Navigating the Intensity: Love vs. Infatuation
Meeting someone who suddenly makes you feel alive and loved is very exciting! You may think no one has ever made you feel like this, and you can’t help but be amazed at the chemistry, or electricity, between you and this new love. Many relationships start this way. But sadly, if you don’t take the time to get to know each other before jumping into something serious, heartbreak can happen in the end.
Often these kinds of relationships built on infatuation can die as quickly as they spring up. Wikipedia defines infatuation as: the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship. It is characterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and or anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another.
The truth is this feeling of urgency and intensity or strong attraction toward another person is not necessarily a reliable indicator of whether you are in love or should immediately dive into a serious dating relationship.
The wisest man in the Bible, King Solomon, said, Guard your affections, for out of them come the issues of life. I see far too many people jumping into relationships and not guarding their affections, only to become confused, disillusioned, and devastated.
We need to keep telling ourselves the basic truths of a healthy and truly loving relationship.
Finding a meaningful relationship takes time. While you spend time getting to know someone as a friend, you can see more clearly whether they are right for you and you for them. There is no more valuable friend to a dating relationship than time. But sadly, many people want to feel that rush of emotion that makes them feel like they are in love. So, they push hard and quickly to feel that overwhelming emotion that says, I am in love. But is it really love?
Rushing into a relationship is always a mistake. Be patient with the process. Impatience is a sign of relational immaturity that will lead to an unimaginable amount of hurt.
The truth is that the best dating relationships develop out of great friendships.
Riah describes how rushing into a relationship has a lot of disadvantages, “First, if you go too far, you could get hurt mentally because of a bad breakup, and physically, you could get an STD or something. Just because a guy says he likes something about you doesn’t mean you need to get into a relationship. Some guys can talk, but that doesn’t mean you must fall head over heels for them. Because then you gave your heart away way too fast,t and you’re open to being hurt very easily. To me, that is like settling for anything and you shouldn’t settle for less than the best. Don’t rush into something that you didn’t even have time to think about.”
When you rush into a romantic relationship, you:
The picture of relationships we see on television or in the movies doesn’t allow us to see the time and commitment it takes to build a solid foundation. After a 22-minute episode or a 90-minute movie, we are left thinking that most romantic relationships happen very quickly, are extremely intense, and will last forever. The fact is that strong relationships develop slowly over time with much hard work and commitment.
Most people I talk to on my show are so anxious to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes just to feel loved. While it is a great thrill to meet someone you connect with or feel attracted to, don’t let your hunger for love throw you into a situation that is going to distract and hurt you.
Amber is honest when she admits her need to always be in a relationship, “I’m quick to open my heart too early because I lack that something. I’m always told that I act immature in relationships, and I tend to push them over the edge. I do not trust men and I feel the need to test them to see if they will hurt me. When a girl is hurt by a male or she lives life with an absent father figure, there is a void in her soul and she searches high and low to fill it. If it even RESEMBLES a small taste of what has been missing, she grabs it, not being logical in her actions but so emotionally consumed that filling that void is all she sees.”
The big three words. They’re exciting. They’re scary. They mean a lot of things on top of their intended message, and their meaning changes depending on when, where, why, and to whom you say them. No pressure.
Ultimately, it’s an extremely personal decision to introduce them into a new relationship. There’s no right or wrong answer to when it’s the right time to say, “I love you.” The only truly wrong move would probably be to lie about your feelings to manipulate someone. So if there’s no right time to say “I love you,” how do you decide when you’re ready?
First, you need to get clear on what “love” means to you. When you’re young and a relationship is new, hormones and emotions are intense. You might be on cloud nine, enjoying every second that you spend with this person, thinking about them all the time, and staying up all hours to talk to them even when you aren’t together. That can certainly feel like love. But is it?
For you, does saying “I love you” imply “I want to marry you,” or is it more like “I want to be your girlfriend, and I expect you to ask me to the prom”? When you think of “love” in its truest form, do you think of something that’s only lasted four weeks? Or do you think about the sweet elderly couple who still hold hands in the park on their daily walks? Is love just a feeling that gives you butterflies, or is love also a decision and a commitment? When the butterflies are gone, does that mean you’ve fallen out of love? Or does that just mean that you and your partner have learned to trust and depend on each other in a healthy, stable way?
Here’s the thing—some couples get married within three weeks of meeting one another, have three kids, and build a lovely family. So, if you have done your due diligence, searched your soul, and determined that “love” is absolutely what you feel—it may be right to tell this person you love them! However… if it’s really love, there’s also no rush.
Even that couple who got married at three weeks would probably tell you the real love kicked in after they got to know each other, worked hard to foster their connection, and continually chose one another day after day. If you and this person share something special, chances are that waiting another day, week, or month to say “I love you” won’t ruin that.
When in doubt, talk to your partner. Tell them what’s been on your mind, and ask them if they have thought about what saying “I love you” means for a relationship. At the one-month mark, you and your partner may or may not be ready to say, “I love you.” Whether you say the words or not, use this time together to build a strong foundation through genuine connections and shared experiences. Have fun, treat each other with love, and the words will come when the time is right.
I have talked to thousands of young adults who keep making the same mistake over and over again. I tell myself if I can just get some of these tragic souls to slow down and get a hold of themselves, I can save them hours of unnecessary drama and needless suffering.
I would also recommend taking the time to pray to God and ask him to guide you as you consider a relationship with someone. This is an important decision that involves your heart. Solomon also said, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 God wants to guide you and protect you so ask Him!
Just remember what Jessica has to say: “Don’t jump in too quick, get to know the guy first. Talk to people who know him and that will help you see the real him. Make sure he has a good relationship with his family. That can tell a lot about a guy, especially the way he treats his mother.”
Are you questioning if what you are feeling is real love? Read – How to Know It’s Really Love.
gz says:
how many successful relationships have u had and for how long ?
Shaun Chevalier says:
I met someone. Crazy butterfly attraction feelings for the first week. The 2nd week we started dating, having sex, and then the I love you came. We both were honest about everything and realized we went too far. But now I feel like the attraction is not there so much as it use to be. We decided to take a breather but is it possible to go back? Start over maybe? I literally never felt this way about someone Ever and I just can’t believe it’s gone for good. We want to do a complete redo and take it much slower. We both have issues and they’re out in the open. Super honest with one another. I’d like for it to work but I’m scared now. Do we need more time apart. No communication? I’ve never been in a serious relationship before so I’m not sure what’s normal and what’s not normal for me.
Amy says:
Yes start over. Just date for a while, enjoy spending time together getting to know each other. I’d hold off on sleeping together for a while to see if you are really compatible or its just a physical attraction. Don’t put pressure on the other person to meet your expectations or you may be dissapointed in the long run. Give each other some space early on. You don’t need to see each other every day, a couple times a week is good. That said, if you think there may be something there don’t let the opportunity pass you bye. No regrets. Good luck!
Oliver says:
yeah man, if youre not over exaggerating about that feeling, do some research online, like you were most likely doing now, and find ways to make it work
ankit rawat says:
Hello,
I am in love with a girl who loves me a lot too but last night we had a fight she said shez afraid that she will fall out of love Nd shez worried about that.she also said that falling into relationship was too quick Nd she expected my proposal as it was so nice to see all that happen Nd she said that she always required more time to think over Nd agreed that it was all quick. But tell u truth I gave her full time period of 5 months Nd to put in note we r college mates
I asked her last night to take time Nd not contact me for a week Nd if she misses me that means its not infatuation
Was I ryt doing this or should I do something else.
Plzz tell I’m dying to see Ur reply Nd I m sure about my side Nd I love her a lot
Plzz help
Scott says:
I felt something great with this message! For that I thank you!!
Koko says:
What if you’ve been in a serious relationship with someone for almost 3 years and suddenly they breakup with you, even though they’ve been hugging and kissing you the night before. Telling you not to leave them (few months back). And now they say that they don’t love you…they’re not happy. Even though they gave you a promise ring just 2 months back. This is not right.
Ashton says:
I’m 16 and I know at this age I shouldn’t be so focused on a relationship but I’ve know this guy for awhile now and I’m just stuck on the fence about what I should do. I understand I need to be patient. We’ve both discussed that we don’t want to rush into a relationship and ruin the friendship we already have. We’ve been friends for a few years but back around Christmas time we both admitted our feelings for each other and we both admitted that we like each other. Around the same time he also asked me to prom. Well prom was a week ago and I had a great time. He was a gentleman and I couldn’t have asked for a better night. I’m just not sure if were going to just be friends forever or eventually turn it into more than friends? Me and this boy both have the same Christian veiws. He comes from a wonderful Christian family I do as well so religious views match up which is a deal breaker for me. He overall has all the qualities I would want a potential boyfriend to have. But my problem is if I wait around paitiently to see if a relationship happens or move on? What if hes not even interested in me any more? I’m scared if I wait around I am going to be disappointed but I’m also scared if I move on that I missed a perfect opportunity with him. I’m just so confused and I need advice. I don’t want to ruin our friendship because I’d rather have that then nothing at all with him.
Lance Conley says:
Make sure he stays a gentleman is all I would say (former youth pastor). Keep your Christian values what they are and it should all be okay. 🙂
Experience says:
I suggest you could open up to him and let him know how your feeling if you are considering a relationship with him honesty is a good key trait. If it is meant to work out it will, it is good that you guys have taken the time to build a good foundation at this point all you can do is ask.
Jojo says:
Treat each other with the some respect and deference you would a brother , look out for his best interest in that regard, and focus on living a life that pleases God and trust Him to guide you in any decisions beyond that. You are a bit young for this to be a heavy focus but I know the feels can be blinding and overpowering. Just keep your focus centered and recruit some friends and mentors in the church as accountability partners to help you keep focus and not do something you would regret. You have many more years to go, don’t be so wrapped up in the idea of a boyfriend that you miss all the fun times, lack of responsibility, and pressure. The older you get, that footloose fancy free living gets harder and harder to maintain. (Unless of course you become a carnie, gypsy, or beach bum).
Nicole says:
Hi would anyone be able to give me some advice please. I have know my bf for about 1month and we have been in a relationship for a three weeks. We have rushed in both emotionally and physically. I have been in numerous long term relationship before, but never felt the way I do about my bf. He told me loves me but is not in love with me, I have told him I am in love with him because that is exactly how I feel. The only problem is we have completely rushed into our relationship and now I’m thinking of the future but he is not ready to talk about that yet which I fully understand and appreciate. However how do I slow down our relationship as it’s getting a bit much for him. I’m so confused as my feelings I have for him are so strong and pure and I really don’t want to ruin our relationship. We see each other nearly everyday so I know that should be reduced but when I’m not with him my head and emotions are everywhere. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.
Jojo says:
It’s hard to move backwards…this may be the beginning of the end. You’ve gotta put more into building a good relationship than just going with the rush of emotions and hormones. A slow build also helps with figuring out if you two are even on the same page beyond sex and having the same feelings in the beginning.
Martina Danielova says:
after reading all those stories..this just confirms my theory, that love is not that magic we all expect. it sounds like it goes beyond feeling and mind. It sounds like love is a decision to stay no matter what. Responsibility. And no matter when we fall in love, we do so because we trust in character. Love is faith.
Aaron L Davis says:
Live and learn
Karen says:
I have been dating a guy for 4 months. I have kids, he has kids. They have all met. My kids are not crazy about him. I don’t think they are ready to have another father figure in the picture. We looked at rings this weekend and talking about our future! He is slowly moving his things into my house. We spend almost everyday together. When I get home from work, he is at my house. I am getting very annoyed with this.I just finished my divorce in March of this year. I jumped right into dating. I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I feel like I am losing my independence. How do I tell him I want to slow things down? I want to have my own place, and he have his own place, yeah know…not sleep in the same house almost every night! I was married for over 10 years. I kinda don’t want to continue with this relationship as serious as we are now. I do love him, but its just too fast!
Thanks all!
The Nelson Puppet says:
This advice doesn’t fit my relationship style. I am very much a love at first sight person. If things don’t happen, and happen fast, with a woman I am interested in, then I move on until I find a woman I am interested in who is willing to move at my speed. And by fast, I mean if we are not in a relationship within a week I dip.
Jojo says:
you’re chasing the rush, the lust, and the hormone sync. You can’t build a solid foundation for a relationship within a week. You may need to do some evaluating and talk to people with successful, long time marriages about realistic expectations and making sure something is there when the adrenaline wears off.
Scott says:
I think I really need to take this on board. I’ve hurt people because I’ve not thought about it. Any advice you can give on following this advice (which I appreciate is madness) would be really well received. Thank you for the great article.
mike42 says:
i met this girl at university.. we started hanging out as friends and after 3 month of both hiding our emotions not to destroy out friendship (even though we had a great time every second) we told each other and got together…3 months into it now we have sex eveyday and sleep together 5 times a week and the i love you came…and masks dropped and we talk about every single thing that comes into our head.. is that normal tho? i feel like its going too fast
Sir Farty Fartsalot says:
In my experience, they never last & you end up hating each other.
Andrew Garcia says:
I’m 23 years old and I never had a girlfriend. I’m always too shy around girls but I still don’t mind talking to them. Another problem I have is that I see many girls nowadays don’t want to be bothered and that’s the actual reason why I have trouble getting with women. Truth is, I’m not sure if I really want a girlfriend; I get this depressing feeling of loneliness and feel like I want one but I don’t believe that I’m ready for a relationship. I just have a problem getting social with the opposite sex because of my lackluster experience with women and I feel like a creeper that does nothing but bother their spaces. I feel like I want to be loved and have something meaningful with a special someone but I feel empty and I cope this loneliness with masturbation and pornography which later on strikes this irritating feeling of slapping myself and not wanting to be touched. Lastly, whenever I see other men in relationships, it gives me this comparison issue of feeling like they’re better than me all because they have a girlfriend, nice car, better job and many other values that I feel like I can’t seem to obtain.
TheHopeLine® says:
I am sorry you are experiencing this struggle right now of feeling depressed and lonely. I really appreciate your honesty. The pornography can lead to even more isolation and loneliness. This week we have a new blog about it. I really think you should check it out. Also, we are here for you and want to help you find hope. You can chat with us anytime 24/7 – here’s the link to log in for chat https://www.thehopeline.com/GetHelp/ I hope you will chat with us online.
And here’s the new blog that posted this week – https://www.thehopeline.com/the-gateway-drug-to-sexual-violence/
Ryan Mirch says:
Dude, it is so obvious what your problem is. You are going after the wrong girls. You need to go after girls in your league. If you dont know what your league is, here’s the test: If the girl smiles and blushes when you talk to her, then she is in your league. What is equally important is that you have at least one thing that is obviously in common with her. Other things will come, but you need something to talk about with her when you first meet her.
TLDR: find a girl that is in your league, and that you have something in comon with to talk about.
Jonathan says:
I think you should have friends, not a girlfriend. Personally, for me, I can live without a girlfriend, but I cannot live with hurting the people I care about. Make friends, make family, and if there is a girl that you end uo dating, thats good, but not necessary for you to not feel lonely.
beverly says:
When a guy says I see us dateing don’t know when but I see us dateing let’s see how it goes and be friends for awhile and not rush inta relationship and take it slow and I value our friendship that we have right now. What does he mean
Michelle Johnson says:
It means don’t sleep with him because he doesn’t wanna anything serious but a quickie here & there. If he just wants to be friends don’t sleep with him.then because it will complicate it.
biju says:
I met a man for last four months. We are in deep feeling (not including sexually as both of us don’t believe before). He doesn’t have a good family life basically he hates his mom as she was not caring and loving to him since his childhood. He is short tempered but loves me.
Michelle Johnson says:
If a man doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother don’t expect him to respect you either.
Jojo says:
That’s not entirely valid … you don’t know what type of mother he had, what their upbringing was like, or what he thinks of her. Also we don’t want Oedipus love so I hope a man doesn’t look at me the way he does his mother … ever .. eww. I digress, if she was a coke whore that abandoned him, paraded men in and out of their lives, unstable, etc, then yea he’s got some legit reasons for having a rough relationship with her and it doesn’t mean he won’t respect you (unless you’re an unstable coke whore too). Not to mention even if she was relatively normal but manipulative as hell, that’s not necessarily a respectable trait and if you don’t have it, he could easily dislike that in his mother to the point of keeping her at a distance but have a healthy love and respect for an s.o. that doesn’t manipulate. We really have to think deeper about the cliches and sayings that we carry around like truths but have never evaluated or analyzed practically.
Guest says:
I was married to someone like this unfortunately. Walk away.
TheHopeLine® says:
You are so right!!! We just posted a blog about “Finding the Right Guy” – https://www.thehopeline.com/finding-the-right-guy/ There is a really helpful checklist of things to ask yourself. Respect is definitely an important part of a good relationship.
King Troll says:
what if you grew up without a mom for 17 years.
Jojo says:
yea that scripture is about guarding your thoughts and your mind….let’s not twist scriptures here k?
...... says:
Hello I have a online relationship that I feel I was rushed into im not sure if I even love them but I do still get jelous. I havent had a boyfriend for a while and it was kind of the same case where it was one of my best friends im not sure if im to afaird to fall inlove anymore or what. We had to of known each other for awhile but lost touch abd but then started talking then the next day he confessed these feelings towards me a part of me kind of liked him to so I said I liked him back. Then like 1 hour or somthing later we started dating its almost been 3 weeks now. Please help me with my situation
Bingo says:
My story is pretty crazy… me and a guy I’ve talk to from jr high ended up getting together shortly after I was in a relationship for 4 years; it wasn’t planned but because of issues I had with my family at my house end up slowly staying with him and we spent a lot of time together and I moved in.. well I have a child with my ex and he also had a child with his ex. About 3 months later OUR exs are together and ” dating ” & I married my husband and our exs also married each other. Me and my husband now have a baby and of course our exs also decided to have a baby.. i didn’t think I had any feelings for my ex but my husband seemed to think I do deep down and it interferes with our relationship. I feel like I don’t know how to love like I use to.. my ex was my 1st and yes I was in love with him but we had so many problems and it didn’t work out and was best to separate. I wish I didn’t get married and stayed single and focus strictly on my child but now I have a baby with my husband and i feel sad because he doesn’t feel loved. He feels I just list him 🙁
My life feels pretty messed up and I’m as positive as I can be most days but it saddens me because it’s something I can’t fix 🙁
Jenna says:
I rushed into a relationship after only two weeks of infatuation- not only did I find out he lied about the mother of his child being in the picture, but that they were in a 7 year relationship where I found “I love you” text messages. He told me it wasn’t like that and the intimacy and infatuation took over my brain and I believed him. 4 months down the road, after realizing I didn’t even like his personality anymore, but I was so infatuated with him and our sex and comfort, he began to become abusive. He physically abused me two times in the 6th month of our relationship- I just couldn’t understand why I kept taking him back. I guess all those days and nights I spent in his arms really took a toll on my judgement of Love. Finally, I did what I could to leave him, but even by the time I had left left, I found out he was seeing another girl near the end of our relationship. That alone was enough to make me stay. I got upset and didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks because I knew deep down he’s not for me and he is abusive! I learned from the mother of his child that he has been abusive to her, to his mother, and to other women before me. If I hadn’t rushed, I wouldn’t have ended up here. Right now, at this very moment. Feeling lost and hurt and in pain- and MISSING HIM. Did I mention that after 3 weeks of no contact, I finally saw him and we had sex and then he hit me because we got into a fight??? I put him in jail. He’s not in jail and let me tell you what I’m feeling. At first I was happy, then I felt revengeful for the other girl not having him too. Now I just feel sad and like I miss him.
I’m on dating sites. My question is, do you think me jumping back into online dating only a week after this trauma, is bad idea? Or should I heal the sad, lonely, way?
Sincerely,
Ms. I rush way too fast.
Someone Who Cares says:
It’s really not a good idea to jump back into dating right away, online or otherwise. That’s basically just getting into a rebound relationship, which in most cases do not last and can wind up with more hurt. That being said, you don’t need to heal “the sad, lonely way”. Keep yourself busy by hanging out with friends or taking up a hobby. You might not like this next piece of advice (and I understand why) but look into seeing a counselor. They can help you process what you’re feeling and help you move on. I went through pretty much the same thing you did minus the physical abuse (he was very verbally and emotionally abusive which can be much worse). So do yourself a favor such that when you start missing him, remind yourself of how bad he really was to you and that you deserve better. And finally, keep this in mind: In order to make someone else happy, you must first be able to make YOURSELF happy.
Sincerely,
Someone who cares
Marina says:
I need advice. Please someone give me your opinion.
So I met this guy a year back but because something had happened to him, we suddenly stopped talking to me and he lost my info and I assumed he wasn’t interested in me….
A year goes by and he finds me again we get to reconnect and talk casually. After we share our interest in each other we just flirt and get to know each other…
A month passes And we become official after confessing our love. Everything seemed like it was going smoothly.. We even got to see each other after Thanksgiving, we live two hours away. However…soon within the month being together I found myself struggling, I kept ALWAYS begging him to say me passionate word’s, loving word., Basically be a hopeless romantic…i yearned for that passion.. he felt it was too soon for him to act that way…or say things like that, he promised if I wait it will come naturally..and I tried so bad to hold back and wait… But it was so difficult I struggled to even go a day without him saying I love you…i practically tried forcing him to say compliment even though he refuses to, it’s not in him to say things that come from his own feelings… And I respect that… But it just started getting bad to the point I would suffer and cry over it. Maybe it’s insecurity…and want reassurance.
I do want to point out he is a genuine caring, humble, friendly sweet guy. He’s a laid back type of guy. At first I felt maybe he doesn’t understand because I’m an emotional type of person and he isn’t as much..as well as me being the first girl to be with that seeks out so much attention and an emotional person. I remember desperately trying to find out why do I feel this way… Than I learned it was because I was rushing…and I wanted him so badly to shower me with his love…to feel needed, wanted, and loved…i was so afraid I would scare him away from me being so clingy.. But he still stayed and still loves me.. he leaves it up to me whether to not talk for awhile than coming back adjusting myself or just continue and hold back some of those feelings..
Both options have their edges. But I wonder if I can handle not talking to him for a little bit..i want to do it so I can come feeling refreshed. And more confident…. But I guess I’m a little scared to do this approach..
Thank you for your time. Please enjoy the rest of your day..
Marina says:
I need advice. Please someone give me your opinion.
So I met this guy a year back but because something had happened to him, we suddenly stopped talking to me and he lost my info and I assumed he wasn’t interested in me….
A year goes by and he finds me again we get to reconnect and talk casually. After we share our interest in each other we just flirt and get to know each other…
A month passes And we become official after confessing our love. Everything seemed like it was going smoothly.. We even got to see each other after Thanksgiving, we live two hours away. However…soon within the month being together I found myself struggling, I kept ALWAYS begging him to say me passionate word’s, loving word., Basically be a hopeless romantic…i yearned for that passion.. he felt it was too soon for him to act that way…or say things like that, he promised if I wait it will come naturally..and I tried so bad to hold back and wait… But it was so difficult I struggled to even go a day without him saying I love you…i practically tried forcing him to say compliment even though he refuses to, it’s not in him to say things that come from his own feelings… And I respect that… But it just started getting bad to the point I would suffer and cry over it. Maybe it’s insecurity…and want reassurance.
I do want to point out he is a genuine caring, humble, friendly sweet guy. He’s a laid back type of guy. At first I felt maybe he doesn’t understand because I’m an emotional type of person and he isn’t as much..as well as me being the first girl to be with that seeks out so much attention and an emotional person. I remember desperately trying to find out why do I feel this way… Than I learned it was because I was rushing…and I wanted him so badly to shower me with his love…to feel needed, wanted, and loved…i was so afraid I would scare him away from me being so clingy.. But he still stayed and still loves me.. he leaves it up to me whether to not talk for awhile than coming back adjusting myself or just continue and hold back some of those feelings..
Both options have their edges. But I wonder if I can handle not talking to him
Anais says:
I believe you may be correct; you are insecure and need his reassurance. The problem with this is the insecurity will escalate and whatever he says it won’t fix it. Please take time to learn more about yourself and what’s causing your insecurity and heal it so you can enjoy a healthy interdependent relationship with your man. He sounds like a good catch since he is understanding and gives the distance needed not to ruin the relationship.
I would recommend you consider reading different books about co-dependence (codependent no more by Melodie Beattie) because of your need to be needed by him. Once you resolve your personal issues then you may want to read John Gottman’s The Five Love Languages to see which love language your boyfriend falls into. I highly advise you look into yourself and what’s causing your insecurity prior to pointing the finger at your boyfriend. Your insecurity will ruin any relationship you get into and frankly it sounds like you have a good man by your side.
David Micah Shumate says:
No twisting of scripture here at all. This particular scripture can very well pertain to relationships. Sound advice for sure.
David Micah Shumate says:
It means he wants there to be boundaries between you so that you guys won’t end up hurting each other by rushing into anything. It means he wants to build on your guys’ intimacy, closeness, and commitment without the passion/sexual part of it. This is honestly the best way to see whether or not you guys are REALLY compatible. As the two of you get closer, you will get to know more about them, AND whether or not you REALLY can see yourself being with that person the rest of your life.
Confusedheart says:
I was together with my bf for three years. Right before moving in to our new home together he pre-proposed and after two weeks in the new flat he walked away saying he loves me and always will, but he doesn’t feel the in love in the same way as he used to and his feelings are always up and down.. we didn’t see each other for three months and when we did we slept together, later on I have found out he basically started seeing this girl he met right before we broke up, and she fell for him, then he went to work overseas and met another girl there and just stopped talking to this other girl whom had fallen for him… meanwhile he had been trying to keep distance from me but sometimes tried to have a conversation then suddenly ignored me. Two months of him knowing this new girl overseas that he worked with he deletes me on fb out of the blue and starts posting all over social media how much he loves her… same goes for the girl, and he makes sure to tell my friends bf that he is in a new relationship/ as well as tagged her below my comment on my friends video right before he deleted me on fb. He has never been the guy that posts loads of soppy things on social media, and that was a bit of an issue for me that he was aware of. However now he is being the compete opposite. To the point where even my guy mates have asked what is going on with him.. he recently sent me a long message about how sorry he was for evening and that I deserve closure but when I said we could at least meet up after three years and that I thought we were best friends and we could talk about everything he said we were past the point of closure and it would be inappropriate as he was In a relationship… you can imagine how that felt. He said so many times after the break that he will always love me and it would take him years to get over me, and now he is acting like he doesn’t care and never cared about me at all. Anyone have any opinions about this? Would help me a lot ,, especially speaking of the rushing in to a relationship/ being in love and loving someone…
Susan says:
This guy is extremely immature if not dishonest .How old is he and how old are you?
The statement ‘I’ll always love you’ is basically telling you ‘ I’ll always love you for the person that you are but that I’m not in love with you’. He clearly couldn’t commit to you at the time and then ruined 2 other girls hearts after.
Any one male or female splashing soppy love crap all over Facebook ; it’s never what they say it is. Always remember ; the happiest couples are the ones that are the quietest and most dignified. There’s a big ego at work here.
I am sorry to hear how hurt you are ; the same thing happened to me 17 years ago when I was 28 and he was 41. It was devastating.He told me he wanted a future with me, had never felt this way , then he was doing all he could to get out of the relationship within weeks which completely confused me and wrecked my head.It ended so nasty . The worst I was ever subjected to. Yet I put so much belief into his words. He kept telling me he loved me.
He also hooked up
With another women straight after me; when that first one broke off with him after 6 months , he then met another one 4 weeks later and moved in with her within 4 weeks.!!!
Both those women who were much older than me and him, both eventually kicked him out as they saw him
For the selfish manipulative creep he was. He screwed one of the women
After 12 years for €39,000 after living in her luxury house and had use of her car and good lifestyle. He was naturally charming and used it as part of his way to charm the women but would also turn moody and nasty when it suited him. . I only knew him 2 weeks when he told me with tears in his eyes that he’d never felt this way before and that he’d move in with me the next day !!!! He also ‘promised’he wouldn’t let me down , which he did within weeks. I had concerns about his rush rush attitude , it wasn’t normal. He was just an incredibly selfish guy. It’s that simple.
Your guy you describe is of the same breed. My advice is to cut the contact and screw his excuses; he’s predominantly weak and these cowards wil
Always hurt the most. Block him on Facebook and break the attachment.
Make the decision to extricate him from your life now and make a fresh start.
A better man is waiting out there to meet you.
Cut your contact and don’t allow him to manipulate you any further. All the best xx
Stay strong and if you meet him it will only make it harder for you to move on.
Confusedheart says:
Susan! Thank you SO much for replying! I didn’t see this until now, as I haven’t been on this page for a while (Working on myself, and distansing myself from him)
We got together when we were 21, he is no 25 and I’m 24, soon turning 25..
(Techincally 1 year/6 months diffrence between us)
I deinetly agree with you with the splashing on social media.. However, I can’t help but to look at them and they look SO happy!
I must tell you. A month after he sent me this message they got ENGANGED!! And ofc. SPLASHED it over facebook! 4 post’s in one day and he went on an on about how compatable they are.. And well.. Those three things he said was so “to good to be true, so perfect etc” was food addiction, love for music and love for the enviroment. They had known each other 6 months when they got enganged! He also proceeded to name her my nick name that he used for 3 years, in the post announcing their engangment… I’m just really at a cross-roads. i don’t know if its real, of if its just him.. Doing all the things you are saying, and not wanting to be alone.. And needing an ego boost. It feels in many ways that he has replaced me, and is trying to copy our relationship.As they have started a music duo etc.. Which was what we had. However, I didnt want to sacrifize my career by doing contracts and going over-seas.. As i needed to stay put in my city for contacts. And now, it seems he has someone that want’s to do exactly that. Travel around playing other peoples music. Nothing wrong with that, but I do feel it very similar! However.. Musicians tend to attract each other..
I guess what i’m mostly hurt about is that he has made our 3 years out to be nothing more than meaningless, and the way he has acted. With saying that it would be inaproritate to meet, when he was the one reaching out, deleting me on facebook etc.. Cutting me out like that, aparantly doesn’t mention me at all to friends or family. Even though he has made i clear i never did anything wrong. It just seems like he has been able to push a delete-button on everything we had, and now im sitting here wondering if the three years, the planning of a future, the kids-names we had decided on, if that literally didn’t mean anything?
By the way! What a CRAZY story! Definetly sounds like a bag egg that one.. And I know that there is a chance mine one is as well. I have just always more looked at him at a lost, poor soul who is super confused and basically hates himself. Now i really dont know what is real anymore..
I am really moving on.. And it doenst hurt as much as it used to. However, i do find myself missing him and wanting to talk to him. And wrapping my head around what is going on between him and this girl.. And if the engangment is real or not..
I haven’t heard from him since they got enganged. However they have been over-seas working ever since they got enganged and spent every day together for the past 3,5 months or so.. So I wouldn’t except him to..
At this point i want to meet him to 1. Get the truth ( but he isn’t in a place where he can give me that i think)
2. Just see him
3. Find out if what I’m left feeling now is just a shadow of my feelings and my hurt, and the image of him and me rather than acutally wanting to be with him again.. I go back and forth thinking i love him to.. I deserve better, and.. Maybe I’m over him…
Ps. His friends have also told me that he is polar oposite with her than with me, clingy and lost all his independence. With me he sailed his own ship, and obv asked for my opinions but definetly was his own person. Some people have described it like he is a baby around her..
Lorna says:
Sounds like he has issues inside himself and is dealing with them immaturely; the best that you can do for yourself is to not take it personally. You did all you could do, and there was nothing that you could have done to prevent him taking this turn – it’s clearly a path he needs to go down and there are lessons he needs to learn from it …lessons that he is liable to take a long time to come to understand… and you are best to leave him to it and avoid getting involved.
1) You want the truth: you won’t get it, the truth is that he is not the same person that you loved/trusted/respected. Learn to identify him as a new person in the same body and grieve the person that is gone (the person you loved). (This happened to me too, I know it hurts; seeing it this way does help though. Otherwise you keep thinking that the person you loved is still here and can be reached — sadly, he cannot. I’d say, wait for years to pass and ideally wait for him to come to you with the apology you deserve. Right now he is an immature mess.)
2) This won’t help. Ice him out – you will not be cruel for doing so, you’ve already thrown him enough kindness and understanding. Just cut him out and go fully no contact. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself, and hopefully it will teach him the lessons he deserves to learn (this treatment he has given you is NOT acceptable). Go and date people who are kind and who demonstrate a selfless nature. Make kindness and a sense of responsibility your number one priority when choosing your next partner! It will be so rewarding and you will find clarity in your soul. You deserve this.
3) You do deserve better – I know that this statement doesn’t make sense (i.e. What is it to deserve something? What makes one person better/more deserving than another? Does this mean he doesn’t deserve love? None of it makes sense). However, it is not about him as a person, it is about his current state of behaviour — you deserve better behaviour and can’t waste time waiting for him to change. He is no longer an option for you. You will be better off moving on and building a new life with someone who is not likely to do this to you. We are all capable of falling to great lows and disappointing the people who believe in us, but some are stronger than others…some live their lives in a more principled way and these principles see them through these dark times… Sounds like you are more principled than he is (kinder, more understanding, more consistent and reasonable), so go and find someone else who is reliably principled as well.
You can/will learn to cherish the time you had with him as real and true for what it was/when it was, but as you start to build new memories with new people and see how much you are able to love again… you won’t look back with anything but acceptance and understanding.
The best way that you can ensure your chances of moving on is to go full no contact, block all sources of information about him, tell your friends you don’t want to hear anything more about him, and just start dating/exploring new relationships. Naturally, don’t jump into anything, but allow yourself the opportunity to make friends where there could be something more… slowly build up trust and look for reliable qualities in them, so that you can avoid this happening to you again. Maturity, kindness, reliability, selflessness, principled nature, wisdom, shared values, mutual respect… all pillars of a sound person — as sound as a person can get anyway…
I know it’s hard and sad, but one day it will just be sad… and even in a way a good sad…because you will learn to separate the good from the bad and just focus on happy memories and good times to come.
Wishing you luck and happiness. Stay strong!
Whats up says:
Yea me to this girl that i have almost known but haven’t talk to until 2018 first she said that we can hangout and than i said how about dinner and a movie and everything was going well but i wasn’t thinking i just went with my excitement and how i really felt about her just came out at the wrong time and than tried tell her the truth idk just couldn’t seem to get it out because you know your mind is everywhere trying to come up with a Solution to the problem but i just kept digging myself a deeper hole even though unconsciously i wasn’t trying to do that. > If someone could help me on what to do that would be a big help Thanks
janine says:
What if its too late? I jumped in too fast and now I want to back off
Chris says:
Title: Did I jump in too soon?
There was this guy I had a small crush on back in highschool (senior year) it wasn’t anything too serious because at the time I was dating somebody else.
Well me and that person (my ex now) ended up breaking up after 2 years and it was a pretty bad break up that caused me to have meltdowns often afterwards and to become slightly frightened of relationships or men in general
I started college and ended up running back into the guy from senior year and we talked for a small bit, flirted a little and everything and now we have decided to go out and date yknow? Like actual bf and gf.
However I’m worried that I jumped in too fast. It has been a year since my ex but I can’t help but feel guilty with my new boyfriend. Like I’m just leading him on ot what not. I mean, he is sweet and kind and really understanding of my poor mental health but I’m still worried.
What if I just jumped into this relationship because I was sick of people telling me to hurry up and move on? Or because I was lonely and wanted somebody to care about me again?
I’m also worried because he is a really good friend of mine and if we end up breaking up I’ll lose him forever because he isn’t the type to stay friends with his ex after breakups no matter what.
Please help…
OOTT says:
Hi all, I met a guy on dating app POF, he is 20 and I am 22. He is Irish and I am Malaysia Chinese. The first week we talk alot and after one week, we hangout to cinema, he paid for everything he didnt want me to pay. And we had a good time. After I get home he still texting me saying he was enjoying the movie and spending time with me. After that I fall deeper with this guy, I snap him everyday and I think is because I am too rush, sending him snap all the time and ask him out again but he rejected, he start replying my snap very late, even like 1 day just send 2 – 3 snaps. I was very upset, this kind of situation continuing for a while (he just replied 1 or 2 snaps per day) and after 4 weeks, he sent a snap saying he feel horrible and I sent him a funny snap and cheer him up. Start from that snap, he started text me back, text me very single moment he can, he even ask me out during the weekend. And yes we did have a second date, the date was amazing, we laugh so much together, we talk alot than first date, I really can feel that that moment we like each other, I was so surprise he ask me: What is your purpose on POF? I answer him I am not on this for fun, I meant sex. He said: No, I am not that kind of person I dont want sex. But what you looking for? friend or relationship? I said: Both, maybe. What about you? He said: same, I am looking for a relationship but I dont rush, we need to each other better… What this guy means if he ask a girl something like this? He even offer to walk me home like he never offer me on first date. After home, he texted me again, even said Goodnight My Queen to me. After few days we still text often, but after that he start replying slow again, I really dont know what he is thinking. I saw him on other social media liking pictures and follow girls on Instagram, but he did’t reply me. Could someone safe me? Am I too rush and scare him off? or What he said to me is not really serious like he just wanna keep me if he needs me? Or should I just wait?
Michelle says:
I think you should probably not take this “relationship” with him too seriously yet, especially considering his aloofness. If a man is into you, he will make it obvious to you and not play guessing games with you. I know it’s very easy to get caught up in the excitement when they do something nice or treat you better than other times, but please remember to respect yourself and your expectations from the person you are potentially dating. Seeing as how he’s active on social media following other girls, but not actively maintaining a conversation with you and keeping you in the loop about his feelings and intentions, I would move forward with caution. If you feel like you are texting him too much or coming on too strong, try winding it back a bit and focus on yourself and your hobbies or friends/family. I hope this helps.
OOTT says:
Hi Michelle, thanks for your reply and comments. after above situation, we start texting back each other again, this time we were texting alot, be more open, I told him alot how I feel and who I really am, he said he likes the way i am, when i was overthinking most of time as we haven’t meet more than a month but he still there for me saying he can put up my overthinking and said he loves about my kindness, I am beautiful, cute, innocent, etc. We keep on texting around 2 months and finally, we had our 3rd date yesterday, it was amazing, i cooked for him, we watch movie together, I was laying on his shoulder and he lays back his head on my head, and in the mid way of movie, he asked me am I okay and he kissed me a sudden, when he stop he look at me and I smile at him, he kissed my forehead, and we cuddles abit before we leave, he hug me very tight said he does’t want to go he wish to stay with me. And after we come out from my house, he show me his hand and he wants to hold my hand (we did Interlocked Fingers Firm Grip Hand Holding) while walking towards the station, all along the way, in the public. He even asked to take a selfie with him under the Christmas tree as well. Once the train comes, he hug me so so tightly and hold my face with his both hands and closed-lip kiss me for goodbye in the public, even we are not couple officially. After home, he do text me back but not really quick, but he said he loves the kiss and hope he didn’t over step it, and said he surprised himself as well when he kissed me and said “I missed you I miss you now”. I was so happy and wish all these are a good things I am afraid of thinking whether these will be just a dream after all. Do you think there is likely he likes me and wants to take thing serious with me?
OOTT says:
I am here to ask again is because, my friends especially my colleagues they are eldest than me, saying I should not trust this guy and get back to this guy again, maybe all things he did is just want to have sex with me, but I wish my trust to him is worth, as there is one time, he got very upset saying I did not trust him and thought he just want sex even he told me before he is not. I apologized to him and he let it go eventually. He asked me before am I still doubt him, I said no. He said no one make him coke up like that before its not just my body. I don’t know what should I do as now all things seems perfect and should I give a chance between us and see how the flows go? or this is the real world that I should not trust what he said?
Kati says:
I would be cautious of how he behaves and still keep strong boundary lines. Because he got very upset at your concerns, it shows some sort of insecurity on his end. A person with good intentions who wishes to start a healthy relationship with you would have taken the time to communicate and talk to you instead of getting angry. Good communication is so important in a sustainable relationship. What you decide to do has to be your choice, but I would not try to jump into physical things too quickly and would take more time to gauge where he stands. If he tries to pressure you into anything you do not want to do and is not understanding about it, be cautious of that. As soon as one person starts pressuring another in this situation, it can lead to a toxic relationship. I was in a relationship once when the guy would talk to me infrequently, never talk seriously about the status of our relationship, and only went out with me at random times. He claimed he was “bad at planning.” This is false because if someone genuinely liked you, they would be able to make plans and follow through with them. He communicated with me just enough to keep me thinking that it was going somewhere, but never did anything to show a progression in the relationship. Turns out, he was seeing about 3 other girls at the same time, and had casual physical relationships with them. I was just another girl to him.
Final advice is to be cautious and set your limits. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably is not. Intuition is something that is powerful and you should trust your close circle of friends and family who know you better. I ignored my friends when I was seeing this one guy. You should feel happy and excited in talking to this guy, not anxious or fearful in how he might react to your legitimate concerns.
Alex says:
Hi, I’d love your perspective on my situation.
I am a divorced male in my early 40’s, after 14 years with my ex, I have been single for just over 5 years. I have had dated a fair amount, and have had 2 relationships (7 months & 11 months). In early November I was at a business event and met a girl in person that I had a professional relationship with (I am actually her business coach, so we had been speaking on a regular basis). Upon meeting her there was immediate electricity. I maintained blurry professional lines for the few day of the event, and there was only verbal flirtation.
By the way, we live a few states apart. We also both have kids, which restrict us to our current cities.
After the event we began texting and talking on the phone for 2+ hours daily. We both admitted feelings, and were excited about the future. When I stated we have to figure out schedules and plan to see each other she replied, “I know we just met, but would you like to spend Christmas together?”. I am both impulsive and a take charge personality, so I immediately booked her a flight to visit for 8 days over Christmas. For days, we were doing a daily countdown, and her friend even reached out to me and told me how excited she is, and that we are “perfect” for each other.
Last week, she was surprised with a gift to attend an event with a guest. She sent me a text and asked if I wanted to join her, only 3 days away. Being the impulsive guy, I booked a ticket with excitement to see her.
I arrived at the airport to find her waiting in the airport for me. She had a couple things to do before we went back to her house. That evening we were enjoying each other’s company, and it escalated to sex. The next day she had three events lined up, one was a special occasion for a friend, the second was the event which was the premise for the invite, and the final was a birthday party for her best friend.
She introduced me to all of her friends, and they clearly already knew who I was.
That night when we returned to her house and got into bed, she stated that she had to tell me something. She proceeded with, “I am not over my last boyfriend, and it’s unfair to you”. I am normally a talker, but decided I’d let it go, and just see how things go the following day. The next day was tense. I finally brought up that she seemed uncomfortable, and she said “I’m just not ready for a relationship”. I responded, that we are just getting to know each other, and with the distance it won’t be rushed anyway. We did not elaborate much further.
She drove me to the airport, and got out of the car, she embraced me very affectionately, and gave me a kiss goodbye (not romantic, but definitely not how you would kiss a friend). This week we have not been texting or talking at all, except that we did have a scheduled coaching call. I compartmentalized and maintained a very professional line on that call, though naturally there were things we laughed at, and it felt great.
She never mentioned canceling her trip for Christmas, but I assume her visiting me in a week would be pretty far-fetched based on the lack of communication. I don’t want to assume though, and I would need to cancel the ticket.
So my questions are:
How do I proceed? Specifically, with the question of upcoming travel or cancel
Did she just get scared that things seemed to move so quickly?
Is there a true opportunity to pursue a relationship here, even if it’s slower, or postponed for her to find her comfort?
The reason, I don’t want to just walk away is…. At 44 years old, there have only been a few girls that I have “connected” with, admired, and truly felt that there is something worth pursuing. I am not a guy that will “settle”, and with the rareness of finding someone that there seems to be a high level of mutual chemistry with, it’s difficult to just let go. I will if I have to though.
Mark says:
In the same boat, did you make progress? How did it work out for you?
zane says:
i dont know you or this woman, but to me it seems that she may have been unsatisfied with the sex. She may have been scared that it was moving too quickly and if that is the case I commend her for being honest before it got too deep. im just confused on why the ex boyfriend was not brought up during your many phone conversations. i also think its weird that she was digging you so much that she not only told all her friends about you but invited you 2 her “social events” before her scheduled trip 2 c u.. Then she wants 2 slow it down soooo much that she cancelled the trip y’all had initially booked? she may not be the one because now it seems like she’s playing games. if she really is confused you dont need her anyway because she is not mentally ready.
Kimberley Morrison says:
Hi my boyfriend and I are taking a two month break he asked me this weekend to do it and I agree with him because we never got to know each other first before we started in a relationship. We met in a pub and I only had known him for a week or so before he asked me out. We are still in love with each other cos he told me he still loves and cares for me? Can you tell me if this will make our relationship stronger? Because I don’t want us to break up! And he keeps telling me this is just a break not a break up.