I want to answer a couple of questions I’ve been asked recently about why girls sometimes dress provocatively and also about how guys sometimes brag about the girls they are with. Both are touchy subjects, but I hope that in the process of honestly answering these questions we will all learn what it means to relate to each other in a healthy way. I hope my answers will help give you more self-love and confidence.
Here was the first question from Michael:
This is a difficult question with many sides to it. One part of the answer is that some girls feel confident if they receive attention for the way they dress. It’s nice to be noticed. Often girls even dress to impress other girls, maybe even more than guys. But for many girls it’s even more important to fit in. Many young women feel it is social suicide to try to stick out in the crowd or wear something no one else is wearing. So, if all the girls are dressing in short skirts and low-cut shirts, they better do it as well, they think. Sometimes the styles may be more provocative than a girl feels comfortable wearing, but due to peer pressure, she will wear it anyway.
Some girls might not even realize that how they are dressing can affect guys. Don’t get me wrong, some girls know exactly what they are doing, but some are just wearing what they think looks good. Since guys are sexually driven by what they see, it becomes easy for them to objectify women based on how they are dressed, but that doesn’t make it right.
So please know ladies that what you wear often sends a message…whether you intend it to or not. If you are flaunting your body, guys will be tempted to come after your body. However, if you advertise who you are on the inside, with such traits as kindness, gentleness, sensitivity, great personality, etc., they will be drawn to you for that.
Guys, it is important to realize most women want to be loved and respected for who they are on the inside. It’s just the lies of the culture regarding how best to attract men confuses things. As a guy, when you compliment a girl, you have an opportunity to tell her she’s beautiful, without expectations on what her response should be. Women often want to be thought of as beautiful, but they don’t want to be disrespected. That’s a fine line, but I believe it’s possible for mature guys to walk that line.
The next question is also complicated, and it is from Tiana:
Unfortunately, some guys do like to talk to other guys about their sexual conquests. I think this often comes out of deep insecurity and a desire to impress other guys. It’s a competition thing. If one guy has more success with women than others, his ranking in the group goes higher. That is why there is not only bragging, but exaggerating, and even downright lies about their experiences with women. When this happens, it shows a guy’s immaturity and lack of respect for the opposite sex. These particular guys are working hard to develop a reputation as a macho guy. Watch out for these guys because they are more concerned about themselves than the girl they are with. Don’t lose heart, there are good guys out there who don’t behave in this way.
This kind of bragging is certainly not done to impress other women, as women are usually completely turned off by the idea of a guy talking about what he did with other women. Women respect a man more who can keep silent about what happens in private. Real manliness is when a guy fights to protect a women’s reputation and feelings. Little boys like to exaggerate. Real men who are confident and secure don’t have to brag to feel good about themselves.
It seems like the bad guys get all the good girls. Why does this happen? There are several different reasons for this to happen.
Joshua says:
Hi Mr. McAllister
What I’m wondering is a addictive to how women dress provocatively.
What I want to know is why do women dress proactively when they go out despite being in a relationship? To me dressing up in such a manner means you want attention from other men, and it’s like advertising merchandise that already taken. Do they not see it as disrespectful and hurtful to their partner to see them dress in such a manner knowing that would have men look at them in a sexual manner while their not their ?
Debbie says:
No, it doesn’t mean they want attention from other man. They want attention from a particular men. It can be the one they are with, or a particular one they are after. It can also be that they feel good dressing sexy or to show other women. If its for you Joshua, you will know by the way she looks and smiles at you.
Justin Pool says:
Men are visual. For a woman to dress in provocative clothing is hurtful to a man, as they recognize men may look at their wife/significant other. I desire my wife dress modestly. The ida that women only want the attention of their one man may be true, but those women are ignorant of how men work – we are visual (and definitely value internal, personal qualities – heart, etc.). I desire a woman whom dresses modestly. She is to be mine, and for no other man.
Hermione says:
Women and girls are not your property, your wife belongs to herself not to you or anyone else. Believe it or not women and girls have more important things to think about in our lives than men and what men do or do not find attractive. If you don’t like other people’s clothing choice you don’t have to look at them.
Jeffrey Grimes says:
That’s a crock. You’re dressing that way in public, in front of your significant other, (Note IN PUBLIC) is the same thing as your man ogling another woman other than you.
Hermione says:
The word “merchandise” here is deeply offensive. Women and girls are not merchandise or property of any kind, we are people. Also not everything in our lives revolves around men and relationships, sometimes clothes are just fashion or we liked the colour, and funnily enough have more important things in our lives to think about, such as careers and education, than “being attractive” or some random stranger’s opinion of our clothing choice.
Megan says:
to get a guys attention
John Boston says:
Sprayed-on leggings and compression pants,, short sweaters and jackets that do not quite cover the…then, when the season changes, short-shorts, skirts like wide belts, low necklines, “strappy” tops, low-riding jeans, especially with those adorable tears in the legs, cheerleader uniforms, and need I mention revealing yoga wear?
I have read and personally heard every single argument against men ogling women- the “perv” argument (how is obeying nature “perverted”?)- the “objectifying” argument (I *never* consider women as objects; more often, I have been inclined to treat them as goddesses, to my grief)- the “addiction” argument (I am not addicted to anything, *clinically*, and that is the only definition i accept)- the “hurting your partner’s feelings” argument (I have made a covenant with my one good eye, and with my wife, not to ogle anyone in her presence)- and lastly the “angry boyfriend/ dad/ mom” argument (the law is on *my* side, and if anyone tries anything physical, I will give them a Mace face and/or a shellacking; and again the law will back me. My self-defense trumps their self-righteousness).
Having considered all the erroneous, morally-pretentious arguments against ogling women, and I definitely include young women (yes, even those teenage cheerleaders in Jacksonville, whose middleage female chaperone gave me a self-righteus stare), I keep coming back to the same statement. I will keep this statement with me unless and until I discover some new and contradictory evidence (something along the lines of natural selection of favored races *not* being the origin of species). *I shall ogle women all I want,with my two decades of life and my one eye; Just as long as women keep dressing for the eye, they will, by the Web of Life, get mine!*
bbromery says:
Debbie, but wouldn’t you rather a man be attracted to your mind…Your goods should be for his eyes only and not for everyones eyes, but, in private especially if you don’t want a man to lust for your body..You don’t have to dress like a nun, but not a food dish either…If that’s the case, that would be the only thing he would attracted too
Justin Pool says:
I appreciate your response; it is relief to hear your words depicting a woman whom is attractive in heart, mind, spirit, and whom only shares herself physically (visually included) with her husband (though you said “man”).
Abhilasha says:
Yupppp
Hermione says:
A female body is not “goods” and incase you missed the memo of the last century or two, women are not property we are citizens of this country. The sexualisation of female bodies is the problem here, not what a woman or girl is wearing.
Hermione says:
The word “goods” in this context is deeply offensive. Referring to a woman as a “food dish” is incredibly creepy and gross too. Women are not “goods” we are people, with human rights. Women haven’t been the property of men for hundreds of years incase you’ve forgotten.
Jeffrey Grimes says:
So what about these women that play the hypocrite? Why do they get mad at the men they attract, when they KNOW how they are dressing because “They’re proud of their bodies?” Then they say that only the MEN are in the wrong?
Akiko Fujishima says:
You’re blaming a person for their clothes though.. How do you not see the lunacy in that? lol! Men can walk around in shorts and absolutely NOTHING else, and no one says it’s provocative, and they don’t blame his clothing for his bad woman, but a woman shows a bit of cleavage and it’s her fault men lose their minds and she has a crappy guy? OK.. lol.
Daniel Hayes says:
We need to be careful with that kind of talk. A man wearing only shorts would not be provocative in most settings because he is a man. A woman doing the same would certainly be provocative because she is a woman – it’s not gender appropriate to do so. A man is a man. A woman is a woman. There is a profound difference, so we need to not confuse the two.
It goes the other way too. It is rarely appropriate for a man to wear a dress or halter top – these are simply not gender appropriate clothing choices.
Hermione says:
What a load of sexist b*******. Akiko Fujishima is right. We AREN’T IN THE DARK AGES ANYMORE. People should be able to wear shorts to keep cool in hot weather. That’s right. PEOPLE not just the XY chromosome ones.
Hermione says:
Well said Akiko Fujishima, women being held responsible for men’s lousy behaviour is ridiculous.
Some of the attitudes on here are blatantly misogynistic and right out of the Dark Ages.
Kenneth E. Fraser says:
They are attractive and they don’t want to hide that light under a bushel. Their right to dress as they choose should not be infringed by the predatory actions of men and boys.
NaturalMalfunction says:
I especially hate it when women buy provocative clothes to eachother. Like they basically encourage eachother to be provocative. Which isn’t good. And women should feel confident with the way they look like, without showing their skin off so much and without revealing and giving association to their inappropriate parts. Yet see it because of a regular thing, because society encourages them to do so by doing the same thing. And they fall into a shameful coil. Is it possible to stop that? And is it beneficial to stop that for female gender?
Hermione says:
Where did you learn such outrageously sexist attitudes? What women do, or don’t do, is absolutely none of your business.
Anonymous says:
Hermione, what about the women who don’t want to dress provocatively, but are pressured by society to do so? The internet and the media constantly push the belief that women must dress provocatively in order to be of any worth, as if their bodies, not their minds and hearts, are their best asset. I believe it would be healthy, not oppressive, to encourage women to cover their bodies and instead reveal their personalities, their kindness and intelligence.
James says:
Omg all you people are gullible! Male and female alike, almost silly.
Firstly women who dress revealing clothing like attention, gives them power whether single or not. Personally I would rather want appreciation for my mind not how I look. Girls should be raised to be appreciated for what their body does, not look like. Men can complain about it but unfortunately they like it so complaining won’t do much, put a sock in it.
Women stop complaining about getting attention from the wrong person, do you like being overly picky about who likes it? It’s a free world so do what you like, I encourage it! But you are what you dress, fact! Don’t complain. Ever heard the saying don’t leave your wallet in a car with the window down….do we say “hey thieves pls don’t steal” no! we say “don’t leave it there due to temptation of thieves” same thing, you dress how you do you will get certain attention Simple! Can’t change that.
Blah blah if a man wore next to nothing he doesn’t get cat called…. Are you being stupid! The reason why is because women find it too embarrassing to cat call men in the first place, that’s your problem for feeling that way. When women dress sexy umm men like it, blame evolution! Or how about we rewire the biology of all males on the planet to stop them from perving…..nothing to do with disrespect.
Men if you want to appreciate a womans asthetics you dont go all ape and act like a rapist. You simply say “wow you are beautiful” not act like a vulcher.
It’s funny when women say they are being sexualised when they like theattention themselves, how does that make sense! Oh that’s right that excuse “women are complicated” pops up again.
Shut up! Lol
trevor says:
I am an 18 year old guy who is a senior at a catholic high school.The girls wear their uniform skirts well above their knees to midthigh length and act provacitive around us guys.After school,many of the sophomore and junior girls,as well as a few senior girls unbutton the top two or three buttons of their white blouses and sit around outside in small groups talking and acting slutty around the boys!Since their uniform skirts are short,their underwear can be seen and they do this on purpose.Our parish that is connected with our school does confirmation at 16 and in 10th grade and the boys wear a dark colored suit and tie and the girls wear a white,poofy,short sleeve,floor length dress with a veil,white tights and white mary jane style shoes.Like their First Holy Communion dresses,their confirmation dresses are considered an extension of their baptism outfit they were baptized in as babies,so to represent the ‘purity’ of their baptisms,they wear a white under shirt as their top and a cloth diaper and plastic pants under their tights.What is so ironic is that even tho these sophomore girls are dressed in the white outfits,they still act provacitive and slutty! I have both seen and heard of some of these girls after the confirmation mass sneak of with either their boyfriends or another boy to a secluded spot and get down on their knees and give their boyfriend or boy oral sex! Since i was a freshman,i have seen and heard this many times and last year when i was a junior,one of the confirmation girls even wanted me to go off with her to a secluded place and give me oral sex in which i refused,so she got another guy to do it with!I just cant believe some of these girls,in their white outfits with the cloth diaper and plastic pants on under their tights and representing the purity of their baptisms,would do something like this! I dont know what these girls are thinking or if they are out to prove a point or not,but i guess it might be the way i feel.
ohfrock says:
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Hermione says:
This kind of medieval attitude is sexualising women’s and girl’s bodies, women’s and girl’s arms, legs, shoulders, faces, hair, are not inherently sexual and men’s feelings about it are not our problem. Centuries of patriarchal oppression and recently, highly-sexualised images of female bodies in advertising have caused the harm, not a PERSON wearing shorts on a hot day (women are people, unless you missed that memo in the last century or two). If you can’t handle seeing a woman or girl’s knees or shoulders you need psychiatric help and probably should be locked away for public safety. Women are not responsible for creepers and rapists whatever we are wearing, the only person responsible for rape is the rapist. Also anyone who tries to touch me is getting their a** kicked, I have no time for misogynist bull****.
KERRY EDMUND MURPHY says:
Hermione, my guess is that your attack against positions held by no one will successfully change their positions. In the meanwhile your toughness and virtue in standing up against these nonexistent people and their nonexistent opinions is duly noted.
Taylor says:
Kerry, the way you replied to Hermione wasn’t really nice, but more of a way to undermine her. Instead of trying to put her experience down, why not try to understand where she’s coming from? She’s a female, you are not, so she will obviously know more about the experience of girls than you. It is very well true that sexualizing women has lead to people assuming that dressing in shorts and such is “provocative”. In reality, girls dress the way they dress to express themselves and to dress comfortably. When guys wear shorts, it is seen as normal, but when girls wear shorts, whether low cut or longer, they are seen as sexual. You really don’t see a problem with that? Girls should be able to wear what they want without people telling them that they are too sexualized or provocative. In the end, your opinions are your opinion, but the fact is that you cannot preach that these opinions are “nonexistent” because that is blatant ignorant. If you really expect people to believe that girls have not been sexualized, then are you speaking subjectively or objectively? Keep your personal opinions out of these debates, and take all facts into consideration before tearing another person down.
Ken says:
WELL SAID.
If you are a fence post!😂
Rich says:
Dear Dawson,
Awesome article. I see that you nailed it with the deep insecurities about young women dressing provocatively due to the false culture of attracting men. It is clear that your stance is to be empathetic and understanding with these young women and to support and strengthen them during these confused times.
I guess as some feedback regarding guys bragging about sex, empathy and support must be shown for them too but you don’t seem to talk about that. They too do this for validation, facing huge pressure and insecurities hence acting this way. Your stance seems more to simply say they are immature, disrespectful where young women need to stay away from them. How is that a positive approach. They need to be supported, taught and understood that bragging does not provide respect from the opposite sex, that it isnt healthy and wont provide them with the deep connection they deserve or happiness.
Just my thoughts
Nadun Dissanayake says:
Totally agree. Where’s the sympathy for the males???
minnie says:
i always dress for me i do wear a little outfit .very smart, write poems and was married at 25 but those who chose to think you dress that way you outa to be treated that way. you are sex.i carry mace and tell guys off all the time i chose respect that’s why i got a ring . i resect myself. i grew up having two good parnets who taught thier dauther to have self resect and i do.
jane says:
Insecurity masquerading as confidence.
Jeff Singer says:
Thank you for writing this informative article. I can tell that the author has diligently showed both sides of the argument. However, as a person who was a sociology major, who’s had a lot of psychology related training on both men and women’s relationships issues, I’d like to challenge the author on a couple points. Yes, women do compete with other women when dressing provocatively. Yes they feel peer pressure to stay up on current fashion trends. Fashion is even male dominated and feeds a very unrealistic message that women are to be desired as beautiful trophies. However, men have the same expectations through advertising and societal norms. Locker room talk and conquest bragging are the exact same pressures men face to belong . It largely boils down to the consequence of advertising and consumerism more than a fault of either sex. We need to strive to be better on both sides. Women should be taught that there are consequences for dressing provocatively as it will attract predatory advances. It’s common sense to say that men shouldn’t harass or assault women based on the way that they dress, but let’s be realistic here. Men are naturally visually stimulated and lots of women take full advantage of their sex appeal to gain attention and power, just as men use social status, money, and fake grooming techniques towards women to gain sexual favors. But I contend that these are not representative of the vast majority on both sides. There will always be predatory men and women. You have to start taking personal responsibility for your actions, despite the status quo. People need to strive to be critical thinkers and really dive down into the issues they are challenging. Simply saying I should dress as i chose with no consequences is naive and entitled. Just as saying locker room talk or objectifying women is ok is the same hypocrisy. We can fix these issues when we, as a society, start valuing deep meaningful relationships over our own egocentric attitudes. We need to boycott trash tv like the bachelor and boycott fashion and magazines that promotes objectification of women. Mostly though we need to stop playing the victim and start taking personal responsibility for what we can control, our own actions.
Reality check says:
Hey man, ok I’m not entirely against your comment, but come on…you’re being contradicting. Say it like it is since you can’t have it both ways. Reason and logic WILL NOT prevail here, why? Because women are generally emotional thinkers and look for consensus. This is the opposite of critical thinking. It will NEVER happen. Unless you want women to be men, then yeah sure, but I for one don’t want to be with anyone long term that doesn’t have female traits that are attractive. I have male friends for that. Women and Men compliment each other, they aren’t on the same page or on the same planet metaphorically speaking. That’s a good thing. Do you have any women as your best friend? I’m going to venture it’s a no. Why is that? (Rhetorical) women and men are attracted to different things for a reason. Men objectify and women also objectify… both for different things when it comes to pair bonding, however, initial attraction starts in the primitive brain. Have you ever looked at a woman and said, hmmm I wonder if she believes in the Red Cross? I have to have her if so. Haha, so dude oh don’t. I know all guys ALL in their mind have the bells and whistles going off for a good looking woman. Before any other thing or reaction. Is unconscious bias and unconscious objectification!! You cannot stop it or change it. Otherwise, we are doomed. I personally could give a crap… I’ll be dead by the time this screws our race. However, I also can’t stand lies and hypocrisy, fake deceiving popularity contests. It’s a joke. The joke is on us all, woman and men alike.
Richard Tamati says:
Come on guys! Stop taking sides, both you men and women! Acting childish and stupid. First of all it’s not ok to objectify women, period! Men who dies these should be ashamed. Secondly to the author, you know what you did! We can see through your words we arent stupid. Empathy must be shown to men, they brag because they are insecure….they need help. So next time make sure you come right and support both sides, otherwise your article loses all respect immediately. Women suffered in the past yes, that should not be pushed aside. But the world is getting better. If we keep bringing up the past we might as well say all white people on this very thread are _____ and should be persecuted because of things their ancestors did. Exactly! my point. Move on, support both genders and work towards a better life.
DogS3113 says:
You need some evolutionary psychology in your life, yes it’s not right but it’s intrinsic. To deny that is to deny human nature and embrace ignorance. By the same token it’s ignorant for women to dress revealing and then complain of the results. Walk out in leggings with a crop top and try to say it’s for comfort is ridiculous. Women know exactly what they are doing and any trying to deny are either way out of touch with reality or more likely in denial for selfish reasons.
Reality driven says:
Men need help. Wow. I am afraid for the next generation. Women suffered in the past? How so? Being taken care of, adored, sought after, beloved? Oh but wait, you mean like not being able to vote, forced to wear certain clothing (modesty to not attract other males), stoned for cheating (because women in general are not loyal, good deterrent), or the rare and random sicko that raped or kidnaps? How about the woman that gets drunk and regrets sleeping with someone she’s not attracted to, then claims rape? I would say the last point to be more common than not. I don’t hate women I’m happily married, but to blatantly make women out to be straight up victims is a joke.
Turtle says:
I’m satisfied No matter what with my girl, but honestly if you’re not looking, you’re a liar… Okay!! There are so many downright sexy hot ladies that are in such phenomenal shape these days, myself included.. Also my sidekick, which gets her share of men snapping their neck and sometimes, she tells me that it gets old, but it can also boost your confidence as a human being.••• But back to what I said, nowadays these younger girls, workout clothes, it’s ridiculous, my neck is absolutely killing me, ☆hold on, ☆I’ll be right there, she’s calling me, my wife, so have a nice day all you ‘Tigers’🤫😃👀
Ndu says:
I also recognizes the lack of responsibility/ accountability rather to women. Everything was sugar coated, as if women don’t make their own decisions and either society, peer pressure or (my favourite) Men are to blame. Like women are floating through life and things just happen to them. And also that men can’t be down Like women and should be automatically well minded, so well in fact that they should not only take care of themselves but also women. But hey.
RealityDriven says:
This article is a joke and sexist and a lie. I’ll keep it short, lotta long winded crap on here. Women are virtuous men are scandalous. That’s the message here…WRONG. As if there’s a cadre of chicks collaborating on what to wear then the lonely woman can’t resist based on popularity… what a joke. Men have this CONQUEST as a result of sex… haha. Men brag from insecurity and women dress for attraction. NO ONE is going to recognize a woman straight away for her personality. Sorry, the entire earth of mammals doesn’t work that way. Health and fitness to continue the species. It’s that simple.. the rest comes from pair bonding AFTER the fact. Then personality comes in. Get it right and don’t try to continue to degrade men making the next generation into losers that women don’t want anyway. Remember women are beauty objects and men are success objects. This is the ROOT of attraction in humans.
Sam Roberts says:
This article is not a joke. I want you to know that no one is a fool, not even men. We all have our challenges and struggles to face. The thing is that there are men out there who feel uncomfortable when they see women wearing over-revealing clothing. Just because a girl is a girl doesn’t mean she can get away with everything. Men are NOT to blame. We all need to understand the consequences of our actions. To all you girls out there, don’t wear too much revealing clothing because there are guys out there who are uncomfortable with that and we need to respect their feelings for that. Guys have feelings just like girls and do not deny me for saying that.
Qsouq Qsouq says:
Very interesting stuff to read.
Tariq Khan says:
The western view of sexuality is man to woman.
Do you fools realize what you have managed
to do to women?
The west is the most sexist nonsense in the world!
1 says:
Amazing write up! Thanks for this post