing?” I am totally livid. He has lied so many times to me i never know what to believe. Or, he with holds info and never gives you the full story. He has no empathy, no feelings towards others and always in his own world. I loose it and shouldn’t have maybe but i am mad. I say things like: “How am I suppose to trust you? Marriage needs trust.” Fast forward to December. Out of nowhere (for me–for him it was all well planned out) he tells me he is leaving me and wants a divorce. We have a 4 kids. We have little money. WHY DID HE LIE???? Why did he always lie to me??

    • Trust the untrustworthy, forgive the unforgiveable, love the unlovable, the person I speak of needs this most.

  3. I have a wife that lied to her own son for twenty eight years that her father was really her ex husband and that the guy she had an affair with left her high and dry. For 28 years she has let her ex husband also tell his fake son he was his just to cover it up. When I confronted her on not after I found out she left and said to me some crazy stuff and threatened to kill me of o ever for involved. Overall my wife and I separated over this and many other Lies I found out she was telling me for seven years.

  4. Yes my son is 44 he lies all the time you cant believe. Anything. He says’ he met this girl he told her so many lies it isnt even funny and he has a bad drinking problem. And he will work 3 or 4 months and he want for 3 or 4 months i an at. My wits end i do not no what to do thank you

  5. Hi, I’m jana… I’m 15 years old with An addiction to lying. It has taken over my life. I had lied to so many people, I only have two best friends in this world, other than my family of course… Anyways here are some stories of my lies.. My first memory of a lie is when I was in the first grade, I lied about having dogs and puppies for who knows why. When I was in second grade, I began to get bullied.. I have German and French roots so body hair is in my blood.. Some boy at school approached me and looked down at my arms and said ‘why are you so hairy? Girls aren’t supposed to have hair’. That has scared me for such a long time… In third grade I lied about a boy, then he came to our school and everyone found out I was a liar.. That’s when my reputation began to grow.. In fourth grade I lied about my family and us being rich… When in reality, we were loosing our house to the bank and my dad had just lost his job. In fifth grade, I lied about having some long lost twin sister and my ‘real dad’ who had been in a car crash. In sixth grade, I lied about homework and being ‘smart’ and I would pretend I was always better than everyone. In seventh grade, I lied about all these boys and about what people said to me to start drama. But little did I know the drama was just starting… in eighth grade, I found out our family was moving 600 miles away to just south of Los Angeles… I was devastated and I tried to drink bleach because I didn’t want to leave home… My parents found my journal when they were packing and saw the stuff I would right about: death, dark poems, shadows and nightmares, that whole thing… Halfway through eight grade I moved here. I started a new school halfway through the year and was not welcomed with open arms… I was bullied for the first couple of weeks, then people started being nicer to me. I immediately got straight A’s when I was their and that got people mad because this is a advanced school for starter end kids… I guess I didn’t make the cool kid cut… I lied about playing sports and about having a boyfriend and about being super smart… When I got their people saw the real me, and they judged me for it. I got hate (cyber bullied) on social media.. So what did I do, I started to lie.. And lie… And lie, until people figures me out and I got bullied once again… Then came Charlie.. Charlie was amazing, he was my rock, my angle, my first love… He was everything I never had and everything I ever wanted… people started accepting me and I got more and more popular. More guys noticed me and more peoples heads turned when they saw me and Charlie walking.. Then he broke up with me because his friends have him a choice between them or me. He choose them… Here comes bullying and more lies… Summer came and went and I missed my old friends more than anything. But freshman year! Finally high school! All the drama was over and I could have a fresh new start!… Or so I thought. Lies came out of my mouth before I could even think otherwise. I told way to many people way to much and that started to ruin my reputation and ruin me. Then I met izabel. She was my best friend in the entire world. We could talk about anything, laugh about everything, and be there for each other through it all… Then what did I do.. Broke her trust. That’s what I did. A new girl at our school had a halloween party and I brought baileys… Izabel and I had agreed to never ever be those girls. And I broke her trust. I didn’t drink any but i did pretend to be drunk. Why did I? I have no idea.. but that was the start of it all… She cried, we fought. But nothing saved out friendship. She ignored me forever and our friend group all broke up… If I tried to talk to her she would start telling at me or ‘roasting’ me in public… Then came lunden. Lunden was the love of my life… We had 6 amazing months of perfect love before I screwed that up too. I told him ‘their were distractions’ in out relationship and we decided to just break up… the whole school year has gone by and I still love him… We are working it out now but he still loves me too.. He just needs time with God to figure it out.. Oh did I mention I’m a seventh-day Adventist? Well I am. And this school I’m at, it’s a private Seventh-Day Adventist school too! So to add on too of everything, we are all good little Christian kids… so basically my life is so far ruined because of my selfish lies and deception…

  6. For my opinion I think people lie because when their caught at their act they know that they”ll face the consequences for what they have done.Even when you didn’t do your assignment the teacher would ask you for your home work and if you didn’t do it you’re going to lie about it but sometimes teachers don’t understand you
    didn’t do it on purpose it’s just because they forgot to do it and people don’t understand the work and you as the teacher should not scolf the child instead you must go over the concept to him or her in the evening or break time because you don’t understand what child is going through and if you see that he or her is gazing around a d not paying attention don’t scold instead ask if he or she is not understanding ask what part is giving problem and go over it again

  7. My boyfriend and I been living together for two years now. He went away for a couple of days, while he was gone his brother tried touching me, and got into my bed while I was trying to sleep and tried kissing me and feeling me up. I talked to him and told him he is being extremely “eff’d” up, he responded in telling me he liked me this whole time but he could never show it because his brother is always with me, he told me he knew I liked him too by the way I look at him.
    My response was, this is all a fantasy in your head. I’m in love with your brother we have a family and he gave me a ring, were in a serious relationship blabla etc..
    After denying him multiple times, him storming out of the room and walking back in to try and convince me, he finally ended it with please don’t tell my brother please please. Etc.. I told him fine I won’t, to make him leave me alone..
    The next day when my boyfriend got home, I told him, of course.. but when he confronted his brother he denied everything and said I’m making this up to ruin their relationship. That I am just jealous of them, and that I need to be in a psychward because I’m crazy to make something up like that.
    I said okay fine let’s all talk together. I confronted him in front of my boyfriend and he denied it to my face. ..
    I am just in shock. .. like what?!?!? How can someone do that???

  8. My friend is a liar. All good is done by him and all bad or social evils are done by other friends or peoples. But, I know the evils is done by him. Why does he do that? What is this disease?

  9. My partner has lied to me from day one. Heard about the stories fishermen tell? Well, he loves fishing, golfing, gambling, lying, and pretending to be something he’s not. In my analytical mind, I always try to figure out what drives someone to do what they do and I agree with the blog posted, it comes from fear. Fear that they aren’t accepted for who they are and/or the choices they’ve made. I also think it comes from immaturity and the inability to make reasonable choices that they can feel comfortable about.
    The worst part is that they try to turn it on you, make you seem crazy, controlling, etc. And when you’re parenting a child together, the example being set is terrible. Can people recover from this?

  10. hi I split up from my ex about 8weeks ago,he said I stressed him out and scared him he couldn’t explain why .I had had amajor op and wanted closure and wanted answers but he woldnt speak to me .im still wanting answeres now.He said his mom wanted to know why he was being funny he also said I stressed his new girlfriend and she went home.Both these statements don’t make sense,he;s27 and to me he hsdnt grown up.lies after lie.

  11. I have a 35 year old son that lies. We are a very average, educated family with a son that could not make it in college. He gave up and got a very responsible job and has worked it successfully for years but he has never been honest with us. He got into some money trouble and instead of coming to us he starting borrowing from Pay day loan companies and friends of ours without our knowledge. His health was compromised with a nervous condition (surely from his deceptions) and he had to lay off work for 3 months. He did not tell us. He even continued calling his dad every morning on his way to his job even though he was sitting in his apartment. My son has self esteem problems and I am sure that is the basis of this. He has Klinesfelter Syndrome and an auditory learning disability. He will not tell us the truth about anything. He says we are trying to take charge of his like and he wants us to butt out but we can’t seem to do that either…we love him too much!

    • call him to your house and he will be very angry when you tell the truth what is going through ask him what happened he loves his father that the reason he is still communicating though is his not doing the job. I suggest you to probe him in a helpful manner and say him we will try to solve your problems to our best and try to know all the situations you’ll get to know a major problem don’t get angry with that try and try until u solve his problems and join him in a good course so that he can find a good atmosphere to learn and a possibilty to earn good money for future the best way is to u have a enqurie a good course ur self give him as a give make his like sort of busy so that he can again gain confidence. i’m orry if i have given any wrong info i always try to give my best. i’m sorry i don’t respond to mails,tq

  12. Please help. husband co-worker said he slept with me, we NEVER did! Why would someone say this! * Update, this person said he has a picture of us together. this is total bs! Asked husband for the picture, he said he doesn’t need it because he believes it! So,now I don’t know what to think. Told husband I need to see it,and if you don’t how can you believe these lies! Husband has cheated on me before, and maybe he’s making this up??? Confused

  13. the co worker wants you or the co worker has a revenge on your husband . The only way I guess is remind your husband the old memories of you both and show him how much trust worthy u are and hire a detective if possible for the co worker to revel his original identity to your husband live… I guess this works. I’m sorry I don’t relay to mail much and my heartful sorry if i gave any wrong information.. thx

    • Thank you for the input. Things aren’t good. So much headache.

  14. i understand your concern. I suggest you to find a job for your self and also don’t argue with your husband much and if you know he’s lying please notify him at the end of the day bcuse if you say truth to the people they will be angry and you have show the circumstances what will happen in the comming future if he follows the same way. it might be difficult but he will realise and come to you again in the future. he might feel burden with the standard income. if you get a good job or a normal job and try to educate further as much as possible better to take course a hour a day for a job he will build confidence and he will get to know that we can also earn money in different style by education . there might be very less time for this stuff in your lifes but this is the best way to get out of this and tell him your best moments of your life so that he can find the lost love in you. tc

  15. My husband has a compulsive lying problem. He lies constantly about everything even when he doesn’t have to. He also has a bad drug habit. He has sworn to me time and time again that things will be better but it never gets better. The last time I caught him lying I kicked him out and now we are getting a divorce. I have tried to help him get better over the years but nothing helps. Part of me feels like I’m giving up on him and abandoning him, but I can’t trust anything he says and he makes me into a paranoid mess when I’m around him. I don’t want to see him fail, but I don’t want him to hurt me anymore either.

    • Hello Vanessa, my name is Andrew. Sorry to read your story as it has many similarities to my marriage ending just over 2 years ago. From the begining, 20 years ago, my ex-wife and I shared substance abuse. Before I met her I didn’t even smoke cigerettes but occasionally, since the age of 15, had joints with my older brother. I met my ex-wife when I had just turned 18 and she was 19. Initially she was a daily bong smoker, and within 6 months, I became the same type of addict. At that time she lived with one of her friends, who both had a young child each. The supply of the dope was readily available within this environment so our addictions didn’t seem like that much of a big deal, because we always were under the impression it was just a habit and could give it up at any time. Once she moved out, with her son, we embark on our voyage of life together. The first year was great but changed dramatically once our supplier moved away, which caused my life to change forever. The unforgetable, terrible scum I had to score off over the next 20 years, to not only satisfy my addiction, but my ex-wife too. We went from dope to extasy to MDMA to powder Amphetamines and finally to Meth Amphetamines, all along continuing to regulate the abuse with canabis. I lied and lied and lied and lied. Not only about how I paid for them, where I got them from and who I got them from. Lies to cover lies to cover lies to cover lies. And when I couldn’t pay or couldn’t aquire substances, my ex-wife took to serious Alcohol abuse and became very violent. During all this we managed to have a perfically healthy baby girl, who is nearly 17, but may as well be 27 after what she has witnessed.
      I read something about a certain types of people who lie, but I identified with all types due to dealing with our families, dealing with my ex-wife and the most harmful environment, dealing with dealers.
      My ex-wife walked out on our marrige, which I don’t blame her for doing as I think all my lies did make her question her sanity, yet not an hour goes by that I wish I could hold her and love her again. Unfortunately, there is not enough time left in our lifes, at 40 and 41, for me to repair her lost trust and respect for me again. And it’s hard, so hard for me to accept these facts.
      If your ex-husband is solely to blame for his lies and the damage he has caused and the pain he has create, well I personally think he would be very upset deep in side his heart.
      Substance abuse is a generic illness, like alcoholism, but alcohol is legal and therefore makes substance abuse much more difficult to overcome.

      • first of all u cant become addicted to weed

  16. I can relate to your story. I’ve asked myself and my husband “why?” So many times. I can’t believe that he chose his lies and the kind of life that came with them over me and our daughter. Whenever I caught him in a lie he would get very defensive. Suddenly everything that he had done wrong was somehow my fault. I think it hurt his pride to get caught. He and I are getting divorced. I’m going to focus on raising my child and getting my life back on track instead of trying to keep track of him. I hope I will be happier in the long run. I also hope your life gets back on track soon too. You and your children deserve a good life.

    • Sorry, but divorce makes you a liar too. And your child will know that. Then you’ll be teaching your child that lying is good. I hope you’ll instead choose a support group to comfort you & help you love as you promised, and maybe he’ll improve as you eliminate his fear of your rejection. I know how you feel. There’s a better way than giving up. Don’t trust your emotions. Human emotions are pathological liars, and sometimes just blind.

      • Umm, I got out of an abusive relationship with a liar and I’ve never felt more free than I do now. Please don’t call me a liar. I tried everything to make it work with him. He wasn’t willing to change.

      • How can you call me a liar? I haven’t heard your response yet. This bothers me. This site is meant to help people in their time of need and despair, not pass judgment onto them. I did make a vow to love him but so did he. He hurt me in so many ways, emotionally and physically. No one should have to stay in a relationship like that. If you have nothing nice to add to the conversation, then you need to stay off of this site.

      • Don’t rip on other people and project your pain onto them because you don’t have the balls to leave an abusive husband like they did.
        You’re the bad mother. You teach your kids once you make those vows that people are free to abuse you.
        They’re never gonna wanna get married now.

        • i agree

          • Thank you both so much!

        • Actually, I teach them how to set boundaries for how we are to be treated within an unconditional commitment marriage. I do not teach our children to just sit by and be abused. I teach them how to give unconditional respect, which helps the relationship improve, and teach loving confrontation that inspires change. To work to keep lifelong commitment promises and work to lovingly confront, actually protects the child in many ways. Take note that the #1 child molester is mother’s boyfriend, and #2 is step-father, and the main reason for the crime & poverty & terrible schools for city families is due to broken homes. Clearly the best option is getting help to stay committed to our spouse, even if temporary separation is required for safety. It is unconditional love that inspires lasting change in character. I have worked through almost 29 years with my husband. Raising children together is hard work. Most are sorely unprepared, as we were not, both coming from broken homes. I wanted to break the cycle of the child neglect that is forced by parents breaking up. They just do better if parents love each other, and with enough dedication to honesty about wedding vows, one spouse CAN inspire the other most often to put the needs of children first before their own emotional preferences. Following the right advice, the friendship of the parents can fully blossom. The wonderful start of the relationship is only a bud. The best is yet to come, after they are tried by the fire of parenting older children and come out a more pure shiny gold example of love, real love, not the typical fair weather friend love. Honestly, most of the mistreatment between spouses is just bad reactions to mistreatment, both taking turns being annoying. So if one person learns how to be fully respectful and loving, the other isn’t on the defense all the time, and might be happy with who they have at home instead of looking elsewhere for better respect. I’m not a young wife. I’m 47, oldest child 21, together since 1989. I’m an Olympic level wife….not an amateur. I’m in this to win! The prize goes to the promise keepers. It honestly would have been much more work to start over with a new man or be alone, because of the kids. They have needs, and can tolerate parental discord far better than parents abandoning each other and dealing with parental dating and step-family…notoriously more difficult parenting & visiting when children are grown. We ought to do more to help people learn how to get along. There are skills that most people don’t know exist. Marriage is so far different than dating. As different as flying a jet in a storm is compared to riding a bike on a flat paved bike trail on a sunny day. Be curious about this skill set. Don’t assume it isn’t real or wouldn’t work. 15 years ago I would have agreed with you. But I know better because I tried something else not part of popular culture, and it worked. We’re happier now, and the kids too, than would have been possible if we had given up in 2007 as we both had been severely tempted. We’ve both seen enough people in our life choose to give up and start with new people or alone…..None are as happy as we and the are after the same number of years from the start of the big difficulties. Most have not married their first partner after their divorce. Some have been remarried 18 years and now are fighting frequently after initial years of just pure cooperative bliss that we admired so much. Didn’t last. Others just refuse to marry again and date around as a lifestyle. Some divorce a 2nd and 3rd time, always blaming the other person for 99%, as does their ex. They’re both right. Without unconditional commitment beliefs, they are doomed to constantly judging the other person in ways that offend and take the relationship in a downward spiral, the speed being the difference between relationships. Many die before the relationship dies. Only a rare few trade love equally enough to motivate continuation of trade and make it til one dies. Love cant be earned. That would be prostitution. Love is a free gift. Rather than give up on a difficult or very difficult husband, choose to truly love and lovingly set boundaries. It IS possible to really enjoy each other again after much difficulty. To tell the next spouse that you’ll abandon them too if he doesn’t measure up, is not nice. He’ll be fine with that arrangement for only a few years, maybe 10-15 before he gets tired of his wife’s judgementalism. People tell me don’t judge, but that’s impossible for any person to not judge every other person on the planet including self. Only in judging can we be safe or find friends we can trust or choose a husband or teach a child to be a better person or trust a teacher or babysitter to help with our children, or accept a job if we think we’re qualified or hire someone or choose between 3 applicants to rent to one, etc. I don’t judge to make people feel bad, but to offer a better way than giving up on our wedding promises. As an athlete or mother of several children knows, often when the situation in most painful and we think we just can’t go on or we’ll die, we are so close to victory and new life. Many an athlete gave up or was found dead literally feet from safety. They just couldn’t see where they were in relation to water or the road or the shore. An English Channel swimmer gave up on making history because he was sooooo exhausted, and asked to get in the boat. The fog didn’t let him see that the shore was within a short doable swim away. Most women just don’t know how to relate to their husband as a husband, but only as a boyfriend. I know how, not perfectly, but good enough. It does get better than the dating & honeymoon days. If you learn how. You can’t wait for him to change first or even at the same pace. The children are worth our sacrifices of what we’d prefer to feel emotionally 24/7. A country is only as strong as it’s families, and strong families are not built by surrounding ourselves with people who only tell our bitter selves what we want to hear. Surgery hurts, but it’s often the only way to best health. Don’t be afraid of marriage advice that hurts at first. Look at this couple who had 5 divorces between them and then we’re going to divorce each other and separated, before they chose the unconditional commitment lifestyle and got back together. They are in California and run the Marriage 911 ministry.

        • They all do want to get married and have kids, and the oldest 21 is already engaged with a wedding planned for right after college graduation next year. Her best friend’s 2 siblings say they never want to marry or have kids because of their parent’s divorce. My parents divorced and my 3 siblings only had 2 kids between them, only one within the first marriage then none with her second husband. My brother had a child with a girlfriend, broke up during the pregnancy, never married, just lots of girlfriends, doesn’t seem to ever want to marry, just cohabit for years on end with various women. My other sister just perpetually dates physically, keeps choosing mostly divorced guys who don’t want a wife. My husband’s 2 brothers…one is promiscuously gay because he was raised by an alcoholic with no supervision and porn as wallpaper literally, mother moved out when the little guy was only 9. The other brother never had kids and is on his 2nd marriage. My Dad’s best friend left his wife & kids years ago & remarried and the 3 boys barely have a relationship with him since. So sad. The science backs up reconciliation of first marriage as being better for everyone than broken homes are even if parents remarry happier. The rate of divorce for 2nd marriages is higher than firsts. My daughter is engaged to marry a man with a 4 year old daughter from a previous girlfriend. The visitation difficulties and bitterness between them is typical, and so hard on the little girl. What a drain on the new romance too, all the ongoing drama with the ex and the little girl missing her mama who doesn’t have custody.

      • you should really stay off of this topic and please don’t make anymore comment you are just hurting people here and if you say you are not hurting people here then guess what you just lied to your own face

    • vanessa mind that amy west girl i get it and i agree you had to leave the relationship and i agree she should stay of the site for saying such idiotic things

  17. I need help….I lied to my husband about some serious stuff I’ve been trying to lay everything out on the Table and it’s just to hard to do, he said he’s giving me another chance and if I can’t tell the truth he’s going to leave.

  18. I have been broken up with an ex for months now, but we had been fighting for the past months because I was trying to extract the truth from all his lies. He lied to me from the very beginning, about how he had sex with 2 people instead of 1 person. He lied about his actions – promises he couldn’t keep. He would reveal my privacy to other people. I cried and made him promise to stop, and he would promise, he would even reassure me once in a while on his own that he was upholding those promises. Months later, I found out he had broken all those promises but he would delete messages and texts from other people so that I wouldn’t find out. I would ask him why he lied and to tell the whole truth, but his stories would be more lies to cover for previous ones. I couldn’t take the paranoia, depression/sadness, & stress anymore. I FINALLY blocked him from everywhere, I was slowly blocking him one by one from different social media accounts, but my heart is still aching. I lay in bed for hours every day thinking about all of his lies and I am brooding in stress, paranoia, sadness, wounds that he has left me in. Broken trust and strained energy from renewing hope again & again & again. I had trust issues in the first place from my past experiences with guys, but this just totally messed me up. I’m shaking and I feel alone in the world. I want someone to heal me, but no one wants to put up with a sad girl who needs time, consistency, and emotional sensitivity to my need for security and rebuilding trust.

  19. My husband use to lie about his hours spent working I was pregnant and felt so unimportant to him. Then he lied about watching open where money was spent. He has lied about hiding money from me and even when he got caught didn’t seem to bother him much. He recently told me he was kidnapped. We are separated and I hadn’t seen it heard from him in a few days. I even received a text message that was supposedly given to one of the kidnappers saying that he loved me and might not see me again. There were so many holes in his story but it seemed like he believed it too. It has left me angry, feeling disrespected and not worth the truth. I started sleeping with other men just to get his attention I wanted him to notice me and to stop watching porn especially after promising he had stopped.

  21. I lied about doing heroine to my friends because i thought it was cool at first but then I didn’t realise how quick it can spread and I don’t know how to tell all of the people it wasn’t true help me please

    • Tell all i am working on a shot films

  22. I have been in a relationship for over seven years and in the beginning of it I told little white lies to see how my partner would respond to them. Well little did I know these lies that I told would haunt my relationship up until the end. I would find my self lying about the most weird and stupidest things like where my location was who I am around but I do want to say I have never cheated in this relationship my only fault was lying but I would lie because my partner could be very controlling and jealous at times now I am not saying this to justify me lying I am merely stating facts I tried so hard to rebulid the trust and honestly back with us and it never worked I wanted so long ago to go back and tell him the truth about the little white lies I told at the start of our relationship but it was to late to far gone . so now I am left with nothing to show but I have made the decision not to go on in life with telling lies and to be honest with myself first

  23. I used to lie to my 2 little sweet sisters they aren’t my own sis , not even my blood relation …they were my orkut (social website )friends .when I was 17 I lied to them about many things such as life style, age etc .I told them that I’m a car designer &my age is 23 once I even told them that I’m suffering due to cancer .I still don’t know the reason why I told that eventuality I came to know that I’m being addicted to lies …I loved my 2 sisters more than anyone in the world …once I told them the truth ..it’s been 5 years since they left me 🙁 I still want them in my life because .. don’t ever lie if u do so u will hurt badly it’s my request to everyone u will get hurt badly

  24. my grandaughter dad said i did something to her and i did not that lie can get me in jail just a lier lier

  25. leave the past what happend in previous year start new life in this new year.

  26. I really feel for all of you who are sharing about the problems with lying. I have not personally had this issue, but I have heard many life-stories of those who have, and RECOVERED! I want all of you to know about Celebrate Recovery. You may have heard of it. It is a program that is based on the 12 steps and on New Testament, Christ-centered teaching. It has helped countless souls achieve real recovery, and continues to do so. Recovery from all kinds of hurts, habits and hang-ups. And don’t think it’s just for drug/alcohol addicts. A larger percentage of people attend are recovering from other things besides drugs or alcohol. I can’t say it will be easy for you. But as they say, “It works if you work it.” There is also a tongue-in-cheek saying, “Try it 6 times, and if you don’t like it, we’ll gladly refund your misery!” God Bless! -Matt

  27. i love this website it helps me a lot thanks mom

  28. yes i will accept the challenge

  29. Well people like cause other people got trouble it not fair or cheat.

  30. I think that people who have high expectations and are very ambitious, will be more prone to lying because it gives them an edge. Sometimes people in business will lie to generate more future income for themselves. There have been reports of dentists recommending (and selling) patients unnecessary treatments. Unfortunately, lying gives the unscrupulous many advantages.

  31. I have to to stop the lying I have to tell the truth if I want my family back I have to do it I just need help with trying to figure out how to is there some kind of medication to help me stop lying I want all the help I can get I want my family back when the love of my life back but as she said I cannot take you back until the lion has stopped please someone help me please

  32. People lie because they want something they do not think they deserve. The main thing they want is love. The next is money. People think if they had more money they will get more love. The sad thing is, even when the money comes whatever love they get is not genuine because the love is given to a liar.
    The solution is to tell the truth ALWAYS.

  33. Everybody lied, but lying have limit. when you cross the line, it become serious and it ruin yours and other life. there are different type of situation in lied. lied to get what they want, lied to be like by others, lied to be accepted by others, lied to cover up trouble. Nothing is perfect, everything has imperfections and have flaws. If it too good to be truth, it probably is. For example, For my situation, I met this perfect girl that i thought was the one. Long story short, I don’t regret that i know her, i am actually happy that i got to spend every moment with her, even though it build up of lied. she lied to my face. i forgive her in my heart. i hope nothing but the best for her in the future. i hope she doesn’t do the same things to other guy she met. I hope she don’t play with others people feeling. I know she doesn’t meant to do it, i’m sure she doesn’t. if she read this, i just like to tell you, that i forgive you for all the things you did. You’d probably think that it’s not all your fault and i could admit that maybe i might have some flaws myself. I just like to say, “I’m sorry” and i hope you have a bright future and find your perfect man. Most importantly, thank you for all the lesson and experience that you taught me, by knowing you, i have learned so much about the world and reality. Thank you again! Best of Luck!

  34. I’m trying to get myself straightened out this column was a great read, it’s almost like a sickness but like most sickness i know it can be cured.

  35. Just leave him, he isn’t worth it I’m still in the seventh grade and if someone I knew lied to me it would be over, do you really think it’s worth sharing a life with someone you can’t even trust? No, it’s not and this goes for everyone here.

    • But then the wife of the liar would be lying too! Didn’t she say on their wedding day that she would love him unconditionally til one of them died? That was my promise. Being a best friend sure is a sacrifice sometimes, very hard work. She just needs to learn how to stop enabling him, while being honest about her part of the wedding vows. I believe in not being a wedding day liar, and being a practical help to those in a difficult marriage. Our great country needs strong families, not more broken homes. We need to teach young people to avoid romance until they find someone with great character, in good timing too, which is when both are already able to be fully independent of parents & lifelong commitment is the immediate goal of the relationship.

      • yes but then sometimes if the relationship is hurting the family or the person she should leave she will still love him but she just doesn’t trust the guy anymore . why would she give up her happiness to keep a guy who is lying to her happy .
        and not everyone is perfect there is a person you love but there are consequences would you actually keep loving they guy who raped your daughter or killed your family or cheated on you repeatedly .
        no so think again about what comment you did we all have opinions but you should also think before you actually say it and marriage is for love and happiness she isint happy so she has an excuse to leave hi and he also said he would love her so then why did he lie if he “loves her”. ?

  36. My ex is a junkie and lied about selling sex

  37. My girlfriend’s two oldest kids lie nonstop. I mean this 100% seriously… The question isn’t do they lie…the question is do they ever tell the truth! Its the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. They literally lie about everything. It’s like they don’t even know the truth, and they are very smart. It’s so strange. They don’t need a reason at all. They will say anything.
    It seems like they can’t be helped. It’s weird. It has to be a disease.

  38. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It is true that compulsive lying is a very real issue. We have a free eBook that goes into more detail about lying, causes and how to help. http://info.thehopeline.com/lying-ebook

  39. Great article. I caught myself letting a lie drop at work, today. I don’t even know how the conversation got to the point that I did it, when the next thing I know, I heard myself saying it out loud. All of a sudden, something I’ve only suspected my new boss was doing, was out in the open, sounding like it was fact. I was absolutely sick to my stomach, the rest of the day. To boot, the person I was talking with, is one of the biggest gossips in our office.
    Back and forth, all day, I had the dialogue going in the my head, as to whether I should just own it, pretend I never said it, or, if asked about it later, have a good backup statement, to the effect that the person I was talking to mis-interpreted what I was saying.
    Really trying to change this behavior. It’s a lot of work.

  40. I’m a husband and father that has a lying problem. It has ruined many relationships. I want to save the marriage I’m in. I love my wife and our children. I see now how my lying has broken our home. I want to be a better man for myself so I can be a better husband for her and a better father for my kids.

  41. You really gota dit down and have a man talk tell them as they grow up look in the mirrior ask themselfs can i respect myself if they cant they wont make it in the world. Well the real world hahaha

  42. I have been lying to the man that I love…it has been little white lies but the last one was much bigger and it hurt him. I didn’t think about it hurting him. I just wanted to avoid a huge fight. But now the fight is even bigger and there is a good chance I will lose him and I don’t want that.
    I want to be completely 100% honest with him

  43. My name is PeterKyleNicolas and I have a drug problem. I have been lying to my parens for ages now. I have also gone to conselors to explain my problem with no long lasting results. I always lie and want help!

  44. We have help available for you 24/7. Chat with a HopeCoach for new solutions and resources to help you – https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/ Chat is free and private. We are here for you!

  45. I’ve lied a lot the past 10 years. I can’t really count a day that I haven’t lied. Today I got in really big trouble for what I had done. I lied to my band director, my parents, my manager at work and my younger brother. This really big trouble is about my work schedule and all it took was one lie to start the chain reaction/web off because I’m so used to it from all the lies I’ve gotten away with over the years. After my parents drove me to all of these places/people I apologized to all of them for doing what I had done. I lost all my trust with all of these people. For every lie you tell 1 million truthful things have to be said back to them and that might not even be enough. It’s really hard to gain trust back. I’m typing this the day this whole ordeal happened and after reading what is on this site I’ve come to realize that life can be so much easier without lieing. I pledge to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.

  46. ‘Everybody lies…’ ? What planet do you live on? I like to think that most people are truthful and honest. I certainly am. ‘How many lies have you told today?’ That’s easy – none. I told none yesterday either. Nor last year, or the year before that. I have nothing to lie about. I do nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. Yet people have lied to me. What I find amazing about liars is that they seem to think that no-one is wise to them. That no-one can tell that they’re lying. It’s really a way of saying, ‘everyone is stupid exept me.’ It’s sad and pathetic behaviour indulged in by cowards and criminals. Not by everyday folks.

    • I can agree with you on this topic, I confronted my neighbour about his lying and he even lied and slandered me to my face while I was trying to be helpful to him, then he threatened me. As you say ‘ they seem to think that no-one can tell that they’re lying ……. indulged in by cowards and criminals.

    • I love it! Said like a true honest person.

  47. My brother lied to me about a family matter. He told me my out of town bother and his wife were coming to a party. It was a very fancy party and I had previously declined the invitation.
    I did not want to go at all. I had many other pressing matters at hand as well.
    It turned out another guest cancelled at the last minute, so they called me at the 11th hour to let me know there was an empty place, even though I had previously declined the formal invitation.
    Well – if he had just said that it would have been one thing. However, I communicated immediately with the other brother who said he had no plans to attend.
    He lied to me to try to persuade me go to the party as it was very expensive and they had already paid for the plate of a DIFFERENT guest that had to cancel at the last minute (he mentioned this person’s inability to attend at the party which, at the last moment I attended.) He went so far as to continue the lie at the party for my “benefit”.
    It was a bald faced lie. I cannot believe my own brother would lie to me about such a thing. This makes me even more disinclined to ever accept any invitation from him ever again.
    We are middle aged people. Lying to spare someone’s feelings is one thing. Lying to manipulate someone into doing something they really do not want to do is another matter.
    I cannot believe my brother lied about this. It was not an urgent matter or anything like that. Just an out and out lie. Would it be so hard to just ask – hey – are you sure you won’t reconsider?
    Lying erodes trust and relationships in general.
    I cannot stand people lying to me or about me. “The dog ate my homework” is something one would expect from a small child, not an adult brother.
    I went to the party – it was nice but an overextension of what I really needed to do. As a caveat to this, I received an email later on that I was added and not “replacing” someone.
    That they just wanted me to change my mind and come.
    This whole story made me feel very uneasy.
    I know we are not perfect humans. One thing I cannot stand is when my intuition is telling me one thing (the truth) and someone else is telling me something else (a deliberately fabricated story.) It makes me feel very ill at ease, to say the least.
    I sent the host an email saying that I was aware of the fabricated story and would appreciate honesty in the future. It is more beneficial for both parties. For some reason certain people think certain little lies are okay. They really are not, especially when they are so transparent. It is no way to build trust.

  48. I have found myself being dishonest and telling lies to my husband…the person I love the most in the world. I am dishonest/lying to him because at the time something happens, I know he is under so much stress and worry that I don’t want to upset or hurt him. By doing that all it does is cause him to not trust me, which I totally understand. The sad part is that I do consider myself to be a good person and I don’t want to be dishonest. It truly breaks my heart to hurt him in this way as he is my best friend and the only man I have ever truly and deeply loved. I just want to stop my nonsense…I have been more honest with him in the last 6 weeks, but I blew it today. I don’t want to lose him😢

  49. Sorry to say this, but most people DO lie. It’s good to hold the belief that there really is good in everyone. Just don’t trust anyone except the people who have earned it.

  50. I am willing to live a lie-free life from now on, I only ever lied to make situations simpler but I notice that the truth is much easier

  51. I got a bad habit of lying when I tell the truth nobody believes me they think it’s a lie cause they say I tell lies all the time it’s hard for them to know I’m telling the truth plz help I want to tell the truth but it comes out with lies plz help

  52. I lie because it feel easier than telling the truth to people I care about. It makes me feel more important than I truly feel about myself. I had been lying to my wife about my career and life goals for nearly 5 years until we got into a fight two days ago. Thinking we were on the same page from a discussion years ago, we stayed together and have gotten married. I lied because I was too afraid to lose her and selfishly hoped I could change her mind later on. And now, I’ve hurt her in such a way that I could see her love for me leave her face as I was finally confessing. Lying has destroyed the only relationship I cherish. I need help to stop this cycle of lying to people I care about. I don’t want to be afraid to tell the truth anymore.

  53. I think you’re lying about so many people being liars.

    • After being frustrated by a new friend (& now former friend) that was actually a true pathological liar, in forced therapy for it & computer addiction & severe laziness, I decided to look at my self to see if I ever lied. Oh no! I do it too! Not as weird of lies, like he did when asking his boss for a day off of work to attend a funeral. True funeral, but when the boss asked who died, common question for showing appropriate compassion, the young man replied “I don’t know the guy’s name.” Well, there 2 things wrong with that lie, one – asking for a day off for a total stranger’s funeral. And two – the guy had the same name as his much older half brother and this young man had even helped at his other half brother’s house with the Dad’s home hospice care those last few weeks! Knew him all his life. Very odd lie. Anyway, I was like, do I lie at all? I was scared to realize that was a big fat YES. New Year’s Resolutions? Same ones these last ten years. Do I go shopping or to the park with the kids or clean a mess every time I say I will do it at a certain time & day? No. Always have great reasons to reschedule? Rarely. “One cookie only today, just one.” Eats two or three….. LIED AGAIN! “I am going to work out for 5 min every day this week.” Looks back on week’s exercise goals….FAIL…LIED AGAIN. “I need this item from the store (more than needing to save $$ for car repairs or next car to reach cash pay goal). Buys nice item and others and eats out too often, so didn’t have cash for next reliable used car a few years later. LIED again. ” I can’t control my thoughts. ” “Sometimes rudeness is the only thing that works.” “I just can’t put up with this anymore, so divorce is what is best for everyone.” “Wishing that I was with someone better is good for me to think during my marriage.” “A child’s temper tantrums are just a phase, he’ll grow out of it.” (Continues neglecting child training responsibilities.) We tell ourselves more lies than to anyone else.

  54. Awsome article! Very informative and eye opening I read this at a time where I needed to and still come back to it!

    • Dillon, Thank you for your encouraging words about our blog. We are here if you ever need to talk.

  55. May i know who wrote the article?

    • Yes, the writer is Dawson McAllister. Here is his bio – “Dawson McAllister is an American speaker, radio host, and author. He is the founder of Dawson McAllister Association and TheHopeLine® and host of the national radio program Dawson McAllister Live, which is aired live on Saturday and Sunday nights.” The call-in radio shows are really powerful – click here to find a station in your area https://www.thehopeline.com/dawsonradio/

  56. I’m committed and you are right it’s harder but it makes you feel better.

  57. When we became friends with someone that we soon realized was a pathological liar, who was also forced to be in therapy for lying & computer addiction, I decided to look at myself really hard. Did I lie too? Hmmmm…well, never as bad as he did, but I was horrified to discover how much I lied. If I said I would get a mess cleaned up by a certain time, but didn’t because I spent that time on Facebook or bills that could have waited, or cleaned a different mess instead, or read a useful book, whatever, then i lied. If I said I’d go to the store at a certain time or day, but procrastinated for no really good reason, I lied. If I said I’d take the kids to the park, but allowed myself & the kids to get caught up in fun or educational YouTube videos and lost track of time, then we couldn’t go…I LIED. People even lie to themself when they use a credit card for car repairs, claiming they had no choice, when the truth was they could have not spent that cash on eating out or non-survival clothing, or gifts, or more expensive processed food & empty calorie snacks & drinks which weren’t even on sale, that unnecessary trip, etc. Most women who say they want to stay home with the kids LIE when they claim they can’t afford to be a full time homemaker. There are more kinds of lies than the most obvious ones.

  58. I had to give my husband perfect peace about my loyalty to him, then give him respect he didn’t deserve, then give him permission to tell the truth without me getting upset. VERY HARD WORK for both of us. We’ve been together 27 years now, and are now happier than most newlyweds. Lying still happens, both of us, but we’re working on eliminating even the tiniest of bad lies. I’ve told the kids of my new total honesty goal. Sweet daughter, 17, called me out on my lie in progress two days ago. I promised to take daughter, 13, shopping for brother’s birthday, but later that day I felt like waiting till the next day instead of going when I said. I had allowed us to get caught up in educational political videos for too long that afternoon, and didn’t want to be gone when Daddy was home. But I had asked for help being honest about what I said I’d do, wanting to be a good example of honesty & hard work ethic, so I went. Didn’t get home til 8:30 which was really hard since I had been up since 4 am with hubby (I help wake him up for work), but I’m so glad I went the same day. I want to be known for honesty & reliability. Old habits die hard. But my self improvements and unconditional respect (& apologies) & irrational loyalty have inspired my husband and kids to improve too. It’s a team effort.

  59. My uncle just died and he was not a good person. Everyone now says, “Ay, bendito”, when I say he was not a good guy. He had his good moments as we all do, and he lied a great deal. He also used and put people down when they turned their back. I this and now I am the bad person who have been ostracized from the family. I don’t get it. I am telling the truth. Why do we do this? Even the neighbors have told me, you watch the minute he dies they are going to say he was a great guy and never did any wrong. I know different! How can I get others to see this. I am sure that they all think I am the worse person in the world. He was a neighbor, I helped him as much as possible, I was the one that took him to the hospital, doctors appointments and cared for him. I did more for him than most others. He never married, he never had kids, he was gay and was the female in his relationships. So why do we humans eulogize and make them out to be what he was not in life? I wish someone would clarify this for me.

  60. I totally agree, I got into so much trouble for lying to my mom about my school work. Now I have to write an 8 paper essay about lying. part of me thinks that they are over reacting, but part of me thinks that this is perfectly soiitibly

  61. yes it is

  62. My fiance & I live with her brother & his boyfriend. The boyfriend has a history of lying about things that have happened at the house.
    1) we had a girls night with 3 other chicks and he went ahead and told my fiance’s mother that there was make up & vomit everywhere and empty bottles of tequila and whiskey all over the place and that he was the only one who cleaned up…
    (there was no make up or bottles or vomit anywhere and we didn’t say that we wouldn’t clean up)
    2) the same day as this girls night, my Fiance & I gave him a couple of bucks (he recently lost his job and was still looking for work…and what happens he tells my Fiance’s mother that we were buying him over because we knew the night would be that bad… (which was utter nonsense as it was a goodwill gesture so he could at least fill up his car to get to interviews)
    3) a couple of weeks ago this same boy & I had a huge fall out! things were literally thrown around and in the process i threw a cup at coffee on the floor (imagine how frustrated a passive person -i.e me- would have to be to do that) while this cup was on its way to the floor Mr. moves straight into the onslaught of the HOT coffee & obviously he gets coffee burned on his knee….. the story he relays to everyone: i pinned him down and poured the HOT coffee over him and he could do nothing but just lay there sand take it…
    this boy has no shame lying to people, he’s quick to tell people his twisted version of what happened and make sure he tarnishes other people’s views of us
    I honestly don’t know what to do with him anymore!
    We’ve confronted him about the Girls night story that he told and he ended up crying and apologizing for lying to my soon to be mother in law and then promises that he would never lie about something regarding us again…. but this clearly wasn’t true….
    any advice would be appreciated

  63. Hey guys, so this is the first time I speak about this publicly but I’ve been lying to my girlfriend practically ever since we met for about a year and a half now about many subjects that range from silly things like playing video games with my guy friends to bigger things such as bumping into an ex-girlfriend and say that she’s just an “old friend”….
    She has caught me lying at numerous occasions whether its about silly things or bigger things and despite me promising her that I would never do it again, here I am still lying.
    I have broken her heart, shattered her trust in me and do not want to see her suffer anymore…
    Why is it so hard for me to just tell her the truth? My own answer to that is that I’m worried that she will get mad and leave me.
    Here’s an example, we were having dinner with some friends about 6 months ago or so then all of a sudden a girl I used to see couple of years back added me on snapchat. My girlfriend saw the name and asked me who that was, I immediately panicked and said she was just an old friend, of course I didn’t accept her and deleted the invite but still panicked and I lied with absolutely no reason to do so! I figured what difference will it make whether I say she s an ex gf or an old friend, they will never actually see each other.
    Well guess what, literally today 2 hours ago we were walking in the park and bumped into her!! I quikcly said hi but didn’t stop to chat and we kept walking along. My girlfriend asked me who that was and I panicked again acting super awkward, obviously my first instinct was to lie and say that she’s just an old friend but she saw right through me and knew I was hiding something. I told her she was someone I used to see couple of years back and when I said her name she remembered that it was that girl that added me 6 months ago… It broke her heart that I had lied to her about not telling her at that time who she was exactly and that I’ve hid this from her all these months…. Sadly this is just one of the few other lies that she’s found out about me and I really don’t want to do this anymore. She has absolutely no trust in me anymore and I desperately want to save our relationship, she means everything to me and she doesn’t deserve to be with a liar. To tell you the truth I was also suffering from an addiction to internet porn which I also lied about to her but after many fights and arguments I’ve decided to do something about it and started reading Noah Church’s book. It’s been extremely helpful and I’ve made some significant improvements, I am now going strong with over 4 months of not watching any porn videos. To be honest I’ve been lying to a lot of people about many things for as long as I can remember but I am now 26 years old and have found the love of my life, I can’t keep going like this, it’s time to put an end to this once and for all.
    I’ve downloaded Dawson’s e-book with hopes of getting some tips on how to better myself and stop lying completely just like stopping porn videos!
    I would really like to hear your comments and suggestions or even share some similar stories and how you overcame your lying addiction… Thanks for taking the time to read this.

  64. What about some one who lies about the stupidest things Then accuse you of being the culprit!! Like swearing you said something you never did or eating something you never ate.or denying that they told you something you know that they did!! What kind of liar is that!!!

  65. Please post. I am losing my mind. Doubting my sanity. Someone who will do something right in your site and then deny it a day at week later and said you are making up this lie!! Has anyone ever been through this?? Email me I am so alone and depression constantly. Thank you and God bless you all

  66. I’m going to try to be lie free…In my head I might have thought negative stuff, but I haven’t told anyone any lies recently 😀

    • Way to go!!! That’s exciting you are making great progress!

  67. who is Lori?

  68. My lying has completley tore my family apart. I am 32 with 4 kids and my husband wants a divorce because I have lied so much!!! I want to be honest and free!!!

  69. I was recently dumped by someone who I was giving severe consideration to marrying, though I swore I never would be the type to marry. it was a solid friendship prior to us getting together, and til 5 days ago not one fight. sadly, the fight had nothing to even do with our relationship….but ended up being the downfall of us. making him doubt that he was in a spot in his life for a relationship….or so I was told. I today was made aware of the fact that he is already trying to set up secret meetings with individuals via b.s. booty call apps. when we had talked last night and he told me he does want to be with me he just needed a little more time. I am unsure of what to do at this point, without being to aggressive or combative. however, we do live together and this has gotten my household in utter disarray. I wanna tell him to leave, for breaking my heart and lying to me….but not just for that either. I have also been the sole provider for my household since prior to him even moving in. why do I feel like I’m a horrible person for wanting my home back? and how do I resolve my dilemma without coming out as the bad guy who got rejected? is any of this even possilble?

  70. i am a Christian and i try to be a devote one but there are two things holding me back. one is lying and the other is lusting, i want to be able to overcome lying and lusting but i’d like to deal with lying because that to me is the tougher one how can i catch myself in a lie before it comes out of my mouth or but not lie at all

  71. who is the author of this post?

    • Dawson McAllister is an American speaker, radio host, and author. He is the founder of Dawson McAllister Association and TheHopeLine® and host of the national radio program Dawson McAllister Live. https://www.thehopeline.com/dawsonradio

  72. I’m up to the life-changing challenge, to commit to a life of honesty and integrity.

    • That is great! You can do it! Here is an additional resource to help you – a free eBook – it has lots of great insight and a worksheet to help you – https://www.thehopeline.com/ebook/lying

  73. I’m in 8th grade and I lie to my mom and dad all the time. I really want to stop!! I want to build there trust in me again.

  74. I’ve been recently in a relationship. Been with my guy for 3 months. Unfortunately i have a troubled past and i have lied to him on several occasions because i was afraid of his reaction and messing up a good thing but now that has completely drive a wedge between us because he has caught me in my lies. I honestly want to change but i need for him to give me a chance to be that person who can be honest and not be afraid. I love that man more than life itself. Any suggestions how i can win him back?

  75. hi there,
    i have lied to my partner now for 5 years
    we met each other on a boat that we both worked on and guess what feel in love.
    i wasnt really looking to get into a relationship but we worked so close with each other it just happened.
    When we met i had nothing.. but lied about i had a house i had money (inherited aswell using my stories to make myself good and feel good that i had something in life…but it was all lies. anyways after 1 seasons of working together i did say i wanted to go to south africa and see the giraffes that i do really love etc and off i went.
    i was introduced to his whole family and friends i loved it there and i guess that my lies were so true to me i carried on telling the same story.from that moment i knew i was stuck and too scared to turn back.
    after the holiday i went back to the same boat that we worked on and he would arrive 2 months later from south africa.
    i was in love thats not a lie that may sound hard to believe but i was.
    anyways he arrived back to the boat and i was so happy to see him i couldnt let him out o my site.
    after 1 week and being all intiem and missing each other i felt something was wrong he was very distance about me and showed me that he was pissed off but i didnt ask further.
    As we all know the new generation is all on their mobile phones ..so i became suspisious about him we argued about work, about alot of things which i clearly didnt understand why?
    After 3 weeks i mentioned i had like a urine infection well thats how it felt at the time but as we have to do a medical for working on boats we both went together.
    So off we went as normal we have to give our urine to the doctor…she was dutch very direct and straight forward she got my urine and said “you need to sort yourself out down there” so you need to see a gynacologist i was like excuse me? yes you have a Urine infection i said i have a steady relationship what are on about???
    then my partner went in same said the same thing to him!!!
    after all that we went out for dinner for my birthday that was coming up!!!
    SO the next day i go to all these test and it wasnt good
    and that i have a STD my partner made me think it was me!!! i was sooo mad we nearly killed kind of then..but we were in war with each other for so long that we became abusive to each other i landed up having a black eye and i scratched his face.
    not a pretty site at all. but i believed him he didnt sleep with anyone he said he loved me he said.
    anyway down the line alot happened..i also fell preggies..omg what next
    but i told him and sooner or later i had a abortion as i said we were not ready now im 43 he is 35 i was ready but couldnt put a child on this earth knowing i have no where to go or money to support.so i had to get rid of it.
    short after that he wanted to buy a house he had funds and because of all the lies i said ” i wanted to invest South Africa” i tried to make it happen but didnt have enough money..and thats where i brought him and his family into a finaciel problem and myself.
    so my lies caught up with me and now im on my own trying to wake up out it and be honest with myself…
    i really truly loved him and i blew it up myself..
    and top it all off as i came clean he only told me that day later that he did cheat on me and it wasnt me who was the carrier it was him it was his mistake
    for giving me a STD
    pfffff its so crap that 2 people love each other but i think it was more about money that i didnt have that was more important then me.
    but i lied and i know that.

  76. I have been the victim of so many lies, I now no longer believe anybody. If somebody tells me it is sunny outside, I go to the window to see for myself.
    Was once doing something for a class and I needed somebody to help me with photos for it. I asked people if they could help. They said they would…and then left me hanging. One person even offered to help…without me asking her and then reneged on her promise. If they had just said “no” from the get-go, fine, Instead I got strung along.
    I now avoid people because of this. I cannot risk getting screwed over again.

  77. Am a victim of a lie.I found this man in Nairobi who claimed to love me but instead he was just using me for financial benefit.I really loved this man although he had no job but I supported him to see him somewhere in life.unfortunately I found out the truth when the man has already robbed me all my money and he even brought my business to bankrupt. This really affected me and I will never love again.

  78. Hello dear,
    I have read through the message in this bloc.
    I have come to realize that lying is so difficult for me to put away completely because of fear. I never had the slightest reason for me telling lies until after reading this bloc. FEAR has always been my problem. I always wants to speak the truth, but because of fear, I sometimes find myself telling lies to almost, everyone that I have contacts with. I hate to lie but I always find myself doing it.
    I am prepared now to quit lying and all its members, deceit, falsehood etc. I am ready to commit to a life of honesty and integrity.

    • Hello Theresa,
      You are right, fear is a huge motivator to lie in situations that you don’t feel comfortable telling the truth. If you haven’t had a chance we recommend you download our free eBook on lying. It has helped many recognize the problem they have with lying and what they can do to stop. This is recent feedback we received on the eBook. “i didnt realise how addicted i was to lying , and the stress lying causes. and harm to others. thank you for starting me on a better path” You can download the eBook here: https://www.thehopeline.com/ebook/lying/ With resources, help and accountability you can overcome the need to lie.

  79. i have HIV because of my girlfriend

    • im so srry

  80. I never lied to everyone but sometime I did

  81. I use to lie alot, it was easier but soon realized that it was not easier j was more stressed looking over my shoulder alot making sure j remembered my lie incase it ever came up again and if I was caught I felt awful and hurt people so I told myself I would never lie again so here i am hoping I won’t get lied to either there is no point in lying

  82. I don’t know why I lie. I’m making a commitment to myself to not lie anymore. I’ve screwed up the bed relationship I’ve ever had by not being honest. A lot of what you said makes sense, but I don’t identify with all of it. I never intended to manipulate my partner. I think, no, I know that I lied to avoid judgement. I don’t believe I am a pathological liar, but it’s safe to say I’m an habitual liar. Thank you for your time.

    • I have lost a good job because I felt hurt by the truth so I lied because that hurt was personally to me.
      I was in my office stairwell when 3 police officers started questioning me why I was there. Although I had my ID on me I was questioned like a criminal. As I walked away feeling violated the woman police officer shouted ‘ It’s not because your black’!!
      Thinking of it later she was so racist she saw past my uniform and ID and only saw the colour of my skin.
      Soon I was questioned by my supervisors and I just said it wasn’t me. Because The police officer then sent a email saying that was a burglar in the building posing as a worker.
      Instead of saying the truth I lied because I didn’t think they would feel it was racial and was ashamed to be put in that position by the police. I also felt that I would make waves at work which may cost me my job because I was agency. I wanted so badly to tell the truth but when I was approached the second time about it. But I didn’t want to look stupid and seen as a lier. I also felt that because I never done anything wrong it would just go away. But it didn’t it just grew until I could not control it anymore. My fear was loosing my job and not having the finance to aid my son at university. That fear has come true. Thinking back I should of covered my back and called my supervisor straight away and let the dices roll. Since I was innocent. But I just wanted to deny to myself that confrontation did not happen. I will now set a plan to regain another job with the agency and think about the negative things the job I lost had. Fortunately I told the agency the truth and thy sympathies.
      The fear of losing a job has always made me lose jobs.
      I still at 45 don’t know why….

  83. I lie when I’m scared. I speak with a shaky voice, shaky hands, and sometimes with full red hot face. I give myself away, yet I’m too scared to tell the whole truth. I understand what I’ve done wrong and feel guilty, but I can’t forget or forgive myself even if the person I’ve lied to forgets and forgives. It makes my life even harder than it is since I have anixety and depression and often hate myself. I know people don’t like me and my lying doesn’t help. Yet it makes my life more bearable. It’s a complicated vice.

  84. I lie to my parents all the time and it kills me. Im only so young and I have been lying for 4 years. Its hard to tell the truth sometimes but its the right thing to do. As someone who still lies I know the pain and guilt. It hurts like a bruse that never leaves. A scar on your reputation. I really need to stop, because things are getting bad for me. I really want to stop! But I dont know how.

    • Me too, I have to stop, It’s ruining my life and reputation… When I lie, my lies get bigger and bigger. The lies just flow through my body and out my mouth. Even when it’s the simplest questions. It’s hard for me, I’m already named as a liar and I feel so bad. I hate lying to my parents but I have to, I’m scared of punishment and now, my parents don’t trust me.

  85. I severely lied to my wife for years. One small lie grew to one massive one. I feel lost. I do feel a relief that the lying is over, but I have to accept the consequences of losing the best woman I ever knew. Unfortunately, my lies affected my family. I don’t know what to do know. I feel like I can’t accept the pain that I have caused her. The pain is unbearable for her. I feel like my entire life, I have screwed things up.

    • Jason,
      You are not alone in this boat. I lied to my girlfriend. The lies were always over the same thing. I think I lied because I felt she wouldn’t understand if I told her the truth and I didn’t want to deal with the disapproval that the truth would bring. I at times feel like I’m not in control of my life. I felt like if I was always open and honest that she wouldn’t be happy and would leave me. Yes, I have a constant fear that those I love will leave. Lying was maybe my way of controlling things. But really all it did was drive her away. Pretty much a self fulfilling proficiency.

  86. A man in my small town who is on the boards of multiple organizations and respected by many,is in the habit of lying to me often, and tries to get others to believe him over me when I challenge him on issues relevant to our community. I have a hard time knowing that he can persuade others to believe him, and in the process, make them look down at me. I have a hard time believing that he sees me as a threat, as if I might have the power to unmask him.It really bothers me because he lies on social media on the sites that our small townspeople read. Do I have any recourse or do I just have to eat it?

  87. I respect that you’ve shed some light on this topic, but some things are really just misunderstood.. first off, I am 100% a pathological liar. I’ve known it my whole life, and I’ve tried to change it. You really can’t. It’s not just an addiction. It starts to become a way of life. I lie about anything and everything because I can. I manipulate for reasons that even I don’t understand. Of course I keep track of all my lies, but at this point, that has become as routine as breathing and thinking. It’s just another function. It can also be stressful, but for the most part I genuinely enjoy it. I enjoy hearing what random nonsense will come out of my mouth when someone asks me a question, because I honestly won’t know what to expect. Lies flow thru me like blood. I can’t control it, and if I did, it would practically require a rewire of my brain. Sometimes I wish that I would just tell the truth, especially in situations like job interviews, funerals, ect, but again, it’s not a choice anymore. I hate the truth. I will always run from it and I will never back down from a lie. Whenever someone does get the truth out of me, I feel helpless and defeated. And that leads to a whole different train manipulation and Fabrications to rebuild my self esteem. It is what it is, just don’t hate us. We already hate ourselves enough. Try to be sympathetic.

    • As someone who has shown empathy to a chronic liar, giving them understanding and time to TRY and learn new patterns and habits, I say this – you must be joking. You feel bad about yourself because you treat people badly. You hurt people. You disrespect, manipulate, and deceive the people who give you love, patience and support. You are abusive. Feeling bad for abusers is what traps empathic people in toxic, abusive relationships.
      People know you’re lying and once they get past the hurt and anger, they think you’re pathetic. They have contempt for you. They talk about you between themselves. People you see regularly know you are a fraud. Never forget that. In my experience, most people don’t call out a lie, they entertain you politely while waiting for a moment to change the subject or leave the conversation.

  88. For me, most of the lies I told were because of my insecurity. I would often lie about things that didn’t matter, such as where I was born, my birthday, what church my family attended, how many siblings I had, what TV shows I liked, etc. I have gotten less insecure over the years so I am not lying about things like that as much but I will give you an example that happened just now. I have a habit of googling people’s names to find out info on them. I googled the name of an old family friend of ours that I handnt seen in many years and found out she died last summer. I told my mom she died and she asked me how I found out. I didn’t want her to think I was an online stalker so I told her someone else told me. Of course, my mother hasn’t seen this person in over 20 years and its highly unlikely they will see each other anytime soon so I am not co concerned my mother will find out I lied to her but I know I did and I feel terribly about it. To me, lying to my mother is worse than lying to others. The other thing I had a tendency to do was lie about people when they made me angry in order to make them look worse than they really were. This was especially true at work. As anyone who has ever worked in customer service knows, you deal with a lot of jerks. Most times, I could handle them but some just really got under my skin and when they did, I would tell my coworkers they said all these horrible things. Sometimes it was so extreme, my coworkers would question if I was making it up, which I was. I don’t do that much anymore as I have learned not to let people get to me. Finally, I often lied to make people jealous of me such as lying about going on an expensive vacation or I would find a really nice car online and tell people I was buying it. That also goes back to insecurity. Although people do lie to manipulate others or to cover up a dirty deed, most of us lie habitually because we feel insecure and a lie in the moment helps us escape the insecurity. If you learn to love yourself and accept reality as it is, not as you would like it to be, you will find that you lie far less. It’s an ongoing process. I don’t think anyone tells the truth 100% of the time. Men, if your wife asks you if she is getting fat, I don’t think many of you would say yes even if you think she is getting fat. But if we can decrease the lies, we feel better about ourselves.

  89. I lied to my wife because If I told the truth I would get a ration of crap, and I did not want to hear it. I said I would take care of the problem in which I did but she would not leave it alone. So now I dont tell her anything lie or truth. I just tell her non of you busi ess

  90. Recently I find out that my mother was a liar, I feel depressed from it. I always was so close to her; however, I knew that she was manipulating me about life decisions. But I never knew that she was lying so much about everything. She was lying about things that was important or not important. She was just so sure that I will never find out. She did died of cancer, and I started talking to my cousin who I really saw like couple times in life. Now I am finding out how much she was lying. It is crazy, so eye opening, and I am disgusted with her after her life. So sad, my cousin is always using the exact words and terms what my mother said. My mother had her own language like terms. Lying is disgusting, so sad.

  91. Especially most of the women today that are the biggest cheaters of them all. Been there.

  92. I’m s compulsive liar, it’s destroying me, my life and the people around me I find myself lying about everything. Please help me change!

    • the one who knows which disease i am suffering from can easily be treated the disease you are suffering from can be treated by you LIKE writing your lies on daily basis on a piece of paper TO ME that is the only way through which it can be treated well. THANKS

  93. I Lie a lot …even when it is unnecessary ..my boyfriend hates lies and I always lie to him…it’s destroying us …please help me …I love him very much and I’m about to lose him …I lie to protect myself …I lie to avoid arguments and endless fights …please help me.

  94. i make up stories about sleeping with other men to my husband and then feel guilty about the lie that i tell him the truth that i lied to hurt him. i have done this many times and now he doesnt know which way is up and i dont know how to get back to good. i have felt cornered when i have lied to him. other people outside of our relationship have told him that i am a liar, only becuz i have lied to them at one point of my life. i was a drug user and i didnt care if i hurt people or lied to anyone. this was before i met my husband, so people of my past believe me to be the same person. and the first time i told my husband that i slept with another person when i didnt. i told him i did becuz we had broken up early in our realtionship and i knew that would be the one thing to really hurt him. so i made up a story about me sleeping with someone else to hurt him and put images in his head. when it came down to it i told him the truth that i lied. i made up a story that i slept with someone else to hurt him. he didnt believe me. and i have done the same thing many times over and over. make up a story, tell him its true, then weeks later or days later tell him i made it up and it wasnt true. so now we are in the place that i have made that i feel like there is no return. im terrified of losing him. he is my soulmate and best friend. he has been there for me through 7 years of me lying to him about sleeping with people when in reality i didnt. i am now telling him the entire truth and every lie i have told but he believes that in every lie there is still some truth. so of course he doesnt believe me and he is going to leave me. i dont know how to let him know that i am telling the truth now except a lie detector test. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

  95. I am a compulsive liar. I imagine I am good at lying because many of my most dangerous secrets remain undiscovered or revealed to my wife. However, I do often get caught in lies, and the effect on my marriage is corrosive. My wife is devastated when she catches me in a lie, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential that fib may be. I hurt her and I hurt myself, but I continue to lie. I like being in control, even at the expense of my wife’s happiness and security. The fact is I get away with far more deceptions than get caught for them. I also know my wife will forgive me eventually, so I really pay small consequences for my behavior, especially as getting caught in a selfish fib is less damaging than getting caught for a really serious lie. Part of me actually enjoys the thrill of getting away with some misdeed, even a small, petty one. It’s like a game, the rules of which leave me in control. I want to stop lying, but I also do not want to tell the truth about everything in the past. So feel I trapped because if I tell the truth for every minute for the rest of my life, I can not tell the truth about the past. So I will still be a liar even if I tell the truth because I am covering up and sustaining lies. It is a dilemma.

  96. I’ve lied for years either to hide addiction, please people or because I didn’t think I was good enough. Starting today I want to stop and work on living an honest life with my family, friends and most important myself.

  97. I’m a compulsive liar, who consistently lies to good wife for varies reasons and want to commit to a life of honesty and integrity.

  98. I have to admit I am a compulsive liar… all I can seem to do is hurt the love of my life not giving her the truth even if it’s staring her in her face. We have been together for over 20 years and it was a issue before we got married. I don’t understand why I can’t get it thru me head that if I was to just say what I’ve done it would be simpler than what I have put her through for the length of our relationship. I wish there was a way to silence the moron in my head and stop it from doing the things I don’t even like. I honestly get no pleasure from it, lie or the pain it inflicts… all it does it tear me up seeing the pain I put her through! It helps a little that I see that I’m not the only human being with this dilemma. I really want answers but don’t know how to get them, I really don’t wanna lose her but I don’t know if there’s still a chance to correct my wrongs… even when we had a big talk about past things I somehow still put lies into what we were trying to mend. I use to think of myself a hopeless romantic when I was younger, but now as a adult I consider myself moronic idiot. If there’s help for that let me know.

  99. I’ve been lying for a long time and get away with it it’s only now that I realise I’m addicted ….the concequenes are out…I need help I want to live an honest life

    • I’ve been lying for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a family that had spun a web of lies around everyone that came around. I got so used to the idea of just telling lies that telling a lie became second nature to me. Lying to me seems just as easy if not easier to tell than the truth. I have been married for nearly 5 years and my wife, bless her, has stuck with me this entire time even when we fought about my lies and how they have been hurting her. I don’t want to be this type of person any longer, I want to be a truthful person. As I write this i came to realize that i really have no idea where to start. I’ve lied so many times to so many different people that idk where i can start.

  100. I have been lying since a really really long time. Because of this i brokeup recently like a week ago and it all happened because i lie constantly, and i just cant get over it even though i dont wanna lie i dont know why i lie. I wanna improve myself so that people stop calling me a liar and start to trust me again cuz i have already destroyed much of my life because of lying, but now i want to enjoy every moment but just with honesty and i wanna run away from lies. I need help.

  101. I have been lying for a long time, hiding every little thing i do wrong, its destroying my relationships with family, i hate myself everytime i tell a lie, yet i still find myself doing it. It gets to a point that no matter how many times i have been found out (which is a lot by now), i still keep telling my family that will not do it again, yet hide the same thing the next day. Whats worse is that i keep convincing myself that what im doing is okay, and coming up with excuses to justify my lying, i have realized that it is time to stop and really am going to change, time to break free from all of that pain and guilt, time to be honest.

  102. I do not no how to stop lying.

  103. i want to learn how to stop lying. i want to do the honesty challenge.

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